[A commercial for "Booker T's new aerobics video, 'Spinerooni-ooni'" goes off the air and the screen goes black. It is replaced by a warning screen.]

"The following program contains scenes of violence, coarse language, sexual scenes, offensive images, racial stereotypes, drug use, anarchistic behavior, at least one thinly veiled reference to homosexuality (see if you can spot it!), and large unruly men in tight spandex. Viewer discretion is strongly advised."

"No, we mean it. These guys are seriously messed up in the head. It's not their fault really. They all come from broken homes... especially Eric."

[The warning fades and the logo for Underworld Wrestling Syndicate's Friday Night Blackened appears on the screen for a few seconds before the show cuts to the inside of a large arena. The Syni-tron lights up showing clips from the previous show. Jamison is shown wrapping a chair around Cid's head and taking the UWS Hardcore Title from him. Following that is a shot of Jim Browski hitting Grumpy with a Polish Hammer. A couple of shots showing the large man now known as Sin laying out Scar and Leo Kirk. Shane Brandon is shown snapping Hoser's ankle in between the sides of a steel chair. Eric Manson is shown nailing Thorn with the Silencer. There is a shot of Hellfire blowing fire into the face of Kurt Tremere, who blocks it with the OWF Division Title. Another shot shows Gabriel Blade nailing Lee Todd with a Samoan Drop, only to have Lee roll Gabe back into a crucifix for the pinfall. The last shot shows Lee Todd and Tumbler holding the UWS Tag Team Titles. Fans are screaming and cheering.]

[The scene cuts to the back, where we see a black limousine pull up.]

Jim: It looks like Vince MacMahon is here.

Gallivan: Be sensible, Jim.

[The limo comes to a stop, and the crowd goes nuts as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Jean-Claude Van Damme get out of the limo.]

Gallivan: What on earth are they doing here?

Jim: Oh no! The rumors are true! The UWS has been turned into a Planet Hollywood!

Gallivan: Jim, the idea for the restructuring was for the company to actually MAKE money.

Jim: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

[A backstage attendant greets them and they walk into the building.]

[The camera cuts back to ringside and pans over to the UWS announce table, where Johnny Gallivan and Jim "The Killer" Browski are seated.]

Gallivan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to UWS Blackened! We had an insane show for you last time, and we are still feeling the fallout from it. Craig Lassiter and Marcus Ash, the two men who started the UWS are no more. Ash has left the company and Craig Lassiter was last seen officiating the UWS Tag Title match. Ash's man-Friday Cid is now the OWF President and Ken "Jester" Holbrook is now the LWA President.

Jim: And if you believe that, I've got some swamp land to sell ya. Holbrook's running the whole show cause Cid doesn't know any better.

Gallivan: Jim, I haven't announced you yet. Ladies and gentlemen, with me as always is Jim "The Killer" Browski.

[Jim is wearing a sweatshirt with the words, "Snot-Money" on it.]

Jim: I don't need to be introduced Gallivan. I'm always here. And you can thank me for your ass being in that seat as well. Or have you already forgotten our little match against Grumpy and Dutch.

Gallivan: How could I forget. Fans, we've got a packed show tonight, as always. Jamison will have his first real match when he "Tests Perfection" at the hands of Brian Thorn. Gabriel Blade is looking for a modicum of payback when he faces off against Stu-E Price.

Jim: The UK Crew took the UWS Tag Titles last show, and not surprisingly so. Blade and Burke just suck.

Gallivan: Jim, do I need to remind you that the match was 3-on-2? And that Lee Todd just barely pulled off the win? It was an impressive match, but we still aren't sure how 3 men are going to represent the UWS Tag Team division. In addition to that the impressive Hellfire takes on another newcomer to the UWS, Dake Ken. And as if that wasn't enough, we've got not one, but two division title matches. "Illegally Extreme" Eric Manson finally gets his shot at the gold when he faces a man who hasn't had a break since winning the OWF Division Title, Kurt Tremere.

Jim: Yeah, but unlike some of these broken down drunks and snot-nosed punks, Tremere is a god amongst men.

Gallivan: Your Tremere worship is getting a little out of hand, isn't it Jim?

Jim: No, I don't think so.

[Jim pulls up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the word "Tremere" tattooed across his right forearm.]

Gallivan: Dear heaven. And in our main event tonight, the fans will finally get to see Lee F'n' Todd take on Shane Brandon. Tonight we will find out just who is the real LWA Division Champion. Lee's rebounded after his double defeat at Hollycaust with a win last show, and I can tell he's anxious to get his hands on the Threat.

Jim: Oops, that's gonna cost you your bonus, Gallivan. You said the name of the PPV that cannot be named.

Gallivan: Enough of that. What are we waiting for? Let's see some wrestling!

[The show cuts to a ring camera. Aspen Sandstrum, looking as lovely as ever, is standing in the ring, with a microphone in hand.]

Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, accompanied by Carrie. From Newark, New Jersey, and weighing in at 250 lbs... HELLFIRE!!!

[Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl" hits the airwaves as walls of flame begin to line each side of the entrance ramp and red lights flood the arena. Hellfire steps through the curtains, with his valet Carrie following close behind. With one swift movement, he jerks his head up in the air and spews flames from his mouth. He then finishes his journey to ringside, steps through the ropes, and awaits his opponent.]

Gallivan: This newcomer to the OWF Division is coming off a great match last show against Kurt Tremere.

Jim: Hey, maybe we'll see somebody set on fire!

Gallivan: This isn't FHW, Jim.

Aspen: And his opponent. Coming to the ring at this time, accompanied by Ice. From Toronto, Ontario, and weighing in at 287 lbs... DAKE KEN!!!

["Parabola" by Tool begins to play as the lights dim in the arena. As the lyrics begin, Dake Ken steps through the entrance curtain. He stands for a while looking at the crowd. He start to walk down the ramp, he stops at the middle and pauses. He goes to the ring. Turn right and walks up the stairs. Stands in the middle of the ring.]

Gallivan: DI Rogers calls for the bell and we are ready to begin. Both managers have taken their positions at ringside, and Dake Ken charges Hellfire! He hits him with a Lariat and follows it up with lefts and rights! Ken rams a Knee into Hellfire's midsection... and slams him to the mat with a Gutwrench Suplex! He's back up, and drops an Elbow onto Hellfire! And another! And another! Dake Ken fakes another elbowdrop, but instead... Double Stomps Hellfire in the guts! Now, he goes for the legs of the flamed-one and cinches him up for what looks like a Boston Crab... No! Ken Slingshots Hellfire chest-first into the turnbuckle! He barrels across the ring to the far corner, then charges at Hellfire... AVALANCHE TO THE BACK BY DAKE KEN!!! Dake hooks Hellfire from behind... Back Suplex on Hellfire! He drops his weight onto Hellfire, and here's the count... 1... 2... Kickout!

Jim: Impressive start for Dake Ken. He's taking Hellfire to town in there. Haven't these two been fighting over Dake Ken's name?

Gallivan: Yep. Apparently, UWS management was a little worried about it and tried to get Ken to change his name. But, after a few calls to the game company, they parted with the copyright of the name for a song.

Jim: Wayhey, let the Dake Ken merchandise commence!

Gallivan: Dake Ken picks up Hellfire... and Irish Whips him hard into the turnbuckle! Hellfire comes out and walks straight into a bearhug... but Hellfire breaks his arms out of it! Hellfire Headbutts Dake Ken, knocking him back a few steps, then nails him with a beefy Forearm to the chest... and another! He grabs Ken... and Bodyslams him to the mat! Ken is back up, but Hellfire cinches him for a Front Facelock as he gets back to his feet. He hooks him up... and Suplexes him to the mat! Hellfire rolls through the move and hooks the leg for a cover... 1... Kickout by Dake Ken! Hellfire is up and lifts up Ken, but Ken nails him with a Shoulderblock out of nowhere! He hoists Hellfire onto his shoulder and walks him over to one of the corners. Dake Ken drops Hellfire onto the top turnbuckle, but Hellfire nails him with a vicious Elbow shot as he brings his head up! Dake Ken staggers back, but heads back to the corner... and runs into a Boot in the face by Hellfire! Again, Ken staggers out of the corner, and Hellfire raises himself up to the top rope! Dake Ken turns around... FLYING LARIAT BY HELLFIRE!!!

Jim: Bang! Ken's a massive guy, but Hellfire damn near spun him around on that move.

Gallivan: Instead of going for the cover, Hellfire is up and bounds off the ropes... Running Legdrop across the throat of Dake Ken! Now, he lifts Ken's upper torso off the mat... and applies a Dragon Sleeper! Rogers is checking on Dake Ken and asking if he gives it up. But, considering how tight Hellfire has this move locked, I'd say the danger is in him passing out.

Jim: Like his namesake, Hellfire is sucking the oxygen out of the room.

Gallivan: That's a bit of a stretch. Dake Ken is struggling, and DI Rogers waves off the count. He's trying to inch towards the ropes, but Hellfire's got him in perfect position. Hold on! Hellfire breaks the hold, and quickly drags Ken to his feet. He Irish Whips Dake Ken off the ropes... but Ken Leapfrogs over a backdrop attempt! Ken bounds off the far ropes and heads back... BUT WALKS INTO A POWERSLAM BY HELLFIRE! He hooks the leg and this could be it... 1... 2... Kickout by Dake Ken! Hellfire is back up and he waits on Dake Ken. Ken crawls up to his hands and knees... and Hellfire drops an Elbow across his back! He picks up Dake Ken... BACKBREAKER BY HELLFIRE! Instead of dropping him, Hellfire balances the big man across his knee, and puts the stretch on Dake Ken!

Jim: Hey, Ken's an athlete. He's gotta be flexible.

Gallivan: Yeah, but the human body can only bend so far before it breaks. And Hellfire is testing Dake's flexibility right now. Hellfire hits Ken with Karate Chop to the throat, and tosses Ken to the mat. He rolls Dake Ken over onto his back and rams a knee into the small of his back. Hellfire hooks Ken, and it looks like he's going to apply a Surfboard! He raises him up, but Dake Kean breaks free!

Jim: Good thing. If there's a difficult move to escape from, it's the surfboard.

Gallivan: Ken is up, but backs into a corner for a breaker. Hellfire charges in after him... nailing him with a Clothesline in the corner! He pulls Dake Ken out of the corner, and grabs him for a Chokeslam... BUT DAKE KEN BREAKS FREE AND HITS HELLFIRE WITH A CHOKESLAM OF HIS OWN! He drops down for the cover, and here's the count... 1... 2... Kickout! Dake Ken pulls Hellfire to his feet, and Irish Whips him HARD into the turnbuckle! Dake Ken charges in... BUT RUNS INTO A BOOT IN THE FACE! Dake Ken staggers back, turning towards the middle of the ring. Hang on! Hellfire jumps clear up onto his shoulders... VICTORY ROLL BY HELLFIRE! He's got Ken's feet hooked tight... 1... 2... 3! That's it!

Jim: Wow, when was the last time you saw someone win with a Victory Roll?

Gallivan: I couldn't tell you. Incredibly close contest between these two, but Hellfire comes out on top tonight.

[The show cuts backstage, where UWS Hardcore champion Jamison walks out of a restroom. He is wearing a trenchcoat and dark sunglasses. He glances left and right carefully before heading down the hallway, into a large backstage area. There, "Sentinel" Gabriel Blade and "Demolition Man" Michael Burke are signing autographs for a single lucky kid. The kid thanks them, and they shake his hand and head off. Jamison walks into the room, takes off his shades and smiles at the kid.]

Jamison: Hey kid, having fun?

Kid: You bet! I got a mess of autographs. My uncle works for the UWS, so he got me this cool backstage pass.

Jamison: Well, you have a good time. Hey, do you want my autograph?

Kid: You're a wrestler?

Jamison: Of course I am.

Kid: You're awfully skinny to be a wrestler.

Jamison: Well, take a look at this.

[Jamison opens up the trenchcoat, revealing the beautiful and shiny (not beat up like the WWE one) UWS Hardcore Title.]

Kid: What's that?

Jamison: That's the UWS Hardcore belt. Now do you believe I'm a wrestler?

Kid: Hardcore? That's not real wrestling.

[With that, Kurt Tremere walks into the room, behind Jamison. From his vantage point, he just sees Jamison holding open his trenchcoat at a young kid, who then turns up his nose and walks out of the room.]

Jamison: Hey, wait!

[Tremere just shakes his head in disgust.]

Tremere: You sick bastard.

[The show cuts to another backstage shot where we see Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sly Stallone, and Jean-Claude once again. They come to a dressing room and knock on the door. Someone inside says "come in" and they enter. Inside we see Brian Thorn finishing lacing his boots. He looks up at them and smiles.]

Brian Thorn: Hey, guys. Glad that you could all make it.

Arnold: Vell, ve vouldn't miss dis for da vorld!

Jean-claude: Jou kiddink? Vally vas a good man, he didn't desserve vat happent to him.

Brian Thorn: Well, I'm glad that you all feel the same way that I do about it. Why don't you go out to your seats and enjoy the show.

Arnold: Da, good idea. I can't vait to see jou kick Jamisons ass!

Sly: Yo, break 'is frikkin jaw, would ya? I ben waitin' for dat loosah to get his mout shut one way or anuttuh.

Brian Thorn: No problem, Sly. Jamison's going to be the easiest match I've ever had.

[The show cuts back to the ring as the cameras close in on the announce table.]

Jim: (laughing) Jamison's not getting a lot of respect backstage, is he?

Gallivan: Certainly not. But, we'll see if he can shut up his detractors when he steps into the ring later tonight.

[Suddenly, "Carousel" by Mr. Bungle begins to play and Ken Holbrook and Cid make their way towards the ring from backstage. Holbrook is still wearing a neckbrace and legbrace and walks with the aid of his silver Jester-headed cane. Once in the ring, Holbrook calls for a microphone.]

Holbrook: Well well well. How do you people like the new UWS so far?

[Decent reaction from the fans.]

Holbrook: Hellfire and Dake Ken definitely have a future with this company. In fact, I just finished signing Dake Ken to an LWA contract. It's because of people like them that we are intent on bringing new blood into this organization. A company cannot be built upon weakness or those who would live in the past.

Jim: What the hell is he talking about?

[Ken retrieves a sheaf of papers from his jacket.]

Holbrook: I have here a small selection of UWS Contracts. Tonight, we clean out some deadwood! (he looks at the first sheet, then hands it to Cid) Hoser... broken ankle... terminated!

Gallivan: What? You can't just fire someone when they're injured like that! Who does he think he is, Eric Bischoff? And Hoser was injured at the hands of his good buddy Shane Brandon, no less.

Holbrook: (reading another and handing it to Cid) Scar... complications due to concussion... terminated! (passing another sheet to Cid) Leo Kirk... crushed trachea and numerous untreated injuries that had impaired his performance in the ring... terminated! (he pulls two sheets off the top, glances at them, then smiles) Archangel and Crusader... Reaper's relics of the past... terminated!

Gallivan: What the hell is he doing? He's getting rid of half the fed!

Holbrook: (handing another sheet to Cid) Flashback... thinks the grass is greener in FHW... terminated! Red Zachary... (laughing) auditioning for Phantom of the Opera... terminated!

Gallivan: Now that's just in bad taste! Zachary suffered a terrible facial injury while wrestling for UWS.

Jim: Zachary should try his hand at hockey. Afterall, he's well acquainted with the faceoff!

Gallivan: Jim, I expected better from you.

Jim: Then you don't know me very well, Gallivan.

[Ken hands the last of the contracts to Cid, who pulls a zippo lighter out of his jacket. Cid sets the paper on fire, turns them to make sure they are all burning, and drops them to the canvas.]

Holbrook: We burn away the old to make way for the new. If this organization is going to make money, then we have to stop cutting paychecks for guys who are sitting on their asses at home. The Underworld Wrestling Syndicate always had promise, but from here on out, it shall be truly great!

[Cid stamps out the fire of the contracts as the ash begins to fly up around the ring.]

Holbrook: Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Now, before I leave I've got a few things to address. At the last Blackened, Lee Todd, Stu-E Price, and Tumbler won a match for the UWS Tag Team Titles. Now when I made that match, I was only interested in seeing Gabriel Blade hurt, and hurt badly. But, once again Lee has let me down by choosing to actually wrestle. But, what's done is done. Despite my mistake in booking the match, you will remain champions... for now. But, you won't be getting any more handicap matches from me. From here on out, you'll do it Freebird-style. Two of Lee Todd, Stu Price, or Tumbler will defend those belts at any time. The other man will be allowed to accompany the team to the ring, but... and this is an important point. Any outside interference from another member of this so-called UK Crew will result in the immediate forfeiture of the titles!

Gallivan: Wow, that's pretty harsh.

Jim: I guess Ken was a little pissed that Lee and company took those belts last show.

Holbrook: And Lee, before that belt gets too comfy around your waist, let me announce that at the next Blackened, you'll be defending those titles against Jamison and Dake Ken!

Gallivan: Wow. First, Jamison gets a Hardcore Title handed to him, and now he and Dake Ken are given a tag title match in their first outing. If they are getting heat from the boys backstage, this isn't going to diminish it one bit. Holbrook definitely wants to shake up the status quo here in the UWS.

Holbrook: Finally, it has come to my attention that the UWS Hardcore Champion, Jamison, lost possession of the Hardcore title several times over the last two weeks, only to take it back. Maybe I was a little quick to sanction this title in such a wide-open fashion. So, I will add a single stipulation to the UWS Hardcore Title. Changes in possession must be broadcast on one of our shows to be counted as official! Because, as they say in the WWE... if it didn't happen on TV, it didn't happen. Thank you for your time, and enjoy the show!

[Carousel kicks in again as Ken and Cid slowly leave the ring. Then, the fans boo and jeer as Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Van Damme are led to their seats in the front row by UWS security. Someone even has the nerve to pelt Jean-Claude in the back of the head with a packet of JuJuBees. Security quickly drags the fan out, while he yells, "You're an obnoxious cunt, Van Damme!"]

Jim: No class, these Canadians. No class at all.

Gallivan: Well, then you'll enjoy this announcement. Fans, I've been asked to tell you that for the next Blackened, we will be heading south of the border for the first time when the UWS brings the most exciting wrestling in the world to the Flowbee Stadium in Flint, Michigan. Tickets are still available, but we expect a big crowd, so pick them up soon.

[The show cuts to an external camera shot where Lee Todd arrives in the parking lot in a long stretch limo taking the time to properly thank the driver for his fine job in getting him to the arena, he climbs out to greet his public. Making sure to greet each and every fan all three of them he relishes the oppertunity to pose for pictures and sign autographs. Wearing a T-Shirt reading "I'm a face now" in large white print he finishes up with the fans and heads for the locker room. Spotting Gabriel Blade backstage he grins running up to the man just the other week he was tearing apart in the ring he throws his arms around him giving him a big hug.]

Todd: Hey Gabe how you doing buddy long time no see. I've decided it's high time I started showing this industry and it's competitors the proper respect. Did I ever tell you how impressed I was with the way you handled such an crushing defeat last week, that was impressive kid.

[Looking increasingly agitated, Blade looks ready to pounce.]

Todd: Well nice talking to you buddy, good luck in tonights match, and remember Stu's got a weak knee, be sure to take advantage. If you need me just drop by my dressing room I'm in room 4 it would be nice to have some company from a fellow face because......

[Pointing at his shirt.]

Todd: I'm Lee F'n' Todd and I'm a face now.

[Lee wipes off his hands and whistles merily as he heads to his dressing room.]

Gallivan: Well, Lee's behaviour seems most uncharacteristic of the British bad boy.

Jim: Hey, you're reading that off a script!

Gallivan: Shut up, Jim.

[The show cuts back to the ring.]

Gallivan: Up next is Kurt Tremere against Eric Manson.

Jim: Why are we having the OWF Division Title match as the second match on the show? Aren't we still trying to compete against FHW in the ratings?

Gallivan: Well, the "official" reason for this is that this match will spike this quarter-hour of the show, and that most viewers will then stick around for the main event.

Jim: Oh, does that mean I have to do a Lawler and hype Todd VS Brandon all throughout this match, ignoring the real action in the ring?

Gallivan: No, Jim. We wouldn't stoop that low. Of course, that's the official reason. Rumors backstage are saying that Kurt Tremere wants to get his match out of the way so that he can go see a movie.

Jim: You gotta love Tremere. So, this one should be finished in record-breaking time... so Tremere can get good seats!

Gallivan: Take it away, Aspen Sandstrum.

Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the OWF Division Title. First, the challenger. Coming to the ring at this time, accompanied by Malice. From New York City, and weighing in at 268 lbs... "ILLEGALLY EXTREME" ERIC MANSON!!!

[Lights go out as "Welcome Burden" by disturbed starts to play. Pyro goes off. He slowly stalks to the ring. Climbs up the steps and enters the ring.]

Aspen: And his opponent, the OWF Division Champion. Coming to the ring at this time, from Toledo, Ohio, and weighing in at 248 lbs... KURT TREMERE!!!

[The lights flicker out, and as the sound of wind fills the arena, a low blue light slowly lights the crowd. After a moment, a voice can be heard echoing through the PA.]

[The blue lights slowly grow a little brighter moment by moment.]

[At the end of the last line, the lights vanish and the arena is engulfed in darkness and silence..]

[As the scream is heard through the PA, 4 blue spotlights shine on the entrance, and "Superstar" by Saliva begins to blast out of the speakers, almost simaltaneosuly with a large pyro explosion on the ceiling and ramp. As the smoke clears, Kurt Tremere is standing in the middle of the entrance, looking over the crowd. The spotlights begin to strobe with the beat of the song, and they follow Kurt down the aisle as he begins to walk. Kurt ignores the crowd, not once even looking at them as he walks. The spotlights follow Kurt up the stairs and onto the apron where he wipes his feet, but then go out as he jumps over the ropes and into the ring. It's only dark in the arena for a moment, because on cue with the next loud beat of the song, more explosions go off, and as the lights come back on, Kurt Tremere is standing in the middle of the ring with his arms raised in the air, and what appears to be glass raining down on him. When the music and fireworks finally cease, Kurt walks over to the corner, lies on top of it ala Shawn Micheals, and adjusts his one elbow pad on his right arm.]

Gallivan: No one thought Manson could defeat Brian Thorn, but he did. No one thought he could pin Archangel... but he did.

Jim: And no one thinks he can beat Kurt Tremere. But here's where the upsets stop. Tremere is getting mighty comfortable wearing that OWF Division Title. And even though he's got the more important UWS Unified World Title, he's not about to drop this belt to a misfit like Manson.

Gallivan: We shall see. Tremere drops off the turnbuckle... and Manson bowls right into him! He knocked Tremere clean off his feet, and drops onto the champion. Manson is firing lefts and rights into Tremere, who is completely taken off guard!

Jim: See, Kurt is letting Manson punch himself out. It's all according to plan.

Gallivan: Rogers warns Manson, who is firing a lot of closed fists, and Kurt is just trying to cover up the best he can. He kicks out a leg, and loops it around the bottom rope. Manson continues to smack Kurt around, but after a count of 5, Rogers steps in and calls for the break. Manson is back up, but starts laying the boots to Tremere! Rogers physically pulls Manson off the champ, and now he's threatening to disqualify him.

Jim: Ah, Kurt is going to use psychology to get Manson to disqualify himself. See, that's extra smart.

Gallivan: Kurt is slow to get to his feet, and Manson is right there when he gets up. He grabs Tremere by the hair... and Snapmares him to the mat! Manson follows it up with a Dropkick to the back of the head... and Tremere rolls out of the ring to the floor!

Jim: That's it, take a breather. Plenty of time. In fact... just aim for a time limit draw! The champ keeps his belt on a draw. Or a countout. Heck, just walk right out of the ring! (yelling) GO HOME, KURT! THIS GUY AIN'T WORTH YOUR TIME!

Gallivan: Jim, I think that's enough coaching Kurt Tremere. Rogers starts a count on Tremere, but Manson bails out of the ring after him. Tremere was walking around the ring and Manson grabs him by the hair from behind... AND RAMS HIM HEADFIRST INTO THE STEEL RINGPOST!

Jim: That's a DQ! Come on, ref!

Gallivan: The sicker of the UWS fans have taken to cheering Eric Manson, especially after he and Leo Kirk destroyed Red Zachary.

Jim: Yeah, but Kirk is gone. It's time for Manson to stand on his own.

Gallivan: Rogers bails out of the ring, and he's warning Manson again, but "Illegally Extreme" is more concerned about the champion. He picks up Tremere and tosses him back into the ring. Now, Manson rolls back into the ring. He hits Tremere with a Kneedrop to the chest... and starts pounding right hands into Tremere's head! It looks like the champ was cut open by that shot to the ringpost, and Manson is opening it up even more! Rogers puts another count on Manson, and this time he breaks. After giving Rogers a second to check on that cut, Manson drags Tremere to his feet. So far, the champ has put up zero offense against "Illegally Extreme." Manson fires Tremere off the ropes... and Kurt ducks under a Clothesline. Both men bounce off the far ropes, and Manson catches Kurt with a Cross Bodyblock... but Tremere caught him! Tremere holds him for a second... then drops him down across his knee! Now, Kurt drives a knee into the chest of Eric Manson. He grabs Manson by the hair with one hand... and starts ramming his elbow into Manson's face! Over and over again!

Jim: You don't manhandle Kurt Tremere without getting it back in spades, mister.

Gallivan: Rogers is pretty lenient with the champ, considering what he let Manson get away with earlier. Kurt is just hammering Manson in the face and head with that heavily padded elbow. But, after an elongated 5 count, Rogers steps in and calls for the break. Kurt picks up Manson and moves around behind him... HIGH ELEVATION BACK SUPLEX BY TREMERE! He dropped Manson straight down onto the back of his head. Tremere is back up... and starts dropping Flash Elbows onto Manson! And another! And another! And another! And another!!! Now, he takes a few steps back, runs forward... AND PUNTS MANSON IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD!

Jim: There's a wakeup call if I've ever seen one.

Gallivan: As fast as that, Kurt Tremere has taken control of this match. Tremere is all business in that ring. He wipes the blood from his face and picks up Manson. Tremere hooks him up for a Suplex... but Manson falls back behind him! Manson cinches a waistlock on the champ... but Tremere tattoos him with a lightning-fast Back Elbow! Tremere fires back another one, breaking the hold! He turns around, and boots Manson in the stomach... Butterfly Suplex by Tremere! The champ floats over, and hooks the leg of the challenger... 1... 2... Kickout! Now, Tremere wipes more blood off his forehead with the back of his hand... AND SMEARS IT ACROSS ERIC MANSON'S FACE!

Jim: That woke him up.

Gallivan: Tremere follows this up by slapping Manson across the ear! That was just a taunt! He backs up to a corner, and waits for Manson to scramble back to his feet... Tremere goes for the K Klass Killer... but Manson ducks! He moves back behind Tremere and grabs him for a Hangman's Neckbreaker... but Tremere breaks free! Both men spin around to face each other, and Manson stings Tremere with a Knife-edge Chop! Tremere fires back one of his own!

Jim: Whooo!

Gallivan: Manson doesn't get the whooo?

Jim: Nope, just Tremere.

Gallivan: After another chop from each of them, both men lock up again, but Manson breaks the hold. He starts Palm-thrusting Tremere in the chest, sumo-style, driving him back into the corner! Manson fires a couple Shoulderthrusts into Tremere guts, then hoists the champ onto the top rope! Now, he climbs onto the second rope, and starts firing closed fists into the bloody forehead of Kurt Tremere!

Jim: This could get messy.

Gallivan: Messier. Now, Manson cinches up Tremere with a Bearhug. It looks like he's going to belly-belly Tremere off the top rope! Hang on! Kurt hits Manson with a headbutt... then breaks free of the bearhug! He grabs Manson by the hair... and nails him with a Forearm Elbow shot to the head! And another! And another! Manson is about to fall back, but Tremere's holding him up by the hair! He keeps hold of the hair on top of Manson's head... AND HITS ERIC WITH A VICIOUS EUROPEAN UPPERCUT!

[Manson falls backward, slamming to the mat. Kurt Tremere holds up his hand, dropping a handful of blue hair to the arena floor.]

Jim: Bang, baby! That's what happens when you face the world champion.

Gallivan: Now, Kurt Tremere stands up on the top rope, gets his balance... SENTON ATOMICO BY KURT TREMERE!!! Kurt rolls to a standing position, and just stares out at the fans with a look of disdain on his face. After basking for a few seconds, he turns back and drops onto Manson for a nonchalant cover... 1... 2... Kickout by Eric Manson!

Jim: Look at that! Kurt pulled him off the mat to break the count!

Gallivan: No he didn't!

Jim: Yes, I saw it. I'm sure.

Gallivan: Jim, I think you need your eyes tested. Tremere pulls Manson to his feet, and locks on a Side Headlock. Manson doesn't have much left in him, but he fires off a few Elbow shots to the kidneys of Tremere trying to break the hold. Manson shoves Tremere off the ropes, breaking the hold. The champ bounces off the far ropes... and hits Manson with Running Knee to the midsection! He cinches him for a Michinoku Driver... but Eric falls back behind him, locking in a Dragon Sleeper... SILENCER BY ERIC MANSON!!!

Jim: What?!

Gallivan: OUT OF NOWHERE! Manson nailed that Inverted DDT/Elbow to the throat! DI Rogers is ready as Manson hooks the leg... 1... 2... 3! NO! Kurt Tremere kicked out!

Jim: Yes! All according to plan!

Gallivan: Manson looks shocked, but he's not letting that faze him. He's on his knees as he grabs Kurt by the hair, and just starts ramming Kurt's head into the canvas! There is a huge red blotch on the mat from Kurt's bloody face. Waitaminute! It's Hellfire!

[The fans, who have been cheering and booing both men in this match, boo much louder as Hellfire charges out through the entrance curtain. He is carrying a folded steel chair in one hand.]

Jim: What the hell is he doing here?

Gallivan: Kurt beat Hellfire on the last show, and it looks like the pyromaniac is looking for payback. Manson sees Hellfire coming to the ring as he drags Kurt to his feet. He locks on a Front Facelock... and Kurt rolls him up with a Small Package! Rogers drops for the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Manson is the first one up, and he gets in Roger's face! He starts shoving the ref back against the ropes!

Jim: Turn around, you idiot! Flamey-drawers is on the apron!

[Hellfire steps into the ring and sparks up a lighter that was hidden in his hand. He touches it to the chair, which bursts into flame, giving off obvious lighter fluid fumes. On the other side of the ring, DI Rogers tries to turn around, but Eric Manson grabs him by the shoulders, holding him in place. The two start struggling, but Manson is holding him firm.]

Gallivan: Kurt Tremere is getting back to his feet, trying to catch his breath. Hellfire looks at him with a grin and raises the chair!

Jim: Where's the Sentinel when we need him?

Gallivan: Kurt looks up... AND HELLFIRE SMASHES HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH THAT FLAMING STEEL CHAIR!!!

[Chants of "Holy Shit" begin to echo throughout the arena. Tremere collapses onto the canvas, smoke rising from his singed hair.]

Jim: This is unfair!

Gallivan: Hellfire bails out of the ring, the damage done, and tosses the chair to the floor. Now, Manson releases Rogers and drops onto Kurt Tremere for the cover! Hold on, Rogers isn't counting!

Jim: Good on you, Rogers! He's not as stupid as Julio Suave. Tremere's face is scorched, for frig's sake! He'd have to be blind not to realize what just happened.

Gallivan: Rogers is calling for the bell! It looks like we've got a DQ. Hold on, the bell isn't ringing! Waitaminute, Rogers is hesitating, and I think someone's speaking to him through his earpiece.

Jim: The fans aren't supposed to know the ref has an earpiece.

Gallivan: Why? Is it such a big secret? Rogers shakes his head, and drops to his knees... AND ADMINISTERS THE COUNT! 1....... 2........ 3.........! Rogers looks disgusted, but he's calling for the bell once again!

Jim: What the fuck just happened?

Gallivan: Your guess is as good as mine, Jim. That might have been the slowest count in UWS history, but here's the official decision.

Jim: Sweet zombie Jesus, that's the biggest travesty in the history of the world!

Gallivan: Hellfire climbs into the ring, and Rogers is handing Eric Manson the OWF Division Title! He's actually done it! Hellfire is congratulating Eric Manson. We've got a new champion!

Jim: Man oh man, this is heartbreaking.

Gallivan: Tremere has bailed out of the ring during the celebration, and the ring crew is helping him to the back. Fans, you may not like the way he did it, but Eric Manson has finally done it.

Jim: Screw him!

[The show cuts backstage, where Brian Thorn is heading back to his dressing room. He pushes the door open to reveal a scene of utter carnage. Broken glass covers the floor.]

Gallivan: What's going on here? It looks like Thorn's dressing room has been demolished.

Jim: Look at all that glass! The place must have been full of mirrors.

[Thorn tries to maintain his cool as he steps inside. Once inside, the camera closes in on the word "VANITY" written in red lettering all over the walls of the room.]

Gallivan: Well, I guess we know who did this now, don't we?

Jim: We do?

Gallivan: Pay attention to the usual suspects, Jim.

[The show cuts back to ringside where Aspen Sandstrum is waiting in the ring with microphone in hand.]

Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, weighing in at 180 lbs... JAMISON!!!

[The lights darken. Inside Out begins to blare throughout the arena. Out from the curtain comes Jamison, water bottle in hand. In his torn up black t-shirt and baggy black Jncos he walks to the ring. He jumps up onto the mat and poses for the crowd. Jamison carefully takes off the UWS Hardcore Title, and straps it around the ringpost in one of the corners. Then, making himself comfortable, he sits in the corner facing the entrance awaiting his opponent.]

Aspen: And his opponent. Making his way to the ring, standing at 6 feet tall and weighing in at 235 lbs, from Hollywood, California, he is the ultimate model of perfection in a mortal man, he is, BRIAN THORN!!!

[In Thorn's voice we hear the word "Ultimate" over the sound system as a spotlight shines down on the entrance ramp to a waiting Thorn. "Model" is spoken the same way as another spotlight hits him from a different angle, and Thorn raises his arms in acceptance of the appreciation the fans must have for him. "Of" is heard as a third spotlight shines down on the man with the million-dollar smile. "Perfection" sounds in Thorn's voice as a fourth and final spotlight engulfs Thorn. Suddenly "Tear Away" by Drowning Pool plays over the sound system and all four spotlights follow Thorn down the entrance ramp. On the Syni-tron we see images of Thorn in his glory, hitting the Double Take, flashing his "million dollar" smile, women hanging off of both arms, and then a closeup of the arrogant face. Thorn takes his time walking down the entrance ramp, letting his music play through. Once in the ring he flashes his "million dollar" smile once again, the music fades, and the lights come back on.]

Gallivan: DI Rogers calls for the bell.

Jim: Judas!

Gallivan: Jim, you've got to get over this.

Jim: Well, I'm still broken up about Tremere's loss, but I'll suck it up and act like a professional. But, I'd still like to know who told Rogers to make that count after that blatantly illegal act.

Gallivan: Well, try to keep your mind on the match at hand.

Jim: Ok. Thorn wanted a wrestling match, and Jamison wanted a shootfight. We are about to see just which of them is going to get his way.

Gallivan: These two have been trading insults since the last show, and they are finally in the ring together. Surprisingly, both men are taking their time locking up. They circle each other, and here's the collar and elbow tieup! They jostle for a few seconds... and Thorn Armdrags Jamison across the ring! The hardcore champ is quick to get back up... but runs into another Armdrag! Jamison pops back to his feet... and nails Thorn with a Standing Dropkick! Both men scramble back to their feet... and this time it's Thorn who runs into an Armdrag! Thorns back up, but Jamison locks on a Side Headlock! Thorn doesn't waste any time shoving Jamison off the ropes, breaking the hold. He drops to the mat as Jamison criss-crosses the ring. Thorn bounces back up as Jamison comes off the far ropes... and catches him with a Cross Bodyblock! Thorn hooks Jamison's leg, but Jamison rolls through covering Thorn! DI Rogers drops down for the cover, but Thorn rolls through onto Jamison! Before a count of 1, Jamison rolls through... and both men roll under the bottom rope to the floor!

Jim: Well, we had some wrestling for a few seconds or so.

Gallivan: Both men are up on the outside, and Jamison clocks Thorn with a fist in the head! Thorn returns fire with a Snap Kick to the ribs! Jamison rams his shoulder into Thorn's midsection, and shoves him back-first into the steel guardrail! He starts peppering Thorn with lefts and rights in the stomach... THEN HITS THORN WITH A CLOTHESLINE THAT SOMERSAULTS HIM OVER THE GUARDRAIL, INTO THE CROWD!

Jim: There's some hardcore for ya, Thorny.

Gallivan: The fans are trying to get at the cock of the walk, but Thorn's fallen close enough to the contingent of action stars that he's brought along to the show, and they are holding off the crowd. Hold on! Jamison jumps up onto the steel guardrail, and balances on the top... SOMERSAULT PLANCHA ONTO BRIAN THORN!!! Now Jamison is firing off a flurry of punches onto the Perfect One.

Jim: Hold on, the has-beens are getting involved!

Gallivan: Dear God, Jean-Claude Van Damme has just kicked Jamison right in the head, and now the three of them are takin' it to him. They're just laying into him.

Arnold: Take dat, an dat!

[Arnold holds Jamison by the arms, and Jean-Claude is now kicking and punching him over and over.]

Gallivan: Thorn's getting up now. He's taking a breather.

Jean-Claude: An dat, and dat!

[Stallone moves Van Damme out of the way, and raises his arm.]

Sly: Waallaayyy!

[Stallone drives his fists right into Jamison.]

Gallivan: Hold on, Thorn steps towards them and pulls Stallone off of Jamison. It looks like he's going to stop them... VICIOUS KICK BY BRIAN THORN! Brian Thorn just landed a vicious side kick right into the midsection of Jamison as Arnold was still holding him! What a cheapshot!

Jim: Jamison might've broken a rib on that one.

[The celebs and Thorn continue to beat on Jamison until Seun runs into the fray and starts separating them from the wrestlers.]

Gallivan: Thorn takes this opportunity to hit Jamison with a Spin Kick that knocks him back over the guardrail into the ring area again! Jamison was really taking it to Brian Thorn until his "friends" helped out.

Jim: Well, that's Jamison's fault for trying to turn this into a hardcore match. When will he learn that hardcore just isn't cool.

Gallivan: Thorn jumps over the barricade and heads over to Jamison, who is getting to his feet. He unceremoniously boots him in the head to knock him back down! Rogers is being very lenient about the count in this one, but now he's telling Thorn to take it back into the ring. Thorn grabs Jamison... and Irish Whips him back into the steel guardrail! Jamison staggers out... and Thorn Monkeyflips him to the concrete floor!

Jim: There's hardcore for ya!

Gallivan: With that, Thorn is up, and rolls back into the ring. He is followed by DI Rogers, who puts a count on Jamison on the outside. Thorn is in control of this one. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he wants to put Jamison through school here tonight.

Jim: You're forgetting one thing, Gallivan.

Gallivan: What's that?

Jim: Jamison knows Slickie T. That's all the schoolin' he needs.

Gallivan: Rogers reaches 6, but Jamison is up and slides into the ring. Thorn waits for him to stand... and hits the youngster with a Spin Kick to the side of the head! Jamison collapses to the mat, but doesn't stay down long. Thorn is there as he gets back up and locks on a Front Facelock... Butterfly Suplex by Thorn! Thorn flips up to his feet, and charges at the ropes... ASAI MOONSAULT BY THORN! Instead of going for the cover, Thorn pins Jamison's shoulders to the mat with his knees... and starts smacking him around the head! He's paintbrushing Jamison, and this kid doesn't like it one bit!

Jim: Can you blame him?

Gallivan: Hold on! Jamison hooks Thorn's arms with his legs, and pulls him back for a sunset-flip-type cover! Rogers makes the count... 1... 2... Kickout! Thorn jumps up to his feet, and boots Jamison in the face! Now, Thorn places a foot on his chest and strikes a pose!

Jim: That's cocky.

Gallivan: Rogers drops down to administer the count on Jamison, but Thorn lifts his foot off before a count of 1. He plants his boot onto the face of Jamison... Spinning Boot Rake by Thorn! It looks like Thorn is deliberately trying to rile Jamison up. I guess he wants to see just what this kid is capable of. Rogers gives him a cursory warning about the face rake, but Thorn just laughs it off. He circles Jamison like a vulture as he gets back to his feet. Thorn grabs him by the arm as he regains his vertical base. Irish Whip by Thorn... into a huge elevated Backdrop! Jamison scrambles back up... BUT THORN DROPS HIM WITH A DRAGON LEGSWEEP! Again, Jamison clamors back to his feet, but Thorn grabs him by the arm... Ipponzei by Thorn! Thorn is having fun in there! He's just knocking Jamison down every time he gets back up!

Jim: You know how to stop that. Just don't get up anymore.

Gallivan: Jamison won't give Thorn the satisfaction of staying down. He's back up... and Thorn hits him with a high Standing Dropkick that sends him stumbling back into a corner! Thorn charges in after him... AVALANCHE BY THORN! He got a lot of speed in just a few steps. Not wasting a second, Thorn steps one foot onto the second rope, and uses the purchase to nail Jamison with a Jumping Kick to the side of the head! Jamison staggers out of the corner, but doesn't fall.

Jim: That's just luck. He's barely conscious.

Gallivan: Thorn jumps up behind him... BUT JAMISON DUCKS UNDER THE ENZUIGIRI ATTEMPT!

Jim: That was close.

Gallivan: Jamison staggers around to face Thorn as he scrambles back to his feet... Standing Dropkick right to the face on Brian Thorn! Both men are down... AND BOTH OF THEM FLIP UP TO THEIR FEET! They stare at each other for a second as the fans applaud both wrestlers... then they charge! Jamison ducks under a Clothesline by Thorn, and hooks him for a Crucifix! Thorn tries to lean forward, but Jamison's got too much momentum! He carries Thorn back for the Cruicifix, and here's the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Both men rush to be the first one up... BUT JAMISON GETS CAUGHT WITH A KNEELIFT! Thorn boots him in the midsection... AND POWERBOMBS HIM TO THE CANVAS! He holds Jamison in the Powerbomb position... lifts him up... AND POWERBOMBS HIM ONCE AGAIN! This time he releases the Hardcore champ, and takes a few steps back. Thorn is finally showing signs of being winded.

Jim: He's starting to look frustrated at Jamison. He's not staying down, no matter what he hits him with.

Gallivan: As if on cue, Jamison crawls back to his feet and stands. Thorn fires off a Jumping Spin Kick, but Jamison jumps out of range! He charges in... NAILING THORN WITH A RUNNING FOREARM! The Perfect One staggers back, but is caught by the ropes.

Jim: Shades of the Narcissist!

Gallivan: Jamison reaches in... and Hiptosses Thorn to the mat! He grabs Thorn as he tries to get up, and cinches him for what looks like a Piledriver... but Thorn reverses it into a Backdrop! Jamison just won't stay down, though. He's back up, but Thorn grabs him by the head... runs up the ropes... TORNADO DDT BY BRIAN THORN!!!

[Thorn rolls halfway across the ring, and just lies there, taking a breather.]

Jim: These guys are firing on all cylinders in that ring. This isn't just any old match. Both guys are out to prove something to one another.

Gallivan: Thorn slowly gets back to his feet, and just stares down at Jamison, who looks completely out. The fans are booing him as he backs into one of the corners, and just sits on the top turnbuckle, taking a break.

Jim: Ok, I stand corrected. That's cocky!

Gallivan: Hey, what the hell is this?

[The lights go out and an eerie silence is heard as suddenly "Black All Over" blares throughout the pitch black arena and dark blue smoke fills the entrance ramp. The one named Sin stands at the end of the aisle and raises his gloved black hands over his head, saying a prayer to himself, then without a word, he starts walking towards the ring as he brings his thumb across his neck slowly in a cut-throat gesture.]

Gallivan: IT'S SIN!

Jim: Oh! So, that's what that "Vanity" stuff was all about.

Gallivan: You catch on quick, Jim. Thorn jumps off the turnbuckle and heads over to Jamison, who is finally starting to stir. He picks up the cruiserweight... AND TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF SIN!!!

Jim: That's using your head.

Gallivan: Sin looks down at Jamison... and just walks over him. He jumps onto the ring apron from the floor, and now DI Rogers is running over to keep him out of the ring.

Jim: There's no law and order in the UWS anymore!

Gallivan: Sin doesn't appear too concerned about the match in progress... he wants to get his hands on Brian Thorn.

Jim: Vanity is a terrible sin, Johnny. And who knows better than Thorn?

Gallivan: Thorn backs off from the ropes while DI Rogers barks orders at Sin. Hold on! Seun, the sexiest man over 700 lbs is waddling towards the ring! He pulls Sin off the ring apron, and shoves him back against the guardrail!

[Sin just stares at the mammoth man in front of him with a shocked look on his face. The cameras are close enough to pick up what he says.]

Sin: Gluttony!

Gallivan: That's it! Sin starts firing punches at Seun, who starts firing back a few of his own! The rest of the UWS security team are heading in to help Seun as these two big men start brawling down the entrance ramp! It looks like chaos has been diverted in this one. They are being coralled out of the ring area by security.

Jim: Is it just me, or does it look like Sin is protecting Jamison?

Gallivan: I think it's got more to do with the Hardcore "Greed" Title than Jamison. But, you could be right. Thorn bails out of the ring to the outside, where Jamison is still down. He picks up the kid, but Jamison grabs him by the tights... and rams his head into Thorn's midsection! Thorn buckles over... AND JAMISON CATCHES THORN WITH A DROP TOEHOLD THAT RAMS THORN'S HEAD INTO THE STEEL GUARDRAIL!!!

Jim: Pow!

Gallivan: Jamison is up, and rolls back into the ring. DI Rogers continues his count, and Thorn's is going to have to be quick to beat this count! 7... 8... 9... Thorn slides back into the ring!

Jim: That was close.

Gallivan: Jamison is waiting on Thorn as he slides in... and catches him with a Baseball Slide to the head! Jamison grabs Thorn by the feet... AND APPLIES THE WALLS OF JERICHO! Jamison is cranking back on Thorn! With the two division title matches tonight, this match was only given a 10 minute time limit, and I'm not sure if it's going to be enough.

Jim: Who cares?

Gallivan: Thorn is trying to crawl towards the ropes, but Jamison's doing a good job of holding him in position. Rogers asks Thorn again if he wants to tap, but the Perfect One refuses to give in. Jamison continues to crank on that Boston Crab... AND THORN FINALLY REACHES THE ROPES! Rogers calls for the break, and Jamison does. Now, the youngster picks up Thorn, and Irish Whips him off the ropes... but Thorn ducks under a Clothesline! He heads off the far ropes and returns... BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX BY JAMISON! He hook Thorn's leg, and here's the cover... 1... 2... Kickout!

Jim: Good thing about the time limit. Neither one of these guys wants to lose.

Gallivan: Jamison is up and quickly heads up to the top rope! Thorn isn't moving! TOP ROPE SNUKA SPLASH BY JAMISON!!! He hooks the leg, and this should do it... 1... 2... Kickout by Thorn! Jamison isn't acting like a rookie in there. He ignores the setback, and drags Thorn up to his feet. Jamison rams Thorn's head between his legs, and underhooks his arms! This could be the Canadian Crippler! Hold on! Thorn pulls Jamison's legs out from under him! He tries to turn Jamison over for a Boston Crab of his own... but Jamison is throwing punches at Thorn from the floor!

Jim: I don't know how much weight he can put behind those punches, but they've got to sting.

Gallivan: Thorn releases Jamison and takes a step back. Jamison scrambles to his feet... and Thorn hits him with a Snap Kick to the ribs! And another to the leg! Thorn whips Jamison off the ropes, and heads off the far ropes... SPINNING HEEL KICK BY BRIAN THORN!!!

Jim: He damn near decapitated Jamison!

Gallivan: Thorn hooks both legs, and DI Rogers is there to make the count... 1... 2... Kickout! I can't believe it! We are quickly running out of time in this match fans.

Jim: And Thorn and Jamison are running out of moves.

Gallivan: Thorn is very slow to get up, and he just waits on Jamison, who just won't stay down. Thorn is bouncing on the balls of his feet now, trying to get his blood flowing. Jamison is up, and takes a swing at Thorn, but he ducks back out of range. Thorn hits Jamison with a Spin Kick to the ribs... DOUBLE TAKE BY BRIAN THORN!!! That second kick hit Jamison in the side of the head, and he drops like a rock!

Jim: Speaking of the Rock, I just heard that he's on tap to play the title role in the live-action Johnny Bravo movie. Now, I'm not racist, but that is the worst casting in the history of movies. I'll be friggin' glad when The Rock's 15 minutes are up, so he can go back to doing what he does best.

Gallivan: Wrestle?

Jim: Hell no. I don't know what he does best... but it ain't wrestling or acting, that's for sure.

Gallivan: Thorn drags Jamison away from the ropes to be sure and drops onto him for the cover... 1... 2.....

[The bell suddenly rings, catching Julio in mid-count.]

Jim: Suppertime?

Gallivan: That was the bell, it looks like this match is a time limit draw!

[The fans, who had been cheering the match, boo loudly as Julio waves off the count.]

Gallivan: This is a big disappointment. These guys fought their hearts out, and for this match to go down as a draw. But, I guess we'll be seeing a rematch very soon.

Jim: Rematch? The hell with that!

[Jim jumps up on his chair and starts shouting and waving his arms.]

Jim: FIVE MORE MINUTES! FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!

[The fans quickly join in, and soon most of the arena is chanting.]

Gallivan: This is amazing. In the ring, Jamison has rolled into a corner, and he's trying to shake off the cobwebs. Julio asks Thorn, who looks ready to continue. Julio heads over to Jamison, and unbelievably, this kid is standing up! He looks like hell on legs, but he's agreeing to keep going!

Jim: (sitting down) There, that's all taken care of.

Gallivan: Jim, I'm shocked that you would be so into this match that you'd want to see a true winner emerge.

Jim: True winner? Hell no. I'm bored to tears watching this match. I just don't want to see these two guys in the ring together again, so we might as well finish this now!

Gallivan: Julio calls for the bell, and we've got a brand new match, fans!

Gallivan: Thorn charges at Jamison, who catches him coming in... HOTSHOT BY JAMISON!!! He scrambles onto Thorn and hooks the leg... 1... 2.. Kickout! This kid is double-tough. Jamison is up, and drags Thorn up to his feet. He Irish Whips Thorn off the ropes, but Thorn ducks under a Clothesline on the way back! Jamison heads off the far ropes and Thorn ducks under another Clothesline! Both men bounce off the ropes, and Jamison ducks for a Backdrop... BUT THORN REVERSES IT INTO A SUNSET FLIP! Rogers drops to the canvas to make the count... 1... 2... Kickout! Somehow, both men are getting back to their feet! They lock up, and Jamison Armdrags Thorn to the mat!

Jim: Oh Lordy, this is where I came in.

Gallivan: Thorn is back up, and Jamison catches him for a Side Headlock. Thorn hoists the Hardcore champ up into the air... but Jamison reverses it into a Headlock Takedown! Both men rush to their feet, and Jamison throws a Dropkick... but Thorn backs just out of range! Thorn grabs him by the arm... MAJISTRAL CRADLE BY THORN!!! Rogers is there once again, and makes the cover... 1... 2... NO! Jamison rolled through the move, and now Thorn's shoulders are on the mat! Here's the cover... 1... 2... NO! Thorn rolled through, and re-covers Jamison... 1... 2... 3!!!

Jim: Is that it? Is that official?

Gallivan: It sure is! What a match!!!

Jim: Thank Buddha for that.

Gallivan: Both men just collapse in the middle of the ring, and they are both spent. The fans are cheering both men, and I'm still astonished that we had an actual wrestling match after all the trash that these two were throwing these last two weeks.

[Thorn stands up, and DI Rogers raises his hand. He looks over to Jamison, who also stands up.]

Gallivan: These two have beat the hell out of each other, but they must have earned each others respect.

[Thorn stares at Jamison, then grudgingly holds out his hand.]

Jim: Ah, what a sickening display. Can't they give me a monitor so that I can watch football like Jim Ross does between matches?

Gallivan: Jamison looks wary, but finally accepts Thorn's hand. Thorn raises Jamison's hand high in the air, and these fans are cheering even louder! Waitaminute! THORN JUST HIT JAMISON WITH A SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE!!!

[The cheers immediately turn as Thorn drops Jamison in the middle of the ring. The Perfect One rolls out of the ring and rips the UWS Hardcore Title off the ringpost and walks towards the backstage area.]

Gallivan: That is disgusting! I've lost all respect I had for Brian Thorn.

Jim: Did you have any respect for Brian Thorn?

Gallivan: Well... no.

Jim: Then you have lost nothing, squire.

[The show cuts backstage, where Brian Thorn is walking through the entrance curtain into the backstage area, dragging the UWS Hardcore title unceremoniously behind him. He looks exhausted, and his hair is (unbelievably) a mess. Thorn heads through a concession area where several fans are lining up to buy UWS merchandise. One of the fans, a skinny blonde-headed kid wearing a Brian Thorn T-shirt, turns around and nearly walks right into Thorn. He is holding a bottle of water.]

Kid: Holy crap! Aren't you Brian Thorn?

Brian Thorn: Beat it, kid.

[Despite Thorn's rudeness, the kid holds out his bottle of water and--after a second's hesitation--Thorn takes it. He unscrews the cap, pours the water over his head, then fingercombs his hair back into perfect position. With that, Thorn drops the bottle on the floor, and heads off towards his lockeroom. The kid just looks down at the bottle on the floor with his head held low.]

Brian Thorn: Hey, kid!

[The kid spins around to see Thorn looking back at him.]

Kid: Yeah?

Brian Thorn: You want to be the UWS Hardcore Champion?

Kid: Um... sure!

[Thorn beams a smile at the kid, and tosses the belt (almost in slow motion) to the kid. He catches it, and hugs the belt to his chest.]

Kid: Wow!

[With that, the show cuts back to the ring.]

Jim: Wait one damned minute! Does that mean that this skinny blonde kid is our new Hardcore champion?

Gallivan: It sure does. "Mean" Brian Thorn has shown complete disdain for the Hardcore division and its champion, Jamison. I just hope someone gets his kid's name before he leaves the arena.

Jim: Hold on, let me get this straight. Anyone can be the Hardcore champion?

Gallivan: Anyone and everyone.

Jim: Then what's to stop FHW from sending down some guy just to steal the belt and take it to FHW?

Gallivan: Um... our crack security team?

Jim: Exactly. That belt is as good as gone, Gallivan.

Gallivan: Ok fans, I'm being told that we are sending a camera into Stu-E Price's dressing room. Why? Don't ask me, I just work here.

Jim: He'd better have some clothes on.

[The show cuts to a dressing room backstage where Stu-E is lacing up his boots in preparation for his match. Ken Holbrook walks into the room, followed by the impressive figure of Mr. Toasty Bacon.]

Holbrook: Ah, Mr. Price. How are you feeling tonight?

[Stu looks a little surprised to see Ken Holbrook standing in front of him.]

Stu: Pretty good, bossman.

Holbrook: Mr. Price, call me Ken. Technically, Cid is your boss, as you're under an OWF contract.

Stu: (winking) Gotcha Ken.

Holbrook: I won't keep you, Mr. Price. I'd just like to wish you luck in your match against Gabriel Blade.

Stu: I don't need luck.

Holbrook: No, of course not, Mr. Price. You take this kid out, and the UWS will be your oyster. But it won't be full of pearls, it'll be full of gold.

Stu: Duly noted, bossman.

[Ken Holbrook shakes Stu's hand, then hobbles out of the room. The show cuts to ringside, where Ryan Lockheart is waiting in the ring with a microphone in hand.]

Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, from Athens, Greece, and weighing in at 246 lbs... "SENTINEL" GABRIEL BLADE!!!

[And Justice For All plays as Gabriel Blade steps onto the entrance ramp. Those observant of the human soul can easily see the wonder and awe still there in his eyes as he surveys the scene before turning to face the ring and marching resolutely forward. "Demolition Man" Michael Burke steps out behind him and slaps the hands of a few fans on his way to the ring.]

Lockheart: And his opponent. Coming to the ring at this time, from Darlington, England, and weighing in at 240 lbs... STU-E PRICE!!!

[The arena goes absolutely pitch black for a few moments. A single spotlight appears and flashes around the arena before coming to a halt, right at the Syni-tron. Still in silence, it begins to come to life with the sound of a heartbeat ticking over and over as a few words appear on the screen.]

[A large explosion of pyrotechnics go off, and with that a large record scratch is heard; Bodyrock by Moby plays out through the speakers. Stu-E walks through the curtain, when he does a massive blue and white laser show kicks off as he slowly walks to ringside, stopping halfway. Stu looks around the arena before raising both arms in the air and running to the ring, rolling under the bottom rope. When inside the ring he goes to the corner and climbs the turnbuckle and waves to the crowd before sitting on the top turnbuckle.]

Gallivan: This one should be good. When Stu wasn't helping us out on color commentary last show, he and his fellow UK Crew members were busy winning the UWS Tag straps from Burke and Blade. It's a little strange, though, that Gabe is accompanied by his tag partner but Stu is out here alone.

Jim: If you ask me, Stu is the only of those three that has his head on straight.

Gallivan: Jim, do I have to replay the footage from the last show? Have you already forgotten what Stu said about you?

Jim: Hey, I'm a 90's man. I can forgive someone if they are making an effort to get their life on track.

Gallivan: Jim, the 90's are long gone. In the ring, Julio Suave is checking over both men and giving them their pre-match instructions. Fans, I'm sad to say that LWA Division backup referee, Joe Generic, has also been given his walking papers by Ken Holbrook. Or should I call him, Paul Bunyan.

Jim: Why, because he's in love with a big fat cow?

Gallivan: No, because he's a deft hand with the axe. But, to be honest, Joe Generic wasn't getting much work in the UWS anyway. Gabe and Stu lock up in the middle of the ring, and Gabe lifts him up by the arms! He steps forward... and tosses Stu-E into the turnbuckle! Gabe comes in with a Back Elbow, then Irish Whips Price clear across the ring, into the far corner! Stu drops his head and charges gabe, ramming his head into Gabe's stomach! The Sentinel grabs Stu... AND POWERBOMBS HIM TO THE CANVAS! Stu gets back up, and they lock up again. Stu hits several Back Elbow shots... and follows it with a Jumping Arm Breaker! He quickly applies a Code Red on Gabriel Blade, and Stu is cranking back on that arm furiously!

Jim: Code red? Who are you, Craig Pittman? That's a Cross Arm Breaker, you knob.

Gallivan: Whatever it is, Gabe is in real pain. Hold on, the Sentinel is lifting himself off the mat! He pulls himself up, with Stu-E still hanging off that arm! This is not the least painful way to break out of the Cross Arm Breaker, to say the least. Gabe grabs Stu with his other arm, lifts him up... AND POWERBOMBS HIM TO THE MAT!

Jim: Talk about your one-move wonder.

Gallivan: Well, it broke the hold. Gabe picks up Stu-E, and viciously hurls him into the Turnbuckle! Stu bounces out of the corner, landing on the mat. Gabe comes in after him... BUT WALKS INTO A SPINEBUSTER BY STU-E PRICE!

Jim: Well, Stu met him halfway.

Gallivan: Stu hasn't really been given a chance to show what he can do in the ring thus far.

Jim: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Gallivan: Stu pushes down on Gabe's shoulders, and here's the cover... AND HE'S GOT HIS FEET ON THE ROPES! 1... 2... Kickout! Julio Suave didn't see that "bending" of the rules, but Gabe kicked out nevertheless. Stu is up, and Gabe is up quickly after him. Stu applies a Side Headlock on Gabe, and now he's cranking down on his ears! Gabe hits Stu with a couple of Forearm shots to the kidneys, and pushes Stu into the ropes to break the hold.

[Stu releases the hold, then grabs Gabe by the hair with both hands, and furiously yanks him onto his back.]

Jim: Ouch! Hey, what's he doing out here?

[Suddenly, Lee F'n' Todd steps out through the entrance curtain. In one hand, he's got a book with the words, "UWS Official Rulebook." In the other, he's got a microphone. He walks straight to the ring, and climbs through the ropes. Julio runs over to stop him, but Lee just stands in front of him.]

Todd: I'm sorry ref I just noticed that dastardly Mr. Price commit an infraction of the rules grabbing at young Mr. Blade's hair. I demand you disqualify Mr. Price and adhere to this rule book.

Gallivan: Todd's shaking that rulebook at Julio Suave like some demented priest.

Jim: Oooh, you're gonna get letters after that crack, Johnny.

Gallivan: On the other side of the ring, Stu is professing his innocence, and Julio just looks confused.

Jim: Well, more confused than normal.

Gallivan: Gabe is getting back up, and he doesn't look too enthused to be seeing Lee Todd in his wrestling ring. And just what is Lee doing anyway? I know he's trying to turn over a new leaf, but isn't Stu Price his partner and old friend?

Jim: Julio's not taking any of this. He's just shouting for Lee to leave the ring.

[Lee spins around, "accidentally" clipping Gabe across the head with that rather large rulebook, knocking him back to the canvas. Lee shrugs his shoulders, and bails out of the ring.]

Gallivan: Gabe is down, and Stu drops onto him for the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! I guess now I see where Lee Todd was going with that.

Jim: No, that was an accident. I'm sure of it.

Todd: Dreadfully sorry I really had no intention of physically interjecting myself in to this match. Go on Blade get up and kick his bottom. Once again I do apologise and hope these marvelous fans will forgive my well intentioned interjection in to this match.

[With that Lee returns to the backstage area.]

Gallivan: Stu takes advantage of the situation in the ring... AND APPLIES A FUJIWARA ARMBAR!!! He's targetting the arm of Gabe, and that's probably a good strategy. Julio is checking on Gabe, who's in a rough position right now. Outside of the ring, Gabe's been going through a rough patch with this family, and apparently his father isn't too happy about him being a wrestler. Jim, do you remember when you told your folks that you were a wrestler?

Jim: I never did. A friend of my pops saw me in a "wrestler" bar with a bunch of guys from the old ECUW. They put two and two together. I told them I just worked on the ring crew, but they wouldn't believe me.

Gallivan: What did they do?

Jim: Disowned me. I didn't talk to either of them for just over eight years.

Gallivan: Wow, that's terrible.

Jim: Yeah, eventually I just got up the nerve to go back home. I went down with "Jigsaw" McGraw and said, "Dad, this is my tag team partner, and you're just going to have to learn to live with it."

Gallivan: Well, what happened?

Jim: He just nodded and told me to sit down for supper. After a meal and a few beers, he invites me up to his study. And have a guess what he shows me...

Gallivan: What?

Jim: Wrestling magazines, Johnny. Dozens of 'em.

Gallivan: Wow... your dad was a closet wrestling fan?

Jim: Sure was. I didn't have the heart to tell mom.

Gallivan: Um... Ok, fans. I'm just getting word that we've had some more calls from irate viewers, and I think we should focus on the match at hand. I have no idea why, but maybe someone will explain it to me later.

Jim: Well, that's what happens when you're on Live TV. We're always the last to know.

Gallivan: Gabe has been slowly inching towards the ropes, but Stu is really doing the job on Gabe's arm and shoulder. Julio asks if Gabe was to throw in the towel again, but no dice. He drags himself a few inches more... then grabs the bottom rope! Julio puts a count on Stu, then calls for the break. Stu is up, and hits Gabe with a few well-placed stomps to the shoulder! He grabs Gabe by the arm, and applies an Arm Wringer... but Gabe pulls Stu into him, cinches a waistlock... AND NAILS A NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! He's got the bridge, and here's the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! That was close!

Jim: Yep.

Gallivan: Brilliant quip there, Jim. Both men are back up, and they lock up again. Stu-E goes for a Hiptoss... but Gabe blocks it! He goes for a Hiptoss of his own... but Stu blocks it! Stu rams Gabe with a knee in the midsection... AND HITS A ROCKER DROPPER ON THE SENTINEL!!! Instead of going for the cover, Stu is headed up to the top rope! This could be the end of the match if he hits this. Stu balances on top... AND HITS A FROGSPLASH ON GABRIEL BLADE!!! He hooks the leg, and this should do it... 1... 2... NO! Gabe kicked out!

[Stu slams his hands down on the canvas in anger.]

Gallivan: Stu stands up and tries to drag Gabe to his feet. He picks up Gabe for a bodyslam... no, he's cinching him for a Tombstone Piledriver! Stu holds him up... but Gabe falls back! Now, Gabe lifts up Stu for a Tombstone! Hang on! Stu is fighting out of this one! He falls back, and hoists up Gabe for a Tombstone!... AND PLANTS IT! TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER BY STU-E PRICE!!!

Jim: I think Gabe underestimated our friend Stu going into this one.

Gallivan: Stu drapes an arm across Gabe, and here's the cover... 1... 2... NO! Gabe got a foot on the bottom rope, just before the 3 count! Stu curses under his breath, and drags Gabe to his feet. He locks a Front Facelock on Gabe... but Gabe hits him with a Forearm shot to the ribs! And another!

Jim: I don't know how much pepper's on those steaks. Gabe's barely mobile in there.

Gallivan: Stu tries to lift Gabe for a Suplex, but he hooks the leg to block it! Gabe hits Stu with another shot to the ribs, then repositions... URINAGE BY GABRIEL BLADE!!! That got the fans back into this match! Gabe doesn't follow it up, but he's on Stu, so that's a cover I guess... 1... 2... No! Stu got a shoulder up before the 3 count!

Jim: Jesus, everybody brought their "A" game tonight.

Gallivan: They sure did. Gabe is sucking down a lot of air in that ring as he crawls back to his feet. Stu is much slower to get up, but he's still moving.

Jim: Moving shmoving.

Gallivan: Both men are on their last legs in there. Stu nails Gabe with a European Uppercut that sends him back against the ropes. He whips Gabe off the far ropes... AND SPEARS HIM TO THE CANVAS! But, Stu-E is too winded to capitalize! He drags himself into one of the corners, and starts dragging himself to his feet.

Jim: Hey! Todd alert!

Gallivan: It's Tumbler! Tumbler has just jumped out of the crowd, and he's holding one of the UWS Tag Titles!

[Tumbler grabs a microphone from the timekeepers table and climbs inside the ring. Everyone just looks at him, the referee included.]

Tumbler: (smiling) Now hold up you two before you try and throw me out of this ring I have had a brain storm. Now Stu you and I have had arguments about who should have this tag title and I've finally worked out a way to settle it.

[Tumbler pauses for a second to draw out suspense.]

Tumbler: I'll Ro-sham-bo you for it!

[Tumbler runs at Stu and kicks him with extreme force in the balls, Stu collapses in a heap and the ref rings the bell calling for the disqualification.]

Gallivan: What the hell is going on?!

[Tumbler quickly rolls out of the ring pulling Stu out with him and holding his arm up in victory.]

Jim: What a scam! I love it!

Gallivan: Gabe is going ballistic in the ring. Stu Price is having a hard time standing up on the outside of the ring. Julio Suave has already called for the bell, but now he's outside the ring, talking to the timekeeper. Tumbler is trying to drag Stu away from the ring area, but Michael Burke is blocking their progress on the entrance ramp.

Jim: Is this match over, or not?

Gallivan: I don't know. Gabe rolls out of the ring and comes up behind Tumbler and Stu... AND KNOCKS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER! Gabe shoves Tumbler forward... INTO A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX BY MICHAEL BURKE ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP!!!

Jim: Hey! They can't do that!

Gallivan: Gabe grabs Stu by the hair, and now he's dragging him back to the ring! Julio is back in the ring, and he's calling for the bell again. It looks like this match is still on! I don't know if Tumbler and Stu had that worked out together to give Stu the DQ win, or if Tumbler just thought he was being clever.

Jim: That'll be the day.

[The camera cuts away from the ring to show the skinny blonde-headed kid with the Brian Thorn T-shirt standing in the crowd, holding his UWS Hardcore Title very tightly.]

Jim: What a tool.

Gallivan: Gabe follows Stu into the ring, but Stu hits him with a stinging right hand to the head! He tries to whip Gabe off the ropes, but Gabe reverses it... sending Stu hard into the turnbuckle! He charges in after him... NAILING STU-E WITH A LARIAT IN THE CORNER! Stu staggers out of the corner, and Gabe is right there... GATEWAY TO INFINITY BY THE SENTINEL!!!

Jim: There's a mouthful for ya.

Gallivan: Gabe has applied that mandible claw, and Stu's in real trouble! Julio is ready to ring the bell! Stu drops down to his knees... AND BRINGS HIS FIST UP INTO THE GROIN OF GABRIEL BLADE!

Jim: That's how ya do it!

Gallivan: Somehow, Gabe didn't break the hold! He drops down to one knee, but he's maintaining that hold on Stu Price! Gabe cranks it on... AND STU TAPS!

Jim: Impressive display of groinal fortitude by the Sentinel.

Gallivan: Gabe releases the hold, and collapses to the mat. Incredible match by both men.

Gallivan: Fans, I'm being told that our very own Babe, Barbra Raymond is going to try to get a word with our new Hardcore Champion. Take it away, Babe.

[The camera cuts to a crowd shot where a skinny blonde kid holds onto the UWS Hardcore Title. The kid's eyes get a big a saucers as Babe sidles up next to him in her skin tight jeans and white satin blouse.]

Babe: Thank you, Johnny. I'm here with the UWS Hardcore Champion. Well, I guess my first question has to be this... what's your name?

Kid: Matt.

Babe: Ok, Matt. How does it feel to be the Hardcore Champ.

Kid: It's great! Some goons already tried to take it from me, but I booted one of them in the nuts and threw a Coke in the other guy's face. Thorn rules!

Babe: Matt, how old are you?

Kid: 15. That's gotta be some record for the youngest Hardcore champ, huh?

Babe: Probably. Matt, aren't you worried about getting hurt?

Kid: Heck no!

Jim: That's it! I'm sick of listening to this crap.

[The camera whip-pans to show Jim Browski getting up from his announce position and heading towards Babe and Matt.]

Babe: Jim, this is my interview.

Jim: Not anymore toots.

[Jim smiles at Matt, who smiles back. Then, he pulls back and drills the kid square in the nose. Matt falls back, knocking over his chair and starts crying and holding his nose. Jim reaches down and rips the Hardcore Title off Matt's waist and carries it back to the announce table. The camera follows him back as he puts his headset back on.]

Gallivan: Jim! What on earth are you doing?

Jim: I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm becoming the UWS Hardcore Champion!

Gallivan: You just punched a 15 year-old in the face!

Jim: Perks of the trade. But, the important thing is... I'M THE CHAMPION! Hoo-ha! All my years of hard work have finally paid off!

Gallivan: Jim, this may very well be the most dispicable thing you've ever done.

Jim: Listen, somebody was going to beat the snot out of this kid and take the belt... and they might not have been as nice as me. I did the punk a favor.

Gallivan: I don't know what could be worse than you having a title. Let's cut to something... ANYTHING!

[The scene cuts to a shot outside the arena. Craig Lassiter is talking to a man in a headset, who is hanging out of the UWS production truck. Wires are streaming from the truck in all directions. Craig is wearing black jeans and a white sweatshirt.]

Lassiter: You got all that?

Man: Yessir, Mr. Lassiter. Our team's been working better together after each show.

Lassiter: Good to hear it. Listen, when you do off a copy of the show for Ken Holbrook, could you do one off for me too?

Man: Not a problem, boss.

Lassiter: Thanks, Ronnie.

[Craig turns to leave, but bumps into Barbra Raymond, otherwise known as Babe. He immediately blushes, but quickly recovers.]

Lassiter: Oh, hi. Working hard?

Babe: I wish. I was told I'd be involved with the running of the company, and they've got me interviewing kids and doing voiceover work.

Lassiter: Well, that's what you get with Holbrook and Cid. Ken may know a few things about putting on a wrestling show, but he doesn't know how to use people to their potential.

Babe: (in a seductive voice) And what would you have me doing?

[Craig just smirks at her as if to say, "I've seen all your tricks, don't bother."]

Babe: So, they got you running around, doing all the gruntwork?

Lassiter: I do what needs to be done. I may not be able to make decisions about what the audience sees, but I can make sure that things are running smoothly backstage.

Babe: Working hard... trying not to rock the boat... collecting a regular paycheck. That's not the Craig Lassiter I know.

Lassiter: Well, I've grown up a little in the past few years. When I wrestled, I could afford to burn down my bridges. There would always be another fed where I could peddle my wares. These days, feds aren't taking resumes for management.

Babe: So, you're just going to run down the clock puttering around backstage?

Lassiter: No, don't be silly. Holbrook will screw up, sooner or later. And when he does, I'll be right there to step back into my old job. Johnny knows what I can bring to the table.

Babe: You know, you give your brother more credit than he deserves. He's always treated you like crap, and you don't even bat an eyelid.

Lassiter: He's a businessman first, and a family man second.

Babe: Don't I know it. You know something? The Craig Lassiter I knew and loved would be working his ass off to make friends backstage. He'd be keeping his foot in the door, just looking for an opportunity to make his move. But he'd also be pushing buttons from behind the big green curtain. He wouldn't wait for Holbrook to screw up... he'd make him screw up.

Lassiter: Believe it or not, I'm busy. I'll see you around, ok?

Babe: Sure thing, Bad News.

[Craig glances back as Babe uses his old nickname, stifles a grin, then heads off.]

[The show cuts once again, and we find ourselves facing a series of grey, rather nondescript, lockers. Our view lowers slightly to reveal Shane Brandon, dressed in his full ring gear, seated upon a worn wooden bench. The grappler carefully tapes up his left hand, just as Hoss Titan appears at the locker rooms doorway. He enters cautiously, yet still tips his Stetson hat in a friendly manner upon entering the room.]

Brandon (dryly) Well, if it isn't the 'mega-successful-wrestling-tycoon' himself.

Hoss Titan: Keep on stormin' out a' my board meetins' and they jus' might down grade me to 'highly-successful-tycoon'.Ya jus' dang lucky most a' them stock holders thought ya' were a regular Robbie-Gaad-damn-DeNiro! They talkin' 'bout sendin' ya out ta' Hollywood fer' a screen test. 'Course, ya keep pullin' stunts like that an' you'll be more like Robbie Van Winkle - Forgotten and Broke!!! Haahaaa... Whew, that was a good one....

[.....]

Hoss Titan: Vanilla Ice, Shane! Robbie Van Winkle is Vanilla Ice! Heck son, If I'm the only one that's gonna keep my material current, than we dead in the water already! An' you trust me, we're gonna need every edge 'cause I jus' got word that has my blood a' boilin'! Ya ain't gonna believe it! That sumbitch Lee is rippin' us off! I tell ya, I think we got us a leak. Bobby from accountin' maybe.

Brandon What the hell are you talking about?

Hoss Titan: Lee Todd is turnin'! Mopin' mostly, but definitely a' turnin', jus' the same! Yep, I got a reliable source tellin' me he's seen the light. HAA! More like seen our marketin' plan!

Brandon So what's the big deal?

Hoss Titan: 'Big deal is' we've been breeched! An' It ain't the first time! Sure, I could handle the fact he suddenly starts runnin' with that Ron King fella. After all, us soulful, eloquent, big boned gentlemen ain't nearly on television enough as is.

Brandon Soulful huh?

Hoss Titan: Need I remind ya' who had the Vanilla Ice reference? Point bein' Shane, we shoulda been fightin' fire wit' fire all along!

Brandon Well... (glances at a clock affixed to the wall) I think it's a little late for that.

Hoss Titan: I'm jus' warnin' ya, don't you go thinkin' the UWS won't start backin' that lil' snot. Christ on the cross, everybody loves it when a tough guy shows his softer side... How else ya' explain all them 80's power ballads! Naw, m-maybe ya can slap a' hand or two on the way to the ring. Out good-em! Or that Todd sumbitch is gonna have that crowd eatin' out his palm!

Brandon Hoss, sneering or smiling...

[Brandon stands; a fierce look in his eyes. He tightens a loose piece of tape before wrapping it firmly around his wrist.]

Brandon All I care is that he has a mouth to bloody...

[The show cuts back to the announce table at ringside.]

Gallivan: Well, it looks like Hoss and Shane have kissed and made up, which is bad news for Lee Todd. Hoss Titan may not make much of a physical presence at ringside, but his presence definitely makes a difference.

Jim: Yeah, but you know what the most important thing is?

Gallivan: What?

Jim: I'm the Hardcore Champion! Whooooo! Local kid makes good... Jim "The Killer" Browski becomes the first color commentator to win a major title in a wrestling federation. Film at eleven!

Gallivan: This is unbearable, you know that, Jim?

Jim: Why do you think I'm doing it?

Gallivan: Well don't look now, Jim... but it looks like you've got company.

[Sin steps through the entrance curtain, and starts heading for the announce table.]

Jim: Oh crap!

Gallivan: He must have got free from Seun, and now he's coming back... for that belt around your waist.

Jim: You want to be Hardcore champ, Johnny? Here! Take it!

[Gallivan pushes his chair away from Jim, who is holding the belt out towards him.]

Gallivan: Get away from me! You made this bed... you lie in it!

[Sin reaches the announce table, and hurls it to his left.]

Gallivan: Jim jumps up from his chair... AND RAMS THAT BELT INTO THE FACE OF SIN! The big man staggers back, and now my broadcast colleague charges him, barrelling him into the steel ringpost! Sin reaches out and grabs Jim by the throat!

Jim: (still wearing his headset) Aaargh! You big pile of sh--

Gallivan: CHOKESLAM ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR BY SIN!!! Dear heaven! This defender of virtue is just staring down at Jim on the ground. He reaches down... and picks up the UWS Hardcore Title! Can we get some attention down here for Jim?

[Sin looks down at Browski with disgust, then walks out of the ring area with the Hardcore Title in tow.]

Gallivan: Fans, we have lost control once again, and it looks like Sin is our new Hardcore Champion.

[Suddenly, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" begins to play and confetti snow begins to fall all throughout the arena. While this is happening, the UWS medical team attends to Jim Browski while the ring crew sets up a new announce table.]

Gallivan: What on earth is going on now?

[The roar of motorcycles is heard over the song as a truly strange sight is seen. Six motorcycles, ridden by the Hells Angels who appeared at the UWS PPV, ride out through the entrance curtain. In deference to the season, each man is wearing a green hat, and drinking a Heineken.]

Gallivan: Oh no. The Angels are back. Hold on! Those hogs are towing something!

[The crowd cheers as a large red sleigh is pulled through the entrance curtain behind the bikers. Instead of skis, the sleigh has large wheels. Standing up on the sleigh, dressed in a Santa Claus outfit complete with pillow stomach, is Zeke. Zeke is tossing foil-wrapped packages from a huge red back that sits beside him.]

Zeke: Happy Holidays! Brownies for everybody, courtesy of my pop's farm!

Gallivan: Fans, I am honestly speechless. It looks like Zeke has returned from his vacation... and he's handing out a few Christmas presents.

[The bikers pull Zeke and his sleigh clear around the ring while Zeke continues to toss out treats. After they have done a complete circle of the ring, the bikes rev up, and pull the sleigh back towards the entrance curtain.]

Zeke: Happy Happy Holidays Everybody!!! Onward!

[The ship of fools rides out of the arena leaving everyone--especially those who caught some brownies--cheering. After the entire spectacle is over, and the song is finished, the camera cuts back to the announce table. The table is setup again, and Jim Browski is seated next to Johnny Gallivan with an icepack strapped to the back of his head.]

Gallivan: You sure you're able to continue, Jim?

Jim: (mumbles something unintelligible and waves his hands)

Gallivan: Oooookay. Fans, I'm being told something is going on backstage!

[The show cuts to a room somewhere backstage. Sin is standing in front of the UWS Hardcore Title, which sits on the floor. Over his shoulder is a sledgehammer. The big man looks down at the belt and hoists the sledge in preparation.]

Sin: Greed!

Gallivan: What the heck is he doing! He's going to destroy the belt!!! Hold on! It's Hellfire and Eric Manson!!!

[Hellfire and Manson burst in through one of the doors and charge at Sin.]

Gallivan: It's 2-on-1, and these two have just knocked Sin off his feet and are stomping and punching at him! This Hardcore Title has done nothing but start fights... but I'm guessing that's exactly why Ken Holbrook and Cid brought it in, in the first place. Sin is fighting back, but he's outmuscled in this encounter! Hold on! It's Jamison!

[Jamison sneaks in through the open door, behind Manson and Hellfire. He reaches down, and grabs the Hardcore Title, and bolts out of the room.]

Gallivan: They didn't even see him! Hold on! Manson cinches up Sin, and Hellfire is right there to assist him... DOUBLE POWERBOMB ON SIN!!! They slammed him down on that concrete floor with a devastating thud! Hellfire turns around, and notices that the belt is gone!

[The two of them immediately head out the door to the room.]

Gallivan: It looks like they are in hot pursuit. I just hope Jamison got enough of a headstart to elude them.

[The camera cuts to another backstage cam showing Lee F'n' Todd preparing for his match in the locker room. Dressed in his standard attire of jeans and an T-Shirt he stands before a mirror.]

Todd: Well time to lie down the tools of the heel trade once and for all.

[Digging down the front of his old Levi's he produces a small baggy filled with an suspicious looking white powder from his crotch. And no folks this substance isn't illegal it's the salt he keeps just in case he ever needs to blind an opponent during the match.]

Todd: Won't be needing this any more.

[Reaching in to his back pocket he produces a pair of brass knuckles, a small razor blade and a thick silver roped chain. Producing a rag soaked in clorafoam from the other pocket he lies these weapons down on the table with the salt.]

Todd: Well I suppose these have to go as well, now what else?

[Reaching down and pulling off his trainers he removes the steel toe caps he's worn in the front of his trusty boots for years. Smiling he also removes a small steel rod from the heel of the shoe he uses to choke folks out.]

Todd: Well I think that's it, oh almost forgot.

[Reaching in to the sleeve of his shirt he inexplicably retreives a sledge hammer, it seems improbable that he really managed to conceal such a large weapon there yet he appeared to use little trickery in removing it.]

Todd: Well I guess this oficially makes me a face. Time to meet my fans.

[Lee walks out of the dressing room and heads off down the hallway. Then, there is a whistling and Dr. Karate walks past the room. He sees the open door and glances inside, seeing the booty on the table.]

Dr. Karate: Well, I'll be...

[He scoops up the weapons and starts cramming them into the mulitude of pockets in his labcoat.]

Dr. Karate: Waste not, want not.

[The show cuts back to ringside, where Ryan Lockheart is waiting.]

Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the LWA Division Title. First the challenger. Coming to the ring at this time, from Long Beach, CA by way of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and weighing in at 245 lbs... "THE THREAT" SHANE BRANDON!!!

[The lights dim for a mere moment, before an explosion of pyro casts the arena in a fiery red glow. "Revolution" by the Neurotic Outsiders blares over the arena loudspeakers, as Shane Brandon, led by a beaming Hoss Titan, steps through the entrance curtain. The crowds reaction does little to faze him as he walks to the ring with an arrogant grin and attitude. As Brandon enters the squared circle, he does a few stretches and shakes his head from side to side much like a boxer in preparation for the battle ahead.]

Lockheart: And his opponent, the LWA Division Champion. Coming to the ring at this time, from Darlington, England and weighing in at 232 lbs... LEE F'N' TODD!!!

[The lights in the arena dim as Sweet Child of Mine rips through the arena, dry ice fills the aisle as Lee F'n' Todd steps through the curtain a bottle of brown ale held high above his head in his left hand. A two fingered salute on his right. Strolling down the aisle he's followed by the ever-smiling Ron King. Making a slow march to the ring he hops up on the apron knocks back his ale before handing the bottle to Ron. Climbing through the middle rope he pauses like an agitated Lion waiting for the bell.]

Gallivan: I'm a little worried about the proclivity of sledgehammers backstage, but such is the nature of the beast. Well, this is finally it. The match that was scheduled on our first program, and nearly resulted in the closure of the federation, due to Brandon's lawsuit. The OWF is on its third Division Champion, but in the LWA Division, just one man has stood tall... Lee Todd.

Jim: Life is precious... and God... and the bible.

Gallivan: Um... I guess that's true Jim. These two combatants are ready now. Julio Suave gives them the signal, and we are off! They lock up in the center of the ring, and Shane Knees Lee in the midsection, knocking the wind out of him. Headlock Takedown by Brandon! The Threat maneouvers around, and applies a Leg Scissors around Lee's head! Lee is trying to fight out of it, but Brandon is in perfect position in this one. Hold on! Lee bridges his whole body up, pushing Shane's shoulders back to the mat! Julio drops down for the cover... 1... No! Brandon bridged up onto his own head, and now these two look like a bridge!

Jim: Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans!

Gallivan: Brandon applies more pressure in an attempt to cut off Lee's air supply. No, not the 80's band, the thing that brings oxygen into the body. No sir, Lee is not giving up! Both men are in very uncomfortable bridges, and I guess it's just down to stamina here! Brandon finally releases the head scissors, collapsing the bridge. He's up to his feet, but so is Lee. Brandon Whips Lee off the ropes and heads off the far ropes himself. The charge back, and Lee ducks under a Clothesline. Both men bounce off the ropes and come back to the middle... this time Shane ducks under a Clothesline! Again they head off the ropes... DOUBLE CROSS BODYBLOCK!!! The two men collided in mid-air, and that had to hurt both men!

Jim: Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Gallivan: That it is. Hang on fans! Gabriel Blade just stepped out through the entrance curtain! He walks about halfway to the ring, and now he's just standing and watching the action in the ring!

Jim: What the hell are you staring at?

Gallivan: Huh? Jim, are you ok?

Jim: Dancing is forbidden!!!

Gallivan: Jim, I think you might have a concussion. You should go see Doc Andrews. In the ring, Julio is counting both men out, but Lee is the first one up. He picks up Brandon... Backbreaker by Lee Todd! He drops Brandon and now he's stomping him in the head! Todd picks up Brandon again, and fires him off the ropes. Shane comes back... ABDOMINAL STRETCH BY LEE TODD!!! He's got Brandon locked in tight in this rather old-school move. Hang on! Brandon unhooks his foot... HIPTOSS BY SHANE BRANDON TO BREAK THE HOLD! Brandon runs over and Stomps Lee square in the head! Now, he drags the champ up to his feet and drapes him headfirst over the top rope... AND NOW HE'S CHOKING HIM ACROSS THAT TOP RING ROPE!

Jim: My favorite rapper is MC Escher!

Gallivan: That's good to know. Ron King is shouting on the outside to Julio, who is putting a count on Brandon. Hoss Titan is frantically waving to Shane to break the hold, but he's taking advantage of the count. After a count of 5 and a threat from Julio, Shane breaks the hold! He picks up Todd, who is struggling to breathe... Vicious European Uppercut! And another! A third European Uppercut sends Todd back into the corner! These two have been punishing each other thus far in this match. Shane grabs Todd's arm, and pulls him out of the corner... SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE BY SHANE BRANDON!

[Instead of capitalizing, Shane jumps onto the bottom rope and stares out at the fans. He points back at Todd, shouting "THAT'S YOUR CHAMPION?" Another frantic gesture from Hoss is ignored by Brandon.]

Gallivan: Gabriel Blade is watching this match intently. He's got no love-loss for either of these men. Rumors backstage are that Gabe is the unofficial #1 contender for this LWA Division Title, so I wouldn't be surprised to see him get the next LWA Title shot. Lee Todd is back to his feet, but Brandon sees him... SUPERKICK BY BRANDON! That dropped Lee to the mat, and now Brandon drags him back to his feet by his hair. He cinches Lee for a Suplex, and hoists him up... DELAYED BRAINBUSTER BY SHANE BRANDON!!!

Jim: Starboy. Seriously, we should stop screwing around, and go find out how hotdogs are made.

Gallivan: Instead of going for a cover, Brandon grabs Lee by the hair... AND STARTS RUBBING HIS FACE INTO THE CANVAS! He rolls Lee over... and starts firing Punches into the face and head of Lee Todd! Shane is just brutal thus far. Hold on, Hoss is shouting something to Shane, and I think he listened to that suggestion. He's back to his feet, and grabs Todd by the feet... Spinning Toehold by Shane Brandon! Brandon spins through this move several times... THEN APPLIES A FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK! Lee Todd is in serious trouble in there right now.

Jim: Mr. Tucker. I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bert-and-Ernie.

Gallivan: The look on Shane's face is one of enjoyment for the first time in this contest as he applies more and more pressure to Lee's legs. Julio Suave is asking Lee if he wants to give it up, but the champ doesn't appear ready to bail just yet.

Jim: (yelling) FREE HAT! FREE HAT! FREE HAT!

[A few fans behind him start up the chant with Jim, shouting "FREE HAT."]

Gallivan: What did I do to deserve this? For some unknown reason, Lee Todd is actually getting riled up by these "Free Hat" chants. He's pulled himself up on his elbows, and is trying to pull himself back towards the ropes. Brandon is doing all he can to put on the brakes, though, and Lee's having a hard time of it.

Jim: Who's Columbo? That man with the dirty mac who disovered America.

Gallivan: Shane Brandon reaches out and grabs onto the second rope behind him! He pulls himself off the canvas, but Julio is checking on Shane and doesn't see it! Brandon lets go of the ropes, and drops back to the mat. Lee tries to pull again... but Shane grabs the ropes again! This time he reaches up and grabs onto the top ropes, pulling himself even higher! Julio sees this! The LWA ref puts a quick count on Brandon, and calls for the break! Todd is in incredible pain here, with all of Brandon's weight bearing down on his leg, and Shane refuses to break the hold! Julio puts another quick count, and warns Brandon again! I think he's going to call for the bell! No! Brandon finally let go of the ropes, and released the figure-four! Hoss nearly fainted on the outside after that close call. But, the damage has been done, and Lee Todd is just holding that injured leg.

Jim: I don't want people thinking we're robosexuals. If anybody asks, you're my debugger.

Gallivan: Now, Brandon circles the downed LWA champion, and he's strategically stomping on Lee's injured leg! Each shot brings a cry of pain from Lee Todd, who knows something about pain. Brandon grabs at Lee's leg... but Lee boots him in the face with the other! Shane turns back, blood coming from his bottom lip... AND DRIVES A KNEE INTO THE GROIN OF LEE TODD! Julio warns Brandon again, but the The Threat doesn't seem too worried. He grabs Lee by the hair... and starts belting him in the face over and over again! Julio puts a count on Shane, then just has to step in and pull the challenger off Lee Todd!

[On the outside, Ron King starts shouting at Hoss Titan. Hoss takes up the challenge, and starts shouting back at him.]

Gallivan: Hold on! Here comes Lola!

[Lee's manager, Lola, breaks through the entrance curtain, dragging a sledgehammer behind her. She heads straight past Gabriel Blade, who sees her.]

Gallivan: Gabe runs forward... and grabs that sledgehammer from Lola! Lola stares at Gabe... and slaps him across the face!

[An "oooh" goes through the crowd, but Gabe just hoists the sledgehammer over his own shoulder. Lola curses at him, then heads backstage again.]

Gallivan: Looks like Gabe is here to make sure this match is as clean as we can hope for. Inside the ring, Brandon finishes another lecture from Julio, then goes right back on the attack. He picks up Lee, and rams his head into the turnbuckle! And again! And again! Shane grabs Lee, and Irish Whips him off the ropes. He drops down for what looks like a Backbreaker... BUT LEE PUTS ON THE BRAKES... EVENFLOW DDT BY LEE TODD!!! Both men are down in the ring and that was a desperation move on Lee's part, but it might have just saved the title.

Jim: Because Beefy will happily say, "That's what I think of your selection policy. Yes, I hit the odd copper. Yes, I've enjoyed the odd doobie, but will you piss off and leave me alone. I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."

Gallivan: Seriously, Jim. You need some help... quickly.

Jim: Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!

Gallivan: Fans, it looks like I'm all alone in this one. Julio is putting a very slow count on these two men in the ring. Hold on! Lee rolls over onto Shane, and here's a cover... 1... 2... Shane got a shoulder up!

[On the outside, Hoss cheers at the kickout, and jerks a thumb towards the ring and returns to shouting at Ron King.]

Gallivan: Fans, Ron is shouting the longest 4-letter words I've ever heard. Lee Todd is the first one up, going very easy on that leg. He drags Shane to his feet... REVERSE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP BY LEE TODD! Instead of going for the cover, Lee pulls Shane's shoulders off the mat... AND APPLIES THE ASIATIC SPIKE!!! This time it's Shane Brandon that's in trouble as Lee has him paralyzed with pain.

Jim: Save it for Queen Doppel-poppelous.

Gallivan: What?

Jim: Save it for Queen Doppel-poppelous.

Gallivan: On that note... Julio asks Shane Brandon if he quits, but I think Shane is going out! Julio raises his arm, and drops it! He raises it again, but this time it stays up! Lee releases the hold, and Shane rolls out of the ring. He's taking a bit of a breather. Hoss heads over towards his man, but Shane just waves him off. He's up, but Lee is heading outside as well! He's limping on that injured leg, but that's not stopping him from walking after Shane Brandon, who is wandering around the ring. Lee catches up to him, and grabs Brandon by the hair... OOH! SHANE MULE KICKS LEE BELOW THE BELT! Brandon turns around and picks up Lee for a Bodyslam... BUT DROPS HIM THROAT-FIRST ON THE STEEL GUARDRAIL! Julio Suave has bailed out of the ring to try and keep this one relatively clean. Good luck.

Jim: Huh? Hello? What time is it?

Gallivan: Jim, are you back?

Jim: Huh? Back from where?

Gallivan: You went to a very strange place ealier. I think Sin gave you a concussion with that chokeslam. Are you ok now?

Jim: Um... I think so.

Gallivan: Good.

Jim: Who's Queen Doppel-poppelous?

Gallivan: Your guess is as good as mine. Brandon picks up the gasping Lee, and drags him by the hair towards the timekeeper's table! He tosses Lee onto the table, and punches him in the head a few times for good measure.

Jim: So, what did I miss?

Gallivan: A very brutal contest so far. Shane Brandon looks very determined in there. But I'm not sure if he's determined to win, or just to hurt Lee Todd. Hold on! Brandon's climbing up onto the timekeeper's table! Julio is shouting at him, but Brandon doesn't seem to care! He drags Lee to his knees, and cinches him for a Piledriver!

Jim: Oooh man, I got here just in time!

Gallivan: Shane hoists up Lee... but he can't hold him up! Lee is struggling here, and for good reason. Hold on! Lee plants his feet... AND BACKDROPS SHANE BRANDON OFF THE SIDE OF THE TABLE!!! Dear God! Brandon landed on his back on that unforgiving concrete floor, and I think he's out!

Jim: Believe me. That floor has zero give to it.

Gallivan: These fans are actually cheering Lee on as he struggles to stay up on the timekeeper's table. Waitaminute fans! Lee looks down at Shane Brandon on the floor, and raises his arm... JUMPING ELBOWDROP ONTO THE FLOOR ON BRANDON!!!

[Several "Holy Shit" chants run through the crowd, competing with "Lee F'n' Todd" chants.]

Jim: Wow!

Gallivan: Both men are down outside the ring, and Julio has no idea what to do.

Jim: I'll tell him what to do. Just let them fight!

Gallivan: It's certainly strange to hear these fans cheering on Lee Todd.

Jim: I think Lee was coerced to the light side with the promise of hot and cold running chicks.

Gallivan: I thought women like the bad boys. You know, the guys who drive fast cars, and go bullriding, and skydiving, and all that stuff.

Jim: Johnny, I think you're old enough to hear this. Women just say that stuff because they are trying to kill off mankind.

Gallivan: What?

Jim: It's true. Soon, it'll just be a couple guys, living in cages, being "milked" for the vast lesbian families of the world. Think about it, Gallivan. No sports, no pornography, no fast cars, no action movies, no Hooters Restaurants...

Gallivan: No wrestling?

Jim: Who cares... No porno! It'll truly be a sad day for the better sex.

Gallivan: Ok, Jim. Before you alienate all of our female viewers--

Jim: We have female viewers?

Gallivan: I've been told so.

Jim: Ladies! I beg of you! I'm a breeder, I can be useful! And I love women! Just ask my ex-wives!

Gallivan: Can we get back to the match at hand?

Jim: Yeah, I was done anyway.

Gallivan: Lee Todd is very slowly getting up. He drags the apparently unconscious Shane Brandon back to the ring, and shoves him into the ring. Julio follows them in. Todd just rolls over onto Brandon, and barely has the energy to lift his leg off the mat... 1... 2... Kickout!

Jim: Oh dear. We're not going to have a time limit draw, are we?

Gallivan: Not in this match. No time limit. These guys just might go all night.

Jim: Well, they can bloody well do it without color commentary then.

Gallivan: Lee Todd is moving slowly in that ring, and for good reason. He's got a bad wheel, and if the marks on his neck are any indication, his throat must be giving him a lot of pain as well. Lee drags Shane to his feet, and whips him off the ropes... SPINEBUSTER BY LEE TODD! Todd just plants his hands on Brandon's shoulders, and here's the cover... 1... 2... NO! Shane got a shoulder up!

[Outside the ring, Ron and Hoss finally snap and charge at each other. The two big men start firing punches at each other, and rolling around on the floor. Security quickly steps in, and struggles to remove both men from ringside.]

Gallivan: Lee Todd is starting to look a little frustrated in there, just as Shane was earlier. He hooks up Shane Brandon... AND PILEDRIVES HIM IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!!!

Jim: That's it! Match over!

Gallivan: Lee is expending a lot of energy here, and is slow to capitalize. He drags himself onto Shane Brandon, and here's the cover... 1... 2... 3! NO! Shane Brandon got a shoulder up! Lee throws up his hands, and rolls onto his back. I don't know how much he's got left in there. Lee Todd lifts himself off the mat, and pulls Brandon back to his feet as well. He boots Shane in the guts, and turns him over for the Fuck U!... but Brandon breaks free, and reverses it into a Backslide! Julio is there for the count... 1... 2... Kickout! Shane nearly pulled it off there, out of nowhere. Lee is back up, and Shane just rolls into the corner. He tries to pull himself up to his feet by the ropes, but Lee just hits him with a Running Knee to the face!! He pulls Shane out, cinching a Front Facelock. Lee goes for a Suplex, but Shane hooks his leg, blocking it! Brandon hits Lee with a thumb in the eye... THEN REVERSES IT INTO THE PROMISE!!!

Jim: YES!!!

Gallivan: Out of nowhere, Shane pulled off that spinning reverse neckbreaker! He drapes an arm over Todd and this will do it... 1... 2... 3! We've got a new... wait! Julio's waving off the count! Lee's shoulder came up just before the 3 count!!! Unbelievable!

Jim: Bollocks! Julio's taking kickbacks!

Gallivan: Brandon rolls over onto his back, and just holds his head in his hands.

Jim: Pin him again! Kill him! Do something, for Chrissakes!

Gallivan: Brandon pulls himself up to his feet. Its a miracle that he can even move after all the punishment he's absorbed. Brandon takes a few steps off the ropes... and drops a Knee right into the throat of Lee Todd! NOW HE'S CHOKING LEE WITH HIS SHIN!

Jim: Just pin him!

Gallivan: Brandon releases the choke, but only after another warning from Julio. He starts pounding Lee Todd with lefts and rights like a madman! He's punching Lee in the face, the head, the ribs, the arms, everywhere! Wait one damn minute!

[The fans reaction tells Gabriel Blade that something's happening. He spins around on the entrance ramp in time to see Ken Holbrook walking out behind him. Gabe stands in front of Holbrook, blocking his path.]

Jim: That's your boss, idiot! Get out of the damn way!

Gallivan: Holbrook is shouting at Gabe and waving that silver cane of his. Gabe doesn't look to pleased, but he lets him pass anyway.

Jim: Of cours he does. He's the LWA President! He's got to be here to give Shane Brandon the title when he finally finishes off this Lee Todd loser.

Gallivan: Julio has given up trying to stop Brandon. Shane picks up Lee... AND HURLS HIM FACEFIRST INTO THE CORNER! That was rather unceremonious, to say the least! Brandon charges in... SLAMMING LEE WITH A LARIAT TO THE CHEST!

Jim: Lee had nowhere to go. He slammed back into that turnbuckle, and he's hurt bad.

Gallivan: Brandon pulls back his fist to punch at Lee again... BUT TODD JUST COLLAPSES! Lee Todd just fell facefirst to the canvas, and he's completely out.

Jim: It must be Hammertime!

Gallivan: Hang on! Shane Brandon is heading up to the top rope! Hold on! Ken Holbrook just grabbed a steel chair from ringside! Now he's shouting at the timekeeper, who clamors out of his seat, and climbs up onto the ring apron! What's going on?

[The timekeeper furiously shouts to get Julio's attention.]

Gallivan: Our timekeeper, Gerald Ebot, has Julio's attention... AND HOLBROOK JUST TOSSED THAT CHAIR TO SHANE BRANDON ON THE TOP ROPE!

Jim: Finally! Somebody's taking care of business!

Gallivan: Holbrook is using poor Gerald to distract Julio while Shane sets up that chair on the top rope. No! ATOMIC ARABIAN FACEBUSTER OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!

Jim: It's a bit late for a Christmas gift... but I'll take it!

Gallivan: Even though it was a Facebuster, Lee caught that chair across the back of his head, and he's been busted open. The fans are furious! Shane hides the chair behind him, and rolls over a now bloody Lee Todd for the cover. On the outside, Holbrook shouts to Julio, who turns back to the action!

Jim: Count!

Gallivan: Julio charges over, and drops down for the count... 1... 2... NO! LEE TODD KICKED OUT!!!

Jim: No he didn't! That had to be a mass hypnotic suggestion! Nobody kicks out after that!

Gallivan: Well, Lee Todd just did! In the ring, Shane Brandon has just slumped back into the corner, and he's staring at Lee with a dazed look in his eye.

Jim: He's no superman! You're the Threat! Kill him!

Gallivan: Brandon slowly stands up, and reaches down for that steel chair! Julio sees it, and runs over, but Brandon shoves him away! Dear God! Brandon is ramming the edge of that steel chair into the legs of Lee Todd... OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! What the hell is he thinking?

Jim: He's thinking, "Fuck you, Lee Todd."

Gallivan: Julio Suave has called for the bell, and this match is over!

Jim: But that's not stopping the Threat!

Gallivan: Even Ken Holbrook has a shocked look on his face watching Brandon brutally assault Lee Todd! I'm not Lee Todd's biggest fan, but this is unhuman! Julio Suave throws his body in between Brandon and Todd... AND BRANDON CRACKS HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR!!! Brandon takes a second to kick Julio's body out of the way... and goes back to slamming that chair down on Todd! OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! Todd is unable to even defend himself, and Brandon is just trying to cripple him in there!

[Ken Holbrook grabs a microphone from ringside and climbs into the ring.]

Holbrook: JULIO! YOU'RE FIRED!!! Now, somebody find me a ref! This match isn't over!

Jim: Hold on. Here comes everybody's least favorite hero. Gabriel Blade.

Gallivan: Gabe has seen enough! He slides into the ring, and Holbrook raises his silver cane to attack him... BUT GABE SPEARS HIM TO THE MAT!!! The fans are going nuts! Holbrook rolls up in a ball, holding his ribs. Gabe now turns his attentions to Brandon. Shane takes one more cheapshot on Lee Todd with the chair... then bails out of the ring! Shane Brandon jumps over the barricade, and he's heading off through the crowd!

Jim: You know something? I really hate that Gabe kid. He ruins everything.

Gallivan: I'll tell you something. The fact that Gabe would come to--of all people--Lee Todd's aid really says something about him.

Jim: Yeah, it says he's a boob.

Gallivan: The UWS medical team is checking on Lee Todd, and now Michael Burke has charged down to the ring as well. Burke heads into the crowd, but I think Shane Brandon is long gone.

Jim: So, is the match still on?

Gallivan: I don't think so. Here's the official decision.

Jim: That is a fuckin' travesty. This has to be the darkest day in the history of the UWS.

Gallivan: Michael Burke is back at ringside, and he actually hands the LWA Division Title to Lee Todd, who is still on his back in the ring. I can't imagine how much pain Lee Todd is in right now.

Jim: Whatever it's like now... it'll be 10 times worse in the morning.

[Suddenly, the lights flicker out, and as the sound of wind fills the arena, a low blue light slowly lights the crowd. After a moment, a voice can be heard echoing through the PA.]

Gallivan: What on earth?

[The blue lights slowly grow a little brighter moment by moment.]

[At the end of the last line, the lights vanish and the arena is engulfed in darkness and silence..]

[As the scream is heard through the PA, 4 blue spotlights shine on the entrance, and "Superstar" by Saliva begins to blast out of the speakers. The song, however, cuts short as Kurt Tremere steps out through the entrance curtain. His head has been bandaged, and he has a few burns on his face and neck.]

Gallivan: Now what is he doing here? I thought he was going to see a movie.

Jim: Screw the movie, Gallivan. This man lost his OWF Division Title tonight. He could be up for anything.

[Kurt stands at the edge of the entrance curtain, the UWS Unified World Title around his waist. He beams a look of disdain at the doggrel in the ring, then brings up the microphone to speak.]

Tremere: Look at all of you. Fighting over the scraps. Fucking pathetic.

[Gabriel Blade moves to leave the ring, but Michael Burke holds him back.]

Tremere: You idiots just don't get it do you? Archangel didn't get it, Lee Todd didn't get it, Eric Manson didn't get it.

[He pulls the UWS Title off his waist, and holds it into the air with one hand.]

Tremere: This is the only title that matters. But none of you stand a chance of winning it, because I'm Kurt Tremere... and I'm fucking untouchable!

[With that, Kurt just sneers in the direction of the ring. Gabe slides out to the floor, followed by Michael Burke, but a stream of security pours out from behind Tremere and makes a beeline for the ring.]

Gallivan: And on that bombshell fans, we are out of time! Be sure to tune in next time for more action, UWS-style! Good night!

[The credits roll as a struggle takes place outside the ring between security and Blade and Burke. Kurt Tremere just stands at the entrance ramp, holding the UWS title high in the air.]