[A commercial for Lee Todd's country and western concept album, "I Shaved my Scrote for This?" goes off the air and the screen goes black. It is replaced after a few seconds by a warning screen.]
"The following program contains scenes of violence, coarse language, sexual scenes, offensive images, racial stereotypes, mature delicacies, drug use, anarchistic behavior, at least one thinly veiled reference to homosexuality (see if you can spot it!), and large unruly men in tight spandex. Viewer discretion is strongly advised."
"No, we mean it. These guys are seriously messed up in the head. It's not their fault. They all come from broken homes... especially Eric."
[This is replaced by the Blackened logo, as a cover version of "Blackened" starts up, followed by clips from Fool's Gold III. The first clip shows the sensation that is "Threat" Shane Brandon™ facing "Better than Jesus" Gary Frat in a complete sham of a match. A quick montage shows Lee Todd in all of his disguises, including (but not limited to) Disco Steve and Professor Whoop Whoop. The next clip shows Hellfire bashing Lee with a chain in the head, then rolling him up in a Victory Roll off the second rope to secure the win and the tag team titles for himself and Scott Lenoir. A pair of clips follow that show Curtis Slamm making short work of both Dr. Karate and Uesugi. The next shot shows a robed figure, that was later revealed to be Eric Manson, jumping Michael Burke before piledriving him onto a steel dumpster in the parking lot. Several clips are then shown from the Gabriel Blade / Sin match, culminating in the finish, which shows Gabe nailing the Judgement Day before getting the pinfall. Following the match, clips are shown of the attack by Sin, Hellfire and Lenoir on Blade as Lee and Adam Todd, Curtis Slamm and Eric Manson get into the mix. Stu Price is shown attacking Lee's leg with the Hardcore Title before Seun gives him a feta cheese pitstop. Clips from the hardcore brawl are shown between Dake Ken, Tumbler, and "Bad News" Sean Lassiter. The clip is shown where Tumbler lassos Sean off the top of the ladder with a garden hose then retrieves the Hardcore Title. The last clips are of the incredible contest between Lee Todd and the Roman Gladiator, culminating in Gladiator's win over Lee, followed by Gladiator chokeslamming Ken Holbrook to the floor of the arena.]
[The show cuts to a backstage shot where rarely seen UWS Head of Production, Donnie Rose is standing in front of a plain door with a UWS logo on it.]
Rose: Good evening. Fans of the UWS, and wrestling in general, will know that the Underworld Wrestling Syndicate has never been afraid to try new things. Well, tonight we will be debuting the patented "UWS Heat-Meter." We have microphones throughout the arena and they all feed into the room behind me, where the audio is then fed into a computer. I don't want to get into the details, cause I don't really understand it myself, but the end result will be the graphical display that you viewers will see on your screens. Not only will you see the volume level of the fans, but our computers will gauge the actual reaction of the majority of the fans, and determine whether it's positive or negative; ie, cheers or boos. We hope you enjoy this addition to our programming. Remember, when every other fed in the business is doing it... you saw it here first. Enjoy the show.
[The show cuts to a backstage camera that's focused on one of the exit doors. The doors swing open, and the new UWS World Tag Team Champions, Hellfire and "Punisher" Scott Lenoir, step through.]
[Both men are wearing the tag straps, and look very confident as they head towards their lockeroom. The camera pans across as they pass, but stops as the champs do. There, standing at the end of the hall and moving towards them, are the Shinobis.]
[Lenoir and Hellfire share a private remark, which causes both of them to laugh. The Shinobis, decked out in their black jumpsuits and black masks, walk up to the champs and begin to look them over.]
Shinobi II: So here are the new champions, all ready to carry the UWS tag team division to glory.
Lenoir: Something like that.
Shinobi II: Well, my crispy-fried friends, you are looking at the most veteran team in this fed. The Shinobis have been together, in our original form, since you two were this high to a water chestnut.
[Shinobi II holds his hand at knee height to illustrate his point. Shinobi I just looks on silently, with his arms folded.]
Hellfire: And in all that time, what have you won, like 2 matches?
Shinobi II: I'll have you know, my little spring roll, that we have won hundreds of matches in far off countries, against competitors the likes of which you have never seen.
Lenoir: (under his breath) Probably because they don't exist.
Shinobi II: Enough soup! Time for the main course. We are here to lay down a challenge to you two chickenballs. We want to be the first team to get a shot at those belts. We will stir-fry your brains, amigos--
Hellfire: (looking confused) Amigos?
Shinobi II: --and deep-fry your souls in low-fat vegetable oil. And those belts will be ours!
[Hellfire and Lenoir confer for a few seconds, whispering to each other as the Shinobis wait on patiently.]
Lenoir: No.
Shinobi II: What?
Hellfire: Just what he said... no. You guys don't deserve a title shot. We'll give you a non-title shot at the next Blackened, if you're that keen on getting your asses handed to you. Take it or leave it.
[The Shinobis just stand there, looking rather stoic in their masks, before Shinobi II speaks again.]
Shinobi II: (raising his arm in the air) Waiter! The check!
[With that, the Shinobis walk off, surely sneering underneath their masks. The Champions of Sin just shake their heads, and walk off towards their accomodations.]
[The show cuts to the announcers table at ringside.]
Gallivan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Blackened! We don't have a lot of time tonight, due to circumstances out of our control, but that doesn't mean that tonight isn't going to be wild. I'm Johnny Gallivan, and with me, as always, it Jim "The Killer" Browski.
Jim: So, the Shinobis asking for the check. Does that mean they accept the match?
Gallivan: I would assume so. It looks like FHW no longer has the monopoly on insulting Asians anymore. Shinji would be proud.
Jim: Is that good?
Gallivan: No Jim, it's bad. Speaking of FHW, our UWS Unified Title is now in the hands of FHW's Heavyweight Champion, The Roman Gladiator. It was an incredible contest at Fool's Gold, but when the dust settled, Gladiator was our champion.
Jim: But... he doesn't work for the company. Now call me crazy, but that seems to be a very bad situation to be in. Hell, a few months ago, we were making fun of FHW for not having a World Champion anymore. Now we've got a World Champion, but he's an FHW wrestler!
Gallivan: Well, we will just have to see how this goes.
Jim: I'm sure Stu Price is responsible for this!
Gallivan: Fans, tonight we will have the debut of Icestorm, as he faces Dr. Karate in a martial arts competition.
[The camera pans away from the announce table to show the ring crew putting the final touches on a large circular cage in place of the ring ropes.]
Gallivan: In addition to that, we will have an 8-man elimination tag match that will certainly go down in UWS history. Sin and his Champions, including the recently returned Eric Manson, will face the Todd brothers, Gabriel Blade, and Curtis Slamm. And just to stick it to an already down Lee Todd, the LWA Division Title will be on the line.
Jim: The Champions of Sin already took the tag straps from the Todds, and the LWA Title is next.
Gallivan: Fans, we don't have a date, but we finally have a name for the next UWS pay-per-view. UWS Dark Carnival will take place, unbelievably enough, inside the confines of an abandoned circus. As many of you may know, Dark Carnival was originally a show for the now-defunct SWWF, and I'm not sure how we got permission to--
Jim: Alright, shut up. I want to give this Heat-Meter the Browski test. They didn't have it turned on when I made my entrance, probably cause they didn't want to break it. But since we get to see the meter on our monitors, I'm gonna see if this thing is worth the money we paid for it.
Gallivan: Go right ahead.
[Jim grabs a microphone from the table, stands up and raises his arms to the fans.]
Jim: (yelling) HELLO MONTREAL!!!
[Jim glances down at the monitor, then slams a fist against the side of it.]
Jim: This thing is broken!
Gallivan: Jim, we are in Calgary tonight, not Montreal.
Jim: Oops.
[Jim turns back to the fans and smiles.]
Jim: HELLO CALGARY!!!
Jim: That's more like it. THE CALGARY FLAMES ROCK!!!
Jim: TONIGHT, WE WILL BE HAVING A SPECIAL NON-TELEVISED MATCH AFTER WE GO OFF THE AIR JUST FOR YOU GUYS... BRET HART VERSUS LANCE STORM!!!
Gallivan: Jim, don't lie to the fans.
Jim: (sitting back down) Cheap heat was never easier, Gallivan. Ah, the wonders of technology.
[The show cuts backstage to a lockeroom where Lee Todd is sitting on a bench, his back slumped up against a locker.]
[One wrestling boot is on and the other is hanging from one of his hands. Lee looks to be asleep, but jolts upright as the door opens and Craig Lassiter walks in.]
Todd: Huh! I'm awake.
Lassiter: Lee, I've got some good news for you.
Todd: Well, I could certainly use some right about now. What is it?
Lassiter: I just got off the phone and apparently that letter from WWE legal about you not being able to use the Fuck U was just a fake. Holbrook made the whole thing up.
Todd: (shaking his head) That sick son of a bitch. I don't know why that guy hates me so much, but I'll be damned if I'm going to just sit here and take his abuse.
Lassiter: Just watch your back. Holbrook is one guy that sure holds a grudge. Listen, I've got stuff to take care of. Good luck in the elimination match tonight.
Todd: Thanks.
[Craig leaves and Lee just grimaces. He picks up his other wrestling boot, and hurls it against the locker, putting a sizeable dent in it. Standing up, Lee begins to pace around the room.]
Todd: Where the hell is my phone?
[The show cuts back to the ring for a few seconds, where the ring crew are just about finished the cage. Then, static fills the screen, and after going black for a few seconds, the scene changes to that of a bright, white room. The camera is shakey, but after a few abrupt passes, it becomes clear that the room is actually in a hospital.]
Voice: Is it working?
Zeke: We're on, dude.
[The camera comes back up, showing "Bad News" Sean Lassiter. Lassiter is wearing jeans and a white T-shirt that reads, "A Friend is Just an Enemy You Haven't Dicked Over Yet." His eyes are bloodshot and he is sporting several days worth of stubble.]
Bad News: (in a terse announcers voice) LIVE FROM INTENSIVE CARE... IT'S KEN HOLBROOK!!!
Zeke: Dude, are you ok?
Bad News: Never been better, Zeke. My eyes are finally open.
Zeke: Have you been drinking?
Bad News: Nope, but I have been awake for three and a half days.
[Sean jumps out of shot, and Zeke has to struggle to keep up with him. The camera pans across to a single hospital bed, surrounded by a white curtain. Sean pulls the curtain open, revealing Ken Holbrook, lying on the bed, in a full body cast.]
[Holbrook appears to be sleeping, or drugged. Sean turns back to the camera, with a disturbing grin on his face, and holds a finger up to his lips.]
Bad News: Shhhhhhh. (whispering) Our super-mega-boss is sleeping.
[Sean moves around to the far side of the bed and looks down at Holbrook.]
Bad News: Tisk, tisk, tisk. That big bad monkey-man, The Roman Gladiator did this to our beloved LWA President. (he raises his hands above his head) He picked him up.... (lowering them, making a crashing noise) AND BOOOM!!! Smashed him like an egg!
[At this, Holbrook wakes. He looks very disoriented, but quickly comes to his senses.]
Holbrook: What the hell is going on here? Zeke, get that camera off me!
[Holbrook glances down at the call button that is wedged into the cast covering his right wrist, but Sean Lassiter snatches it before he can activate it.]
Bad News: You don't need that, Uncle Paul. Me and Zekie are here now to take care of you.
Holbrook: Uncle Paul? Sean, have you lost your mind?
Bad News: (laughing) Man, if I had a nickel for every person that asked me that today. The guy at the movie theatre, that lady with the stroller... the old guy feeding the swans. (he grins at the camera) Remember the swans, Zeke?
Zeke: Dude, I wasn't there for the swans.
Bad News: Oh, you missed a time.
Holbrook: Forget about the swans!
Bad News: What swans?
[Holbrook just looks at him for a few seconds, before Sean starts laughing again, and lays a finger on the side of his nose.]
Bad News: Gotcha!
Holbrook: Listen, Sean. Just leave me to get some rest.
Bad News: But you're missing Blackened!
Holbrook: What? Is it that late? Zeke, turn on that TV!
[The camera slumps onto the foot of the bed, giving the viewers a close look at Ken Holbrook's left foot. The TV is switched on, and the audio can be heard in the background.]
Holbrook: (in the background) What? Is it that late? Zeke, turn on the TV!
[Zeke picks up the camera, and points it at the TV. On it, is a closeup of Ken Holbrook's left foot.]
Zeke: Dude, that's cool!
[The camera spins back, showing an infuriated Holbrook.]
Holbrook: Why the hell are we on TV!? This is dead air!
Zeke: (in the background) Dude, that's cool!
[The camera pans across to Sean Lassiter, who is curiously inspecting a bedpan.]
Holbrook: Dammit! Turn that TV off and get out of here!
Holbrook: (in the background) Why the hell are we on TV!? This is dead air!
Bad News: (looking up) How did you do that, boss-man? I didn't even see your lips move that time.
[Zeke backs away from the bed, and shuts off the TV. The camera gets a quick shot of Ken Holbrook's blood-red face, before the show cuts to static. A few seconds later, the show cuts to the announce table.]
Gallivan: Well fans, it looks as if we have control of the show again. The cage is setup, and we are ready for our first contest.
Jim: Bout friggin' time.
Gallivan: Take it away... Hang on a minute fans. I'm getting word that something is happening in the parking lot.
Jim: Aw, fer...
[The show cuts to an external camera that shows Babe's white limo. The windows are smashed out and half a dozen of Babe's henchmen are lying bloody and unconscious on the concrete. The camera whip-pans to the left to show Poindexter running towards the arena door. Footsteps can be heard behind him. Poindexter reaches the door, and hurls it open, only to come face-to-face with Curtis Slamm.]
Slamm: Going somewhere?
[Slamm hits Poindexter with a shoulderblock, lifting him up, and depositing him forcefully behind a dumpster as a second figure disappears behind it. Slamm walks around the side of the dumpster and the sounds of a beating start from behind the dumpster. The show quickly cuts back to the announce table.]
Jim: That was uncalled for brutality.
Gallivan: I'm never one to advocate brutality, but I'm not too surprised that Slamm is looking for a little payback against Babe and her cronies.
Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest will be held under standard MMA rules. Coming to the ring at this time, from the Kung-Fu Kollege of Kucamonga, and weighing in at 231 lbs... DR. KARATE!!!
["Kung-fu Fighting" begins to play as Dr. Karate steps through the entrance curtain. He makes his way to the ring, amidst the boos of the fans, flapping the tails of his labcoat behind him. Uesugi walks after him, dressed as a butler, complete with white gloves. Karate climbs into the ring, looks Aspen up and down, then snatches the microphone away from her.]
Gallivan: If you fans saw Fool's Gold, then you saw Dr. Karate and Uesugi make a bet on the Unified Title match. Karate won, so apparently Uesugi has to be his butler for an indetermined amount of time.
Jim: Hehehe, good deal for Karate.
Dr. Karate: Ladies and gentlemen, and I, Dr. Karate, use those terms in their loosest possible sense, I ask you that you kindly extinguish all smoking materials right now. I, Dr. Karate, have to protect my voice you know. We've got a new crop of candy-stripers at the hospital this week, and if there's one thing a candy-striper can't resist, it's karaoke!
Gallivan: What on earth?
[Suddenly, the Syni-tron lights up, showing a wavy psychodelic background with white lyrics in the foreground. Cheap synthisizer music starts playing throughout the arena as Dr. Karate does a couple of dance moves before starting to sing, in a truly awful voice.]
Dr. Karate: I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you.
Gallivan: Please, tell me this isn't happening.
Dr. Karate: I told the witch doctor, I was in love with you. And then the witch doctor, He told me what to do.
Jim: You've heard of the singing detective? Well, it's the singing doctor, Gallivan!
Dr. Karate: And he said... COME ON, SING ALONG!
Jim: Walla walla bing bang! Come on, Gallivan, sing along!
Gallivan: Fans, I hate to admit it, but people are actually singing along with Dr. Karate. Hang on, we've lost our lights here.
[The Call of Ktulu by Metallica begins to play with the lights dimmed... it is not complete darkness, as shadows and a small bit of light can be seen, but it is a bit hard to see. As the music picks up, there is a shattering sound, and Icestorm walks out from behind the curtain into a shower of small blue sparklers. The music hits another hard note, and there is an explosion that sends the small sparklers high into the air as a strobe light replaces the dim haze. He walks down the ramp seriously, stomping a bit as if pissed off and about to strangle someone, his head twisting to one side or the other as he glares at some of the fans hanging over the rail. He slowly mounts the stairs and walks across the apron to the adjacent turnbuckle, all the while looking back up the ramp towards the curtain. When he reaches the other corner, he pauses, then leaps over into the ring and lands in a crouch. He glares all around him, and then rises slowly to his feet again. From there he walks across the center of the ring, doing the same Bigfoot shuffle/stomp that he did walking down to the ring. When he gets in the corner, he grabs the ropes on each side of the turnbuckle and bows his head for a moment... then rears his head back and lets out a deep roar while he shakes the ropes. When he is out of breath, he stops, turns, and stands there slightly hunched as he glowers at his opponent.]
Jim: (laughing) It's Glacier, Gallivan!
Gallivan: Dr. Karate looks a little upset that his song was interrupted, but he disposes of the microphone and gets ready to fight. Icestorm is a newcomer in the UWS, but you've got to give credit to someone who signs on for a no-holds-barred cage match as his debut.
Jim: He's a peasant. They are in the Octangle for their shoot fight. It could be interesting.
Gallivan: Don't you mean the Octag.....
Jim: Shhh.....Are you trying to get us sued!!!!
Gallivan: Errr Jim I don't think anyone can lay claim to the name of a shape.
Jim: Come on ring the bell already, I only have to commentate during the intervals between the matches.
Gallivan: What!?! That's so unfair I'm going to talk to my agent about this.
Jim: Look Johnny I've got a lovely book here to read it's called Bloody Murder, I can't wait to see what it's all about.
["Come Out and Play" by The Offspring starts up, The Hardcore champion slowly strolls to ringside with two big bodyguards.]
Jim: Damn it now I'm never going to get to read my book do you know how long these intros take!
[Tumbler sits down at ringside and places on the headset as the two bodyguards stand guard.]
Tumbler: Good evening local commentators and how are you today?
Jim: Well actually I'm great I just bought this new book Bloody Murder that I just can't wait to read!
Tumbler: I guess anything is better than watching this loser match up, please look at these guys there wrestling in some stupid shaped cage that is going to be so easy to climb out of to get the win. I know the guys aren't in the best shape but this is ridiculous.
Gallivan: This is a shoot fight Tumbler, not a steel cage match, and there's the bell the two begin to circle each other and Icestorm lowers himself getting ready to strike as Dr. Karate starts throwing kicks everywhere besides near Icestorm.
Tumbler: That was impressive! This is why I came here to get a closer look at the fine athletes that the UWS have.
Jim: Chapter 1... The Beginning.
Gallivan: Icestorm now lunges at Dr. Karate's leg but gets a swift kick in the gut for his trouble it's not going to be that easy. Icestorm stands back up and stares coldly at Karate.
Tumbler: In my experience a kick can be performed in many different ways and inflict great amounts of pain, this was not one of those times.
Gallivan: Icestorm now locks up with Dr. Karate and Takes him down with a reverse legsweep he's mounted him and begins hammering him with lefts and rights, Dr. Karate is trying to cover up he grabs one of Storms arms and manages to roll him off so he can get a breather.
Tumbler: Please can you mention the thing everybody wants to hear about!
Gallivan: What would that be?
Tumbler: You ignoramus how about the fact that until UWS starts showing me an undefeated athlete the respect he deserve I will not be wrestling, well besides the eight-man tag, but I won't show of any of my amazing moves in that match either.
Gallivan: Ok. Now Dr. Karate hits a kick to the thigh of Icestorm trying to weaken him up, Icestorm lunges in and grabs him by the throat and takes him down with a nerve grip, a look of sheer pain is etched into the Doctors face.
Tumbler: Wow I've just been flipping through the bios for these two guys, this place is great unlike UKCW it actually gives you the info on these two ninkumpoops. Did you know Johnny that Icestorm was in UKCW but could not succeed until myself and Lee departed as wrestlers, a bit like Stu in FHW. Bwahahah!!!
Jim: Hey what's going on?!
Gallivan: Well Jim--
Jim: ... Jane said as she stared at Elizabeth in Freddie's arms.
Gallivan: Damn it can some one turn Jim's headset off.
Tumbler: I think Jim has added some real depth into this match up, it's a good job as these guys sure aren't all there doing is punching and kicking, PLEASE LEARN A WRESTLING MOVE!!!!
Gallivan: It's a SHOOT FIGHT!!!
Tumbler: That's no way to talk to your guest if your not careful I'll leave you to do this by yourself!
Gallivan: Please go!
Tumbler: You'd love that wouldn't you just because my superior commentating skills are making you look like Pete Roberts BWAHAHAHAH!!!!
Gallivan: How dare you say that!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Tumbler: SECURITY!!!!! SECURITY!!!!!
Gallivan: Ahem! I'm sorry don't know what came over me there, now please can we just call the match?
Tumbler: Dr. Karate now has been getting slapped around quite a bit by Storm, now Storm picks up Karate and hoists him on his shoulder, Wait! Karate drops behind him and pushes Icestorm face first in to that mesh, I think that has caused a small gash about Storms left eye.
Gallivan: Actually the one in the Karate robe is Dr. Karate, so it's Icestorm who has just took the advantage, I thought you knew Icestorm?
Tumbler: I'm a star! How am I supposed to remember all the less superior athletes that I've come across!
Jim: Exactly. I can't remember all the starlets I've come across either.
Tumbler: That's not what I mean! Just read your book!
Gallivan: Well Icestorm once again with a focused look hits a running knee in the back of Dr. Karate, he now picks him up and nails a devastating backbreaker. Icestorm seems so methodical in his dissecting of a body part.
Tumbler: He must of been a Science geek!
Gallivan: Karate is back on one knee he rubs the blood out of his eyes but he can't see Icestorm who comes roaring in from behind with a Spinwheel kick to the back of the head! Talk about whiplash!
Tumbler: Please I could deliver a better Spinwheel kick with a broken leg!
Jim: Hey this book is so cool! It's about a guy who goes round and bloodily murders people, I was expecting one of those crappy love stories!
Gallivan: Here comes Icestorm, No! Dr. Karate catches him with a backdrop sending him flying over the octagon wall.
Tumbler: What's going on that's not aloud right? I've seen UFC and I've never seen Caol Uno do anything like that.
Gallivan: Karate has now jumped on the side on the Octagon and nails Icestorm with a Flying side kick! The bell has sounded the referee is calling this one a no contest!
Tumbler: Sheesh! What a rip off!!! Anyways I've got some business to take care off John Boy.
[The ring crew immediately hits the ring and starts to disassemble the cage.]
Jim: Wow what a hell of a show we've been having so far, it makes me wanna do something Johnny!
Gallivan: But you weren't even watching the show!
Jim: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Gallivan: Wait a minute Tumbler has stepped onto the entrance ramp with those two bodyguards of his.
Tumbler: Now I know all you fans maybe thinking thank god! Tumbler didn't mean it when he said he was going on strike but unfortunately for you, the UWS is two damn cheap to show me the respect that I deserve so I'm not going to fight! Which bring me to my two security guys over here Baldy George and Goatee George.
Jim: Goatee George is the guy with the goatee.
Gallivan: Really? Thanks for that Jim.
Jim: I wish I could have a cool nickname like Stone Cold Jimmy or something!
Tumbler: So for any of you wise guy guys in the back who think there going to take the Hardcore title from me, come on down and try it!
Jim: Wait! There's Kurt Tremere!
Gallivan: Where! Where!
Jim: Hah! Made you look!
[Suddenly, Uesugi leaps up from the side of the entrance ramp, still dressed in his tuxedo, and charges at Tumbler from behind.]
Gallivan: Waitaminute! Uesugi just took Tumbler up on his offer. He hits Tumbler across the back of the neck with a Spinning Flat Kick! Uesugi reaches for the Hardcore Title, but Baldy George nails him with a clothesline!
Jim: Hey which one's Baldy George?
Gallivan: The bald one? Both Georges start to stomp and kick at Uesugi before dumping him off the side of the entrance ramp to the floor! They quickly help Tumbler to his feet, and now the three of them are leaving.
Jim: That guy sure is smart!
[The show cuts to a backstage camera near one of the entrances. Donnie Rose is standing, talking to two RCMP officers. He points off to his right, and the two Mounties head towards the camera.]
Jim: Hah! Looks like someone is here to find out who beat up Poindexter.
[The camera pans across, then follows the officers as they head down the hallway and stop in front of one of the dressing rooms. One of them shoves the door open, his hand on his flashlight, and the other follows him in. The camera moves behind them, and sneaks into the room where Hellfire and "Punisher" Scott Lenoir are standing in front of the officers.]
Mountie #1: Which one of you is Lenoir?
[Scott jerks a thumb towards his chest without answering.]
Mountie #2: Ok, turn around, tough guy.
[Lenoir smirks, and turns around, assuming a position he seems very familiar with. The officer begins to pat him down as Hellfire and the other officer look on. He turns out the pockets in Lenoir's cut-off jeans. Pushing him aside, the officer then picks up a large tote bag by Lenoir's feet.]
Mountie #2: This yours?
Lenoir: Yep.
[The officer unzips the bag and begins to rummage through the contents. The other officer pulls out his flashlight, training it on the inside of the bag to illuminate it.]
Mountie #2: He's clean.
[The first officer replaces his flashlight and steps up to Lenoir, looking him in the eyes.]
Mountie #1: While you're this side of the border, you better keep your nose clean, eh.
[The two RCMP officers, looking slightly frustrated, turn and head out of the lockeroom. After they leave, Hellfire looks a little relieved, but Lenoir just laughs.]
Hellfire: That was a close one.
Lenoir: Close nothing. I woulda been spending the night in the lockup if I didn't get tipped off about this raid.
Hellfire: Really? When?
Lenoir: Some guy mentioned it to me when I was taking a piss earlier.
Hellfire: Who was he?
Lenoir: Beats me. I wasn't about to eye up some guy standing at the next urinal. But I did notice a flower on his jacket. Weird one too... a black carnation I think.
Hellfire: That's pretty lucky. But who set the fuzz on ya?
Lenoir: Could have been anyone, but I saw that rat O'Reilly talking to Donnie Rose earlier. I wouldn't put it past Gabe's nursemaid to try and tip the tide in his favor.
[Hellfire picks another bag up off the floor and drops it onto the bench before unzipping it.]
Hellfire: Well, I'm just glad they didn't search my bag.
[Lenoir looks at the bag's contents and both men start to laugh.]
[The show cuts to another backstage camera where Gabriel Blade is carefully picking through a table covered in cold cuts and salad fixings. He grabs a plastic spork and a bottle of water before heading out of the room with his plate of food. A few seconds later, Eric Manson, dressed in his long robe, walks through the room, following him.]
[The show cuts back to the ring where the cage has been completely dismantled. Suddenly, "Babe" by Styx begins to play and Barbra Raymond steps through the entrance curtain, dressed in a brown power-suit. Her dress shirt appears to be missing a few buttons near the top, but she's well contained in a visible push-up bra. Babe saunters down to the ring.]
Jim: Aw, this Heat-Meter is busted. These Canuckians are loving Babe.
Gallivan: They may like the look of her, but her actions haven't exactly been endearing lately.
Jim: Gallivan, can't you talk like a human being for once?
Gallivan: Says that man who just said Canuckians.
[Babe tickles a ring attendant under the chin, then yanks a microphone from him. She climbs up the ring steps, then climbs through the ropes very slowly, to get the most hoots and hollers from the crowd. Once inside, she looks out at the fans.]
Babe: Ok, mop up the drool and shut your fat faces.
Babe: I'm here on business, and this has been a long time coming. Curtis Slamm, you could have been the next Unified Champion, but you didn't want to play the game. I thought Krav would be the one to teach you a lesson, but he failed me. Mark my words, I will bring someone into this fed who will shake its foundations, but until then, I'll just let daddy's money do the talking.
Jim: Babe's father was, of course, the original owner of the LWA.
Gallivan: Does anyone else see the irony in using LWA money to destroy the UWS?
Babe: Tonight, I officially announce a 1 Million Dollar bounty on Curtis Slamm's head!
Jim: Wow! That's serious money. Slamm is a dead man.
Babe: In addition to that, I'm going to be giving the Champions of Sin the first chance to collect the bounty at the upcoming Dark Carnival pay-per-view. Any 3 members of The "Acts of God" will be wrestling in a handicap match against Curtis Slamm and a partner of his choosing.
Jim: That's a pretty safe bet. Slamm doesn't have any friends.
Gallivan: I just want to know how on earth Babe is booking matches?
Jim: Gallivan, when you've got a body like that, you can do whatever you want. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind giving her a good booking.
Babe: If the Champions of Sin can deliver Slamm to me on a silver platter, then they get the money. It's just that simple.
[The house lights go out as the opening guitar riff from "Among The Living" begins. At the top of the rampway smoke fills the entrance into the arena. From out of the cloud, draped in a long robe with the hood coming over his face, a figure stands with his hands spread a few inches apart down at his waist. As the music continues, the figure starts to shuffle his feet. As the music hits a high point the house lights flash on and there stands Curtis Slamm, his head tilted to the sky and his hands raised up over his head, he releases an incredible yell. He undoes his robe and paces across the stage for a moment.]
[Slamm begins walking towards the ring, speaking into a microphone without stopping.]
Slamm: Honey, I'm going to do something your daddy should have done a long time ago. Somebody cut me a switch, because this spoilt brat is about to have her ass belted red.
Jim: Oh yeah! Bare Babe Butt!
Gallivan: I guess you like Slamm now.
Jim: Damn right!
[Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl" hits the airwaves as walls of flame begin to line each side of the entrance ramp and red lights flood the arena. Hellfire steps through the curtains, with his valet Carrie following close behind. With one swift movement, he jerks his head up in the air and spews flames from his mouth. Punisher steps out from behind the curtain behind him. Hellfire begins to walk to the ring as Lenoir stands at the top of the ramp and extends his arms out in the crucifix position. He then walks slowly to the ring.]
Gallivan: Curtis Slamm has stopped dead in the middle of the entrance ramp.
Jim: Dead is the optimum word there.
Gallivan: Lenoir's got a microphone as well.
Lenoir: You won't have to wait until Dark Carnival, Babe, because we aim to collect on that bounty tonight!
[Hellfire and Lenoir begin to advance on Curtis Slamm until a dishevelled and dazed Poindexter staggers through the entrance curtain. He starts waving his arms and shouting something at Babe.]
Gallivan: What's he trying to say?
Jim: I guess Lenoir took the last of the mics.
Slamm: Let me illuminate you. Oh, in case you haven't guessed, I've ALREADY found a tag team partner! Ladies and gentlemen... THE MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
["Refuse/Resist" by Apocalyptica begins to play and Craig Lassiter steps out through the entrance curtain. He is wearing full-length black wrestling tights with a grey singlet top. Over it, he is wearing a black leather jacket with the words, "Craig, you Magnificent Bastard" written across the back. His hands are well taped, and are already stained with blood.]
Gallivan: Lassiter runs forward, and clips Poindexter with an Elbow to the side of the head, knocking him to the floor! Now, he charges down the ramp... AND NAILS HELLFIRE AND LENOIR WITH A DOUBLE FALLING DROPKICK! Now Slamm charges back towards the champs, blasting Hellfire across the back of the head with a running Forearm shot! Lassiter is back up, but Lenoir shoots on him with a single-leg takedown, taking him down to the ramp and starts firing punches into the OWF President's head! Craig is firing back punches of his own! Slamm hooks up Hellfire... AND NAILS A SIDE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP ONTO THE RAMP!!!
Jim: We've lost control again, Gallivan. Just another Friday Night.
Gallivan: Slamm is up, and drops an Elbow onto Hellfire. He tries to dump him off the side of the ramp, but Hellfire is hanging on. Meanwhile, Craig Lassiter has pulled Lenoir tight to his chest to block the rain of punches he was receiving. Both men are rolling around on the ramp, each trying to get the upper hand. Fans, we are supposed to have a match here, but we've got an impromptu tag brawl. Babe is looking on from the ring, cheering on the Champions of Sin.
Jim: Speak of the devil.
[The lights go out and an eerie silence is heard as suddenly "Black All Over" blares throughout the pitch black arena and dark blue smoke fills the entrance ramp. The one named Sin stands at the end of the aisle and raises his gloved black hands over his head, saying a prayer to himself, then without a word, he dashes towards the fray.]
Gallivan: Sin comes down the ramp and reaches Slamm, who is still trying to knock Hellfire off the side. MAFIA KICK BY SIN!!! He caught Slamm in the side of the head, and now he picks up Slamm and hoists him into the air... GORILLA SLAMM OFF THE RAMP TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!!
Jim: Oh damn! That money is as good as Sin's.
Gallivan: Craig Lassiter has raked the eyes of Scott Lenoir with a taped fist, and breaks free. Lassiter crawls up behind Sin... AND BRINGS HIS ARM UP BETWEEN THE LEGS OF THE BIG MAN!!!
Gallivan: Craig straightens up as Sin buckles, and grabs the monster with a Side Headlock. He points to the floor! Dear God, he's going to Bulldog him off the ramp!
Jim: Bullshit.
Gallivan: Craig Lassiter runs forward... but Sin puts on the brakes! Sin stands up, lifting Craig up into an Atomic Drop position... AND JUST TOSSES HIM OFF THE RAMP TO THE FLOOR!!!
[Sin just looks down at Craig Lassiter, crumpled on the floor below.]
Jim: So much for Slamm and his friend. They are both down and out on either side of the ramp.
Gallivan: Hellfire drops off one side of the ramp and pulls Slamm up by the hair, dragging him towards the ring. It looks like they are going to finish it here and now. Lenoir and Sin make their way to the ring, ignoring Craig Lassiter on the other side. Waitaminute, what's this???
[The arena's plunged in to darkness as Sweet Child of Mine kicks in, dry ice billows out of the entrance way as the silhouette of one Lee F'n' Todd fills the entrance. Taking a swig of Brown Ale he takes a deep breath before walking through the curtain. Around his waist is the LWA Division Title. Stepping out behind him, microphone in hand, is Ron King.]
Jim: So, is there just a communal bucket of mics behind that curtain?
Ron King: Ladies and gentleman it is my humbleistic honour to bring to you the most grapletastic megastar you've ever had the privilege to see lace up a pair of boots. Holding more victories than any of his peers, draped with more gold than Mr. T, Hits harder than Rocky and faster than Speedy Gonzales the man of a million moves, lord of luchadores, the grandest of the gladiators, purest of the puresoes, more hardcore than your fat momma and the biggest face this worlds ever known. (pauses for breath) I give you your reigning UWS Tag Team and Division Champion, as well as the Unified World Heavyweight Champ... the Darkness from Darlington, 230lbs of lean mean wholesome goodness, the man that carries just 2.5% body fat... gods gift to wrestling... LEE F'N' TODD!
Ron King: Oh, and his brother.
Gallivan: It's Lee Todd and Tumbler! They charge down the ramp just as Hellfire rolls Curtis Slamm into the ring and rolls in after him. Tumbler charges at Lenoir, who ducks, sending Tumbler over the top rope into the ring with a Backdrop... BUT TUMBLER LANDED ON HIS FEET!
Gallivan: Lee charges Sin... AND CLOTHESLINES HIM, SPINNING HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE INTO THE RING!!!
Gallivan: As fast as that, Ron is leaving the ring area... and he's in a hurry.
Jim: He's probably got a very important date with a buffet.
Gallivan: In the ring, Hellfire has turned Slamm over, cinching a Boston Crab! Scott Lenoir spins around to face Tumbler on the other side of the ropes, but Lee hits him with a Kick in the kidneys! Tumbler grabs Lenoir by the head... AND SUPLEXES HIM INTO THE RING! Lee latches both hands onto the top rope, and vaults himself into the ring... LANDING ON SIN WITH A LEGDROP! Hold on, we've got another guy with a microphone at the entrance curtain.
Jim: I just hope we recycle those damn things.
Gallivan: It's O'Reilly.
O'Reilly: Ladies and Gentleman, may I present to you the main attraction of the night, he is the OWF division champion, he is the number one contender for the UWS Unified title and your next Unified Champion, the man who stands resolute and unwavering along the River Styx, the Guardian of the Gateways to Eternity, Protector of the Innocent and Judge of souls, man of Honor, Slayer of Giants, Warrior of Warriors, Hero of the UWS, Judgement Day is Coming, and all had best Prepare To Be Judged, because he is "the Sentinel" Gabriel Blade!
Gallivan: Gabe is heading towards the ring, and you can bet he's got his eyes on Sin. Waitaminute! It's Eric Manson! Manson charges out through the curtain right behind Gabe... AND BLASTS HIM ACROSS THE BACK WITH A HOCKEY STICK!
Jim: It broke clean in half, and that stopped Gabe's holier-than-thou walk.
Gallivan: Manson's probably been following Gabe around all night, just waiting for his chance. Fans, we expected as much, but "Lost Prophet" Eric Manson is the mystery partner. This match hasn't officially started yet, but it's already become a huge mess. Both Julio Suave and DI Rogers are now at ringside, and they are ready to ring the bell. Manson grabs Gabriel Blade... AND NAILS HIM WITH A SWINGING NECKBREAKER ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP! In the ring, Hellfire still has the Boston Crab on Slamm. Lee Todd is down on Sin and is pounding him in the head with closed fists. Tumbler and Lenoir are back up, and Tumbler Irish Whips Lenoir off the ropes.
Jim: Tumbler is still wearing the Hardcore Title. I guess he doesn't trust anybody around the ring enough to take it off.
Gallivan: Lenoir comes back, ducking under a clothesline attempt. Both men criss-cross the ring, and come back, but Lenoir hits the canvas, and Tumbler leaps over him. Tumbler comes off the far ropes as Lenoir bounces back to his feet... and Hiptosses Tumbler to the mat! Tumbler quickly gets back up, and Lenoir fires out a front kick to Tumbler's midsection... but the belt blocked it! Tumbler tags Lenoir with a wild shot to the ear, then cinches him for a Front Facelock. He hooks Lenoir up, trying to lift him for a suplex, but Lenoir brings a knee up into the face of Tumbler! Lenoir breaks free... TURNING THE HOLD INTO A TWIST OF FATE ON TUMBLER!!!
Jim: Hey, that was very nearly The Promise™. Lenoir had better be careful, or he might find himself infringing on someone else's trademark.
Gallivan: It looks as if Craig Lassiter is finally back to his feet, and is stumbling down towards our announce position. In the ring, Sin rakes Lee eyes, then hits him in the throat with an knuckle! He shoves Lee off, then gets back to his feet. Sin tries to stomp on Lee, but he rolls out of the way. Lee gets back to his feet, and rips off the LWA Title! He swings at Sin with the belt... but he ducks! Sin counters, Backdropping Lee to the mat! DI Rogers quickly steps in, kicking the belt out of the ring.
[Craig Lassiter, still holding his back, slumps into the empty seat next to Jim Browski and puts on a headset.]
Jim: What do you want?
Lassiter: Shut it, Browski, or I'll see to it that you get shipped down to the indies.
Gallivan: Lenoir grabs at Tumbler's Hardcore belt, trying to rip it off him, but the high-flyer won't let go. Lenoir gives up after a couple tugs, then starts stomping away on Tumbler! Lee is back up, and he and Sin start trading punches in the middle of the ring! On the entrance ramp, Eric Manson is choking Gabriel Blade with a busted section of that hockey stick!
Jim: I gotta commend you and Slamm on your success here tonight boss. You guys really put the fear of God into the Acts of God.
Lassiter: Your sarcasm is duly noted Jim. Just do your job. You can be sure that things will be different at Dark Carnival.
Jim: I doubt that. And I can come up with a million reasons why, too.
Gallivan: Julio Suave has bailed out of the ring, and is charging up the ramp towards Manson and the Sentinel. In the ring, Rogers is trying to clear out the ring. Lee and Sin are just blasting each other with closed fists, and neither of them will back down! Curtis Slamm has managed to reach the ropes, but since this match hasn't officially started, Hellfire is still maintaining that Boston Crab! Lenoir banks off the ropes... and tags Tumbler across the head with a Kneedrop! Now he goes back to grabbing for the Hardcore Title! Hang on! Lee just hit Sin with a right hand to the left eye that rocked the big man!
Gallivan: He hits him with another haymaker that sends Sin back a step! Lee takes a step back, and charges Sin... DRILLING HIM IN THE CHEST WITH A RUNNING KNEE! Sin staggers back to the ropes, and Lee hits him with a running Clothesline... SENDING HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!!!
Jim: But he landed on his feet!
Gallivan: DI Rogers reaches Lee, and sends him to the outside. On the ramp, Julio Suave is threatening Eric Manson with disqualification. He grabs that piece of wood out of Manson's hand, and the dark one grabs Gabriel Blade and starts dragging him up the ramp towards the ring. With Lee taking his position on the apron, Rogers heads over to Lenoir and pulls him off Tumbler. Rogers sends Lenoir to the apron, and Tumbler crawls towards the opposite corner. Looks like we've finally got a match!
Jim: Ha! During the mayhem, Hellfire pulled Slamm away from the ropes, and now he's sitting back on that Boston Crab! Looks like he's going to be the first man out.
Lassiter: Slamm's tougher than you think. Speaking of which, I've just had the pleasure of signing Curtis to an OWF contract. It's been long overdue, I can tell you.
Gallivan: Still on the entrance ramp, Manson is dragging Gabe towards the ring. Hang on! Gabe cinches Manson with a Waistlock from behind... GERMAN SUPLEX BY GABE ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP!
Gallivan: O'Reilly is shouting something to Gabe, but he just shakes his head and walks over to his position on the ring apron. Well, except for Manson, the principles are all in position. Curtis Slamm has been in that Boston Crab for ages, but he's still trying to break out of it.
Jim: Don't forget, he already took that nasty press slam to the floor. Slamm's back must be in pieces by now.
Gallivan: His partners are on the apron now, Tumbler still wearing that Hardcore Title, but Slamm seems a million miles away.
Jim: Correction, a million dollars away!
Gallivan: Are you saying that Slamm's partners won't want to tag him in?
Jim: That's exactly what I'm saying. A million bucks is a lot of money. I'm sure our good pal Craig is already thinking of just where to put his knife into Slamm's back, aren't you Craig?
Lassiter: Jim, I'm going to forget you said that. This bounty thing is a cheap attempt to get Slamm out of the picture.
Gallivan: It's far from cheap.
Lassiter: You know what I mean.
Gallivan: Hellfire is leaning back as Julio Suave checks on Curtis Slamm. DI Rogers, our second ref, is keeping an eye on the rest of the talent, who are all looking ready for another scrap. Gabriel Blade is reaching out towards Slamm for the tag, but he's still nowhere near his corner. Slamm reaches out one more time for the ropes... but his arm drops!
Gallivan: Hang on! Sin just stepped over the top rope into the ring! Rogers immediately heads over to him, blocking the big man, and warning him about a DQ. Waitaminute! Tumbler just stepped into the ring, and he's charging towards Hellfire! But Lenoir grabs the top rope, vaulting himself into Tumbler's path... AND HITS HIM WITH A SOMERSAULT DROPKICK AS TUMBLER COMES IN!!
Gallivan: Julio Suave heads over to Lenoir, who raises his arms in mock surrender and backs against the ropes. Julio turns his attention towards Tumbler, forcing him out of the ring. Hold on! Eric Manson is climbing up onto the top rope! Both refs are engaged, but Gabriel Blade isn't going to let this go on. He steps in just as Manson gets set... AND MANSON COMES DOWN ACROSS SLAMM'S HEAD WITH A GUILLOTINE LEGDROP!!!
Gallivan: Manson gets up, a grin on his face... BUT GABE SPEARS HIM TO THE MAT!!!
Jim: Start putting up flyers, because we've lost control again.
Gallivan: As Scott Lenoir and Tumbler take their positions again, Sin steps back over the top rope. Rogers runs over, blocking Gabe from following up against Manson. Meanwhile, Julio heads over to check on Curtis Slamm, and Slamm looks like he's out! Julio raises his arm... and it drops!
Gallivan: He raises it again... and it drops again. Rogers has sent Gabe back to the ring apron and now he's doing the same for Manson. Julio checks Slamm's arm... AND IT DROPS AGAIN! Curtis Slamm has been eliminated!
Jim: We're down to four-on-three now.
Gallivan: Hellfire releases the limp legs of Curtis Slamm, stomping him across the back of the head for good measure. Ring security drag Slamm out of the ring as Babe watches on, laughing.
[Standing next to her, Carrie looks Babe up and down, then rolls her eyes.]
Jim: Is he dead?
Gallivan: This isn't FHW. Slamm's just been knocked out, Jim. I would have thought you'd know the difference by now. Gabriel Blade tries to step through the ropes, but Lee Todd beats him to it! Lee charges across the ring... HITTING HELLFIRE WITH A LOU THESZ PRESS! He lands on Hellfire, and starts hammering him with lefts and rights!
Jim: Lee's trying to get some payback after that crushing defeat at the hands of the Roman Gladiator.
Lassiter: Truth be told, Gladiator is an incredible competitor. He was just better than Lee on that one night. Who's to say that the match might not have gone the other way on a different night.
Jim: Me, that's who.
Gallivan: Lee is close enough to the enemy corner that Sin fires a foot through the ropes, stomping Lee in the head! Rogers heads over to warn him. Hellfire uses the few seconds to roll out of the ring to the floor. Waitaminute, he's heading to the security railing, and he's grabbed a steel chair from ringside!
Jim: Heads are gonna roll.
Gallivan: Lee Todd is back up in the ring... BUT HE JUST GRABBED SIN BY THE HEAD! Lee and Sin start firing punches at each other over the ropes! Lenoir brings a knee up through the ropes, catching Lee in the ribs! Manson comes in from the other side, and hits Lee with an overhand right! Rogers charges into the corner to assert some authority. Hang on! Hellfire is heading away from the ring! With all eyes on the carnage inside, Hellfire runs down the entrance ramp where the ring crew are carrying Curtis Slamm away... AND CRACKS HIM ACROSS THE BACK WITH THAT STEEL CHAIR!
Gallivan: Hellfire takes a second to boot one of the members of the ring crew in the stomach, knocking him off the entrance ramp!
Jim: We should really put some padding down there.
Gallivan: Hellfire takes a swing at the second, but he backs away, fearing for his life. In the ring, Gabriel Blade has seen enough! He charges into the ring and hits Eric Manson with a Running Elbow to the head! Manson falls off the apron to the floor below!
Jim: Why is he helping Lee? That LWA Title is on the line! What a idjit.
Gallivan: Now Lee and Gabe are fighting off Lenoir and Sin, with both refs trying to stop them. Waitaminute! Hellfire is standing over Slamm on the entrance ramp... AND HE'S PULLED OUT A CAN OF LIGHTER FLUID!
Lassiter: Dammit, Slamm has been eliminated. Where is security!
[Craig Lassiter jumps up from the announce desk, deftly avoiding Jim Browski's foot as he shot it out.]
Jim: Damn, missed.
Gallivan: Hellfire is dousing that steel chair and Slamm is still out. In the ring, Rogers is trying to control the wrestlers. Julio is putting a count on Hellfire. Gabe and Lee and brawling with Lenoir and Sin while Tumbler just watches on from the safety of his corner. On the ramp, Hellfire raises the gas-soaked chair into the air!
Gallivan: Hang on! Craig Lassiter climbs onto the ramp and charges Hellfire from behind... HITTING HIM WITH A POLISH HAMMER!
Gallivan: Hellfire fell forward and the chair hit the ramp! He gets up to his hands and knees, but Craig boots Hellfire in the ribs! He locks on a Front Facelock, but Hellfire counters with an Inverted Atomic Drop! He takes a step back... AND SUPERKICKS CRAIG LASSITER OFF THE APRON!!! OHNO!! Lassiter landed gut-first across the security railing, and he's hurt bad!
Jim: Badly.
Gallivan: Whatever. As the principles continue to brawl in the ring, Hellfire picks up that chair and, producing a silver zippo from his boot, SETS IT ALIGHT!
[Hellfire raises the chair just as the Shinobis step through the entrance curtain in front of him. They stand at the curtain, just watching.]
Gallivan: What are the Shinobis doing here?
Jim: Scouting the champs?
Gallivan: Somehow, Curtis Slamm is getting back to his feet fans. The crowd is cheering him on, but Slamm is on dream street. He gets up to one knee as Hellfire moves around him... AND SMASHES HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH THE FLAMING CHAIR!!! This is inhuman!
Jim: He's not done!
[Hellfire raises the flaming chair again, then points down at Craig Lassiter, who is still slumped across the guardrail.]
Gallivan: As a stream of security pours out of the entrance curtain, pushing their way through the Shinobis, Hellfire leaps off the apron... BRINGING THAT FLAMING CHAIR DOWN ACROSS THE BACK OF CRAIG LASSITER!!!
Gallivan: In the ring, Julio is calling for the bell, and it looks like Hellfire has been counted out!
Gallivan: Security has mobbed Hellfire, and thankfully that chair has been extinguished from the blast across Craig Lassiter's back.
Jim: (laughing) If anybody can kill heat, it's Craig Lassiter.
Gallivan: Hellfire is being dragged out of here, and the teams are even once again. In the ring, DI Rogers finally has some semblance of control. Gabriel Blade has returned to the apron and Sin is coming in to replace Hellfire. The two collide in the middle of the ring in a hail of punches before Gabe grabs Sin and whips him into the corner with the Todds! Tumbler immediately begins choking Sin with the tag rope, but Lee just shakes his head pointing to his "I'm a Face Now" T-shirt. Sin fires off a Back Elbow that catches Tumbler in the face, breaking the choke. Gabriel Blade charges into the corner... HITTING SIN WITH AN AVALANCHE!!!
Gallivan: Gabe takes a step back, and Sin falls forward to the canvas! Hang on, Eric Manson moves around the ring and grabs a cup from one of the fans in the front row. He jumps up onto the ring apron, shouting at Gabriel Blade! DI Rogers tries to cut Gabe off, but he's too slow. Gabe comes at Manson... BUT HE TOSSES A CUP OF HOT COFFEE INTO HIS FACE!!!
Jim: One Mochachino for Dino!
Gallivan: Who is Dino?
Jim: I couldn't think of a type of coffee that rhymed with Gabe, so just shut up. Anyway, Dino is Gabe's new nickname.
Gallivan: Gabe staggers back, holding his face and it looks like Rogers is going to disqualify Eric Manson. Waitaminute! O'Reilly is shouting to Rogers from the floor, and I think he's trying to convince him otherwise.
Jim: What?
Gallivan: Julio Suave now has to step in to keep Eric Manson from climbing into the ring to continue his assault. Manson has been focused on just one thing so far tonight, and that's the Sentinel.
Jim: Manson never lost that belt that Gabe owns.
Gallivan: Even with two refs, this match is out of hand. Tumbler is climbing up onto the top rope! He stands on the top, and leaps off... NAILING SIN WITH A HUGELY ELEVATED FROGSPLASH!!!
[Tumbler rolls off Sin, clutching at the Hardcore Title still around his waist.]
Gallivan: Julio saw that, and he's calling for the bell!
Jim: What?!
Gallivan: He's disqualifying Tumbler for using the Hardcore Title as a weapon!
Jim: Ah pooh.
Gallivan: Gabe is still staggering around, half-blind... and Lee slaps him on the shoulder, tagging himself in! Meanwhile, Tumbler doesn't seem to distraught about being DQed. He bails out of the ring, still wearing his belt, and heads off through the crowd. DI Rogers helps Gabe to his corner where O'Reilly is there with a towel. Lee immediately grabs the legs of Sin... AND TURNS HIM OVER INTO A TEXAS CLOVERLEAF!
Jim: God knows how much damage Tumbler did with that belt to Sin's ribs. This is just what Sin didn't need.
Gallivan: Rogers has returned to the middle of the ring as Julio checks on Sin. Lenoir and Manson are watching from the far corner like jackals. Lee shifts his weight back, applying even more pressure to Sin... AND HE'S TAPPING!!!
Jim: No way!
Gallivan: The big man couldn't take it, and Julio calls for the bell again!
Gallivan: We are down to the Prophet and the Punisher against the Sentinel and... Lee Todd. Eric Manson and Scott Lenoir have a few words on the apron as Lee deposits Sin out of the ring for security. Lee stands up and glances back and Gabriel Blade, whose face is red for more than one reason. Eric Manson steps through the ropes and Lee grins at him... then tags off to Gabe!
Gallivan: Gabe steps through the ropes, but Manson hits him as he does, hitting Gabe with a running Shoulderblock! He whips Gabe off the far ropes as Lee heads back to the apron. Gabe bounces off the ropes, and Manson catches him coming back... FOR A SWIFT POWERBOMB!
Gallivan: Manson backs into a nearby corner, and climbs onto the second rope... SPLASH FROM THE SECOND ROPE ONTO THE SENTINEL!
Jim: Now that's something.
Gallivan: Manson hooks the leg, and we've got our first pinfall attempt... 1... 2...Kickout! O'Reilly is shouting something to Gabe, but I'm not sure what it is.
Jim: He's got a microphone... use it!
Gallivan: I think they disable the ringside mics when the bell rings, Jim. Manson drags Gabe back to his feet, but Gabe hits him with a punch in the breadbasket as he does! And another!
Gallivan: Gabe cinches up Manson... AND SLAMS HIM TO THE CANVAS WITH A URANAGE SUPLEX!!!
[Gabe bolts to his feet and stares down at Manson with a look of rage on his face.]
Jim: Gabe's thinking about his partner, Mike Burke. Manson is in trouble now.
Gallivan: O'Reilly is still shouting at Gabe. Gabe pulls Eric Manson up off the mat... and slaps on a Front Facelock!
Jim: That's what he's saying! He's telling Gabe to target the neck!
Gallivan: Fans, it was an accidental neck injury at the hands of Michael Burke that we thought had ended Eric Manson's career. Surely Gabe wouldn't--
Jim: Fight fire with fire!
Gallivan: Gabe is cranking up on that Front Facelock!
Gallivan: Gabe brings a knee up into the sternum of Manson, then turns the facelock over... INTO A HANGMAN'S NECKBREAKER!
Jim: Oooh yeah!
Gallivan: Gabe hooks Manson's leg... 1... 2...Kickout! Now Gabe gets up to his knees and starts paintbrushing Manson across the head! He hops to his feet, and drags Manson back upright... BUT HE GETS A KNEE UP INTO THE GROIN OF GABE! Manson hits Gabe with an Elbow shot to the head, and a Forearm shot to the chest that knocks him up against the ropes. Manson charges at him... BOWLING BOTH OF THEM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!!!
Jim: Foley in the house!
Gallivan: DI Rogers immediately bails out after them. Despite that terrible looking spill, both men are back up, and trading punches on the outside! Lefts and rights are flying with neither man wanting to back down! If possible, Manson looks even angrier than previously. While Julio puts a count on both men, Rogers tries to step in between them. Manson breaks away from Gabe and shoves Rogers away from them, but catches a huge right hand that causes him to stagger back into the steel ringpost. Gabe comes in, hitting him again, but Manson is still fighting back! DI Rogers tries to step in again... BUT MANSON BELTS HIM IN THE HEAD! Rogers goes down and Manson shoots on Gabe, knocking him to the ground! He's firing lefts and rights, but Gabe is firing them back with equal vigor. These two are like a pair of pitbulls!
Gallivan: Hang on, Rogers is calling for the bell! He's disqualifying Eric Manson!
Jim: But that's not stopping them!
Gallivan: Manson and Gabe continue to scrap on the floor. Hang on, Scott Lenoir drops down, and he's actually trying to pull Manson off him.
Jim: Well, Gabe's still in this.
Gallivan: Lee Todd comes around the ring on the other side, and now he's helping to pull them apart. A swarm of ring security rushes in, pulling Eric Manson away... AND LENOIR NAILS LEE WITH A SNAP KICK TO THE HEAD! He grabs Lee and Irish Whips him towards the guardrail... BUT TODD REVERSES IT! Lenoir slams into the guardrail, but DI Rogers steps in front of Lee before he can follow it up. Gabriel Blade gets up and makes a lunge at Manson through the throng of security, but O'Reilly is shouting for him to get back in the ring.
Jim: Julio's still counting.
Gallivan: Gabe rolls into the ring, just beating the count as Rogers orders Lee Todd and Lenoir back to their positions.
Jim: We are down to just three guys now.
Gallivan: Gabe immediately heads for his corner and tags off to Lee Todd, who is glad to get in. Scott Lenoir slowly steps through the ropes, a little cagey.
Jim: And for good reason. Lenoir's in there against arguably the two best wrestlers in the fed. He wanted a chance to make a big splash, and this is it.
Gallivan: Lee meets up with Lenoir in the middle, and they lock up. Lenoir Armdrags Lee to the mat, but he's quick to get up. Lenoir fires off a Side Kick... but Lee catches it... DRAGONSCREW LEGWHIP BY LEE TODD! He stands up, not releasing the leg... AND APPLIES A SPINNING TOEHOLD! Lee spins once... twice... BUT LENOIR GRABS HIM FOR A SMALL PACKAGE... 1... 2... Kickout!
Jim: That was close!
Gallivan: Both men scramble back to their feet, and Lee hits Lenoir with a boot to the midsection... AND PLANTS HIM WITH A MICHINOKU DRIVER!!! Lee hooks the leg and Julio Suave drops down for the count... 1... 2... No! Lenoir got a shoulder up, and I think Lee thought he had it won there. Lee is back up and drags Lenoir back to his feet. He Irish Whips him towards a neutral corner... but Lenoir reverses it! Lee goes in headfirst, and bounces back towards Lenoir... WHO HITS HIM WITH A REVERSE X-FACTOR!!!
Gallivan: Lenoir hooks the leg and here's the cover... 1... 2... Kickout!
Jim: If Lenoir is gonna have a chance of winning this, he's going to have to finish off Lee quickly. Gabriel Blade is just waiting for him.
Gallivan: Lenoir gets back up and charges the corner... SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT ON LEE! Instead of going for the cover, Lenoir pulls Lee back to his feet. He leaps up... SENDING LEE FLYING WITH A STANDING HURRACANRANA! Lee won't stay down this time, and both men rush to stand... BUT LENOIR HITS LEE WITH ANOTHER HURRACANRANA!!! Again, Lee won't stay down but Lenoir catches him as he stands... BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX BY SCOTT LENOIR!!! Julio is right there and here's the count... 1... 2... NO! Gabriel Blade came in to make the save!
Jim: Idiot! Lenoir would have been the new champ, and then Gabe could have just beat Lenoir for the belt. What a dope!
Gallivan: I think O'Reilly agrees with you there, Jim. He's none too pleased on the outside.
Jim: And Lenoir is none to pleased on the inside.
Gallivan: Lenoir is up, and after sharing a few choice words with Gabriel Blade, he pulls Lee back to his feet. Lenoir cinches Lee up in a Piledriver position... BUT LEE BACKDROPS HIS WAY OUT OF IT!
Gallivan: Lenoir is back up, but Lee maneouvers around behind him... and Back Suplexes him to the mat! That was a sheer-drop suplex executed to perfection and that definitely took some of the sting out of Lenoir. Lee gets back up, and teases going for the figure-four... but stomps Lenoir in the guts instead!
Gallivan: Gabe is itching to get in that ring, and Lee knows it. Lee tags off to Gabe as he cinches up Lenoir in a Suplex position. Gabe takes a second to get raise up the crowd, then heads up to the top rope! Lee lifts Lenoir up into the air... SPINNING FRONT LAYOUT SUPLEX BY LEE TODD!!! As soon as Lenoir hits, Gabe leaps off the top... SHOOTING STAR PRESS BY THE SENTINEL!!!
Gallivan: Lee rolls under the bottom rope to the apron and Gabe spins Lenoir onto his back... AND APPLIES THE GATEWAY TO ETERNITY!!! Julio is right there and Gabe is just ramming those fingers into Lenoir's mouth! His shoulders are on the mat and Julio administers the count... 1... 2... 3! This match is over!
Gallivan: Gabe is all smiles as Lee comes back in and they share a high-five.
Jim: O'Reilly isn't so happy though.
[The cameras cut away from the celebrating winners to a closeup of the announce table.]
Gallivan: Fans, I've just been given the lineup for the next Blackened, and it's a doozy to be sure. The Shinobis will be facing the Champions of Sin in a non-title tag team match.
Jim: We knew that. Get to the good stuff.
Gallivan: Lee Todd wanted to get his hands on the Jester, but I don't think this is what he had in mind. He will be facing the newcomer known as Dark Jester.
Jim: Who?
Gallivan: Eric Manson and Gabriel Blade will both be glad to know that they are sanctioned to go one-on-one at Blackened, with the OWF Division Title on the line. Also, in a match that would look great on a marquee, Hellfire will be taking on Icestorm. Just what happens when fire meets ice? Find out at Blackened.
Jim: Ice melts.
Gallivan: I know, but--
Jim: No, it does. I've seen it. Case closed.
Gallivan: Dake Ken will try to take down the big monster when he faces Sin. And, in addition to all this, we will be having a special lights-out unsanctioned match between Scott Lenoir and Tumbler.
Jim: Let me get this straight. We are announcing an unsanctioned match.
Gallivan: Yes.
Jim: Are you even listening to yourself?
Gallivan: Don't miss it fans. We will be back to our full two hour timeslot for the next Blackened. Good night!
[As the closing credits roll, the show cuts back to the hospital. Once again, Ken Holbrook is sleeping and the camera is positioned at the foot of the bed. Then, Sean Lassiter, dressed in a clown's outfit, sneaks into shot, holding a bunch of multi-colored balloons. Looking at the camera, Sean holds his finger up to his mouth as he ties the helium-filled balloons around a cast on Ken's arm. Then, Sean picks up a steel bedpan and a rubber mallet, and starts hammering. The noise wakes up Holbrook, who becomes enraged almost immediately.]
Holbrook: What the... Son of a...
Bad News: CLANG-A-LANGA-LANG! WAKE UP, SUPER-BOSS-MAN!
Holbrook: Sean... what the hell are you doing?! Get these... are these balloons? God-dammit! Can't you let me rest?
Bad News: Rest is for the wicked... or something like that. A little birdy told me that you were feeling badly.
Holbrook: Of course I'm feeling badly! I've been beatened and battered and a pair of idiots keep bothering me!
Bad News: Really? Well, I'll take care of those rapscallions later. Right now, I've got a special treat for you. Zeke, adjust the bed!
[The camera is placed down on the foot of the bed as Zeke goes to work. He spins the bed around to face Lassiter, who is taking down a section of the curtain and lowering it in front of him in a makeshift stage curtain. Zeke hits a button on the side of the bed, and it begins to raise up so that Ken can see what's going on.]
Holbrook: AAAWRGH!!!
Zeke: (hitting the button) Is that good?
Holbrook: Zeke, I realize that you're not a medical person, but it's not a good idea to bend a man in a body cast at a 90 degree angle! NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!
[Zeke repositions the camera to that of Holbrook's view: Sean Lassiter's painted face peering up over a curtain.]
Bad News: You ready for this one?
Holbrook: (sobbing) For Chrissake, just leave me alone.
[Suddenly, Sean raises one hand up over the curtain, revealing it to be covered by a sock. The tan sock has had eyes drawn onto it and a big smiley mouth, complete with a curly mustache.]
Bad News: Tadaaa! I present to you... Señor Calcetíno!!!
Holbrook: Señor?...
Bad News: (grinning like a madman) He's Spanish. Say hello, Señor Calcetíno.
[Sean speaks for the sock puppet in a high-pitched Puerto Rican accent, his lips clearly moving.]
Señor Calcetíno: Hello, señor Holbrrrrrrrrrrrook. I am Señor Calcetíno. I eat tacos and burrrrrritos.
Holbrook: I'm not a religious man, but dear God, please take me now.
Bad News: So, Señor Calcetíno. S'alright?
Señor Calcetíno: Si, si. S'alright. S'alright?
Bad News: I feel great Señor Calcetíno. But our friend here is feeling pretty badly.
Señor Calcetíno: Oh, das too bad. Maybe I can cheer him up with one of my spicy latin love songs!
[As he says this, the puppet begins to bounce around in time to non-existant music.]
Holbrook: Sean, I swear if that sock starts to sing, I'll murder us all. ZEKE!
Zeke: Yeah?
Holbrook: Zeke, see that button by my right hand, the one just out of my reach?
Zeke: Yeah.
Holbrook: Press that button and I'll give you $2,000.
Zeke: What? Just for pushing a button?
Holbrook: Yes, now push it!
Zeke: Oh, wait a minute, dude. Is this like that Twilight Zone episode where the guy pushes the button, and someone he doesn't know dies? Then the dude gives him the money, then they take the button away. And the guy asks, "who's going to get the button?", and the other guy says, "someone you don't know." Is it that kind of thing?
Holbrook: (yelling) You heard me, hippy! Just push the damn button!
Zeke: Ok. (mumbling) Cause I don't want to die, not even for two grand.
[Zeke leans over and pushes the button. Nothing happens.]
Bad News: So, Señor Calcetíno, it looks like Señor Holbrook doesn't like your singing.
Señor Calcetíno: Oh, das hokay. I have a better idea.
Bad News: What's that?
Señor Calcetíno: I could give him taco-flavored kisses until his boo-boos feel better.
Holbrook: Sean, keep that smelly rag away from me.
Señor Calcetíno: Oh, why you no like me, Señor Holbrrrrrrrrook? I like you.
[Suddenly, a large beefy orderly walks into the room.]
Orderly: What the hell is going on here!
Holbrook: Matt! Get me the hell out of here! I want an ambulance ready to take me to another hospital... a private one... right now! Damn the expense, the LWA is paying for it anyway!
Orderly: Yes sir, Mr. Holbrook.
[The orderly charges into action. He brings up the protective guardrails on the side of Holbrook's hospital bed, shoves Zeke out of the way, and begins wheeling the bed out of the room. Sean just stays behind, carrying on a conversation with Señor Calcetíno. Zeke pads along after Holbrook and the orderly, filming all the way.]
Zeke: Dude, can you drop me off at the airport? It's on the way!
Holbrook: I don't care. Just get me out of here!
[The orderly wheels the bed down a pair of long corridors before pushing Holbrook out one of the large automatic double doors leading to the ambulance bay where an ambulance is waiting with the engine running.]
Holbrook: Now that's what I call service.
[The orderly hoists the bed up and into the back of the ambulance.]
Holbrook: Matt, I want you to go back in there and make sure Sean doesn't follow me. Oh, and destroy that damn sock while you're at it.
Orderly: You got it, boss.
[Zeke jumps into the ambulance just before the orderly slams the door shut. As the vehicle begins to move, Zeke starts looking at the chest of medication bottles.]
Holbrook: Stay out of there, you freak.
[The ambulance roars off, sirens blaring, and the rather chaotic driving is bouncing Ken Holbrook around.]
Holbrook: Hey, watch it! What hospital are we heading to anyway, driver?
[Zeke raises the camera up to the curtain separating the back from the driver, which pulls across revealing a grinning black man with wild hair.]
Ron King: I believe it's called "Her Lady of the Perpetual F'n' Pain."
Holbrook: What the?...
[Ron stomps on the gas and the ambulance roars off even faster with Ken Holbrook whimpering and cursing under this breath, unable to move.]
Zeke: Uh, Ron?
Ron King: Yes, Zeke?
Zeke: You can let me out anywhere around here.
Ron King: No problemo, Zeke.
[The show fades to black before a disclaimer appears on the screen.]
"The following videotape footage was taken after Blackened went off the air."
[The show cuts to shaky camcorder footage outside the arena just as Tumbler is exiting. He raises an arm towards the camera, and the view begins to jostle.]
Tumbler: Cab!
[The camera pulls back, revealing in interior of a taxicab. Tumbler yanks open one of the back doors and jumps inside.]
Tumbler: The Ramada.
Voice: (from the front of the cab) You got it.
[The cab begins to pull away and Tumbler jams his travelling bag down onto the floor of the back seat and slouches back. Only now does he look to his right, straight into the camera.]
Tumbler: Aw, come on guys. I'm off the clock, and I'm in no mood to cut a promo. I'll tell you what. You buy me breakfast in the morning and I'll tell you all about my undefeated streak and my plans for anybody who dares come looking for this.
[Tumbler glances down at the Hardcore Title, which is still around his waist, barely covered by his jacket. Suddenly, the cab lurches as it picks up speed and hits a large pothole. Rather than slowing down, the cabbie seems to be driving faster and faster.]
Tumbler: Hey! What's going on here?
[Tumbler looks over at the camera.]
Tumbler: Hang on, you're not one of the UWS regulars.
[Suddenly, the laughing face of Scott Lenoir looks back through the steel grate that separates the front and back seat. Lenoir floors it and turns left, and Tumbler is tossed into the cameraman. Lenoir hits a button, and both of the back doors lock. Tumbler reaches up, and starts tearing away at the steel grate, which starts to come detached in one corner.]
Tumbler: You sick bastard! I'll be damned if I'm gonna get kidnapped by the likes of you.
Lenoir: Kidnapped? Why the thought didn't enter my mind.
[The camera pulls up, looking through the front windshield where dirt, dust, and rocks are flying up onto the bonnet. The sound of the tires is that of rubber on dirt and gravel, no longer the smooth pad of asphalt.]
Tumbler: Where the hell...
[Instead of finishing his sentence, Tumbler starts tearing at the grate again, bending one corner down and trying to get an arm through to reach Lenoir. The view from the front of the car shows bushes being mowed down, and then the ground disappears beneath them.]
[The tape switches to an external camera, showing the cab cannoning towards a dirt embankment. Just before it reaches the edge, the cab runs over a small tree which sends one side flying up into the air. The vehicle leaves the edge, spinning on its axis. The camera follows the trajectory of the vehicle until it collides with the earth a good 30 feet below. There is a huge crashing noise and the cab is engulfed in dust as it hits. The camera pans up, showing Eric Manson and Sin watching on. The voice of Hellfire can be heard behind the camcorder.]
Hellfire: So, should we see if anybody's alive?
[In answer, Manson and Sin start to head down the sheer embankment, skidding and sliding on the dark orange sand and gravel. Hellfire follows them, trying to keep the camera trained on the cab in case something interesting crawls out. As they reach the bottom, the duststorm has settled, revealing the mangled taxicab.]
Hellfire: I told you we should have filled up the tank. What good is a car crash without a fireball?
[Manson walks up to the cab and looks through one of the shattered back windows.]
Manson: Ouch. That cameraman isn't going to be walking home on those legs, that's for sure.
[Just then, the driver's side door of the cab crashes off its one remaining hinge, and a bloody and filthy Scott Lenoir staggers out, spitting dust and blood. He looks up at the rest of them, still smiling, and raises the UWS Hardcore Title up in one hand.]
Lenoir: Got it.
[The Acts of Good casually walk away from the cab, leaving Tumbler and the unnamed cameraman inside the wreckage, in unknown conditions. A far off siren is heard before the tape cuts to static, and the show fades to black.]