[Iron Man 2003 -- COMING SOON!]
[A promo for an upcoming wet t-shirt pay-per-view goes off the air and the screen goes black. After the obligatory warning about stealing cable and going to hell, a crude version of Jingle Bells begins to play as the scene shows a helicopter shot of the Ottawa Metrodome. The jingling bells are cut short by pure chaos, as "Bounce" by System of a Down begins to roar.]
[The screen cuts to a video package of clips. Judas Dagon is shown trading punches with Gabriel Blade outside the ring. Scar is shown monkeyflipping a Shinobi into the waiting arms of Michael Burke, who nails a sitout powerbomb. Seun, the sexiest man over 700 lbs is shown eating a small bowl of rice. Lee Todd is shown hitting Edmund Paine II and Gabriel Blade with a double Fuck U off the second rope. Stu-E Price is shown tussling Brian Thorn's hair, while holding him in a side headlock. The horrible assault on Red Zachary at the hands of Leo Kirk and Eric Manson is shown, complete with gory footage of Zachary's bloody face. A quick shot of Edmund Paine packing fudge. Flashback is shown beating on Crusader with a police baton. Dave Snow is shown waving a donut at Marcus Ash from a fleeing ambulance, with Scot Lamont behind the wheel. The last shot shows a triple splitscreen image of Archangel, Lee F'n' Todd, and Kurt Tremere walking to the ring.]
[The show cuts inside the building, as the fans start to cheer. A huge pyrotechnical display goes off over the ring, prompting even more cheers.]
[The show now cuts to a backstage shot, where Brian Thorn is talking to Ken Holbrook. Ken is wearing his traditional purple and orange business suit further sickened with the addition of a red and white Santa Claus hat. His nose is still bandaged, but no longer has a large splint on it. He is pumping change into a vending machine.]
Holbrook: And get this... he just takes one look at the check... and faints!
[Ken starts laughing, and Thorn replies with a polite chuckle.]
Brian Thorn: That's a great story. Listen, Ken.
[Holbrook hits the button for a grape soda, waits for it to be released, then pops it open.]
Holbrook: I'm listening.
Brian Thorn: Scar and I... we are taking on Gabriel Blade and Michael Burke in the first round.
Holbrook: Yes, very tough bracket. You've definitely got your work cut out for you.
Brian Thorn: Yes. Well... it's not me you understand. I could take care of these two losers with my eyes closed. It's my partner, Scar. I'm still not sure if he has what it takes to hang with Brian Thorn, you know what I'm saying?
Holbrook: Sure, sure.
Brian Thorn: Not to mention the fact that Scar has teamed with Mike Burke before. He might be overcome by an attack of conscience in that ring, you know what I'm saying?
Holbrook: Why don't you tell me what you're saying.
Brian Thorn: I want Dagon to attack Burke and Blade before the match.
[Ken Holbrook holds up his silver Jester-headed cane and twirls it around as the thinks.]
Holbrook: Well, that could be a very unpopular move with the powers-that-be. Dagon's already on thin ice with Craig Lassiter.
Brian Thorn: I don't think I have to remind you that Dagon has to fight Gabe tonight. If the Sentinel was to get hurt before the match...
[Ken starts to laugh as Thorn beams a smile at him. Then, he raises his eyebrows as a thought occurs to him.]
Holbrook: Yes... yes, this might work. Ok, Mr. Thorn. You've got yourself a deal. I'll send the beast after Blade and Burke. And in return, maybe I'll need to ask a favor of you someday.
Brian Thorn: You know my skills, Ken.
Holbrook: Indeed I do. Indeed I do.
[As Thorn walks off, Ken Holbrook tips up his grape soda and drinks down half the can.]
[The show cuts to the ring area. As the crowd settles into their seats in the arena, a simple image of holly greenery and berries appears on the Syni-tron. Then, a female voice is heard throughout the arena.]
Voice: Holly, Ivy and other greenery such as Mistletoe were originally used in the pre-Christian times to help celebrate the Winter Solstice Festival and ward off evil spirits and celebrate new growth. When Christianity came into Western Europe, some people wanted to keep the greenery, to give it Christian meanings and to ban the use of it to decorate homes. The prickly leaves of holly represent the crown of thorns that Jesus wore when he was crucified. And the berries are the drops of blood that were shed by Jesus because of those thorns. So, it is fittingly appropriate that tonight is the night... of Gary Frat!
["Greet the Sacred Cow" by Primus echos over the loudspeakers as the monster George leads the legendary one himself through the entrance curtain. Gary Frat stops and smirks to the crowd and shows off his shirt that says, "Better than Jesus". George, complete in his loincloth and sledgehammer, looks strangely at the fans before returning to BTJ’s side.]
Gary Frat: Tonight is the night... of "Better Than Jesus" Gary Frat!!! My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, so I'm taking my birthday and Christmas presents early. And that present?... the UWS World Title!!! So it is written... so it shall be done, in Frat's name... amen!
[The camera pans across the crowd, then cuts to a shot of the announcers table. There, Johnny Gallivan, Jim Browski, and "Grumpy" Richard Edison are seated, already wearing their headsets. Jim Browski is wearing an obvious bootleg red t-shirt showing an 8-bit Shinji Zaibatsu in a dress doing something nasty to an 8-bit Lee Todd. The caption reads, "SUPER KURT AND LEE BROS."]
Gallivan: What's in a name? In Gary Frat's case... everything. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to UWS Hollycaust! The show hasn't even started, and already Ken Holbrook and Brian Thorn are up to no good. First off, I'd like to send wishes on behalf of the UWS announce team to Dutch McCoy, who is recouperating from the measels back in his home. Sorry you couldn't be here Dutch, but we'll try and hold the fort down without you. With me, as always is Jim "The Killer" Browski, and as a new addition to this table, "Grumpy" Richard Edison. Without Dutch, it's up to me to do play-by-play for tonight's stellar card, and it's up to you two guys to not kill each other.
Jim: Fine by me. I'm just glad you're sitting in between us, so I don't have to smell Grumpy.
Grumpy: Up your ass, Browski! And I'm gonna have to work overtime tonight to keep you guys honest. None of your OWF bashing tonight.
Jim: No? Why then, did Reaper put Archangel in the main event? The OWF needs two men to beat Lee Todd, and they still don't stand a chance.
Grumpy: Bullshit! Archangel and Tremere could beat Lee on any day of the week.
Gallivan: Guys, guys. Technically, Grumpy's job is to provide extra color for this broadcast.
Grumpy: And that extra color is blue, if you get my meaning.
Gallivan: Regardless of that, Archangel isn't going to want to team up with Tremere after Kurt stole his OWF Division title on the last Blackened. Tremere came out of nowhere to win that belt, which is why we have a triangle match instead of a singles match tonight. We should stress that the LWA and OWF Division titles are NOT on the line tonight, just the coveted UWS Unified World Heavyweight Championship.
Jim: Ok, enough of Lee's inevitable win. Let's talk about the tag tournament.
Gallivan: Fair enough. Fans, the LWA has always prided itself on its tag division. Names like Force, the Confederate Angels, Hoser and Pimp Daddy Pug, and to a lesser extent, the Shinobis, have ensured that the tag division is always competitive and action-packed.
Grumpy: Enough of that LWA crap! The OWF has Archangel and Crusader on the same team. Not to mention Flashback and Tremere... and Leo Kirk and Eric Manson!
Jim: I thought you said not to mention them.
Grumpy: What?
Jim: You just mentioned them.
Grumpy: Browski, don't make me come over there and turn you into a castrado.
Gallivan: Gentlemen, if we can get back to the subject at hand. In addition to an incredibly well balanced tag tournament, Gabriel Blade will finally get his chance to test his mettle against the monster Judas Dagon.
Jim: We saw Ken Holbrook and Dagon do a job on Gabe last show, and that was just in the ring. Now it's gonna be in a cage. Johnny, I think tonight will be Gabriel Blade's last wrestling match... period.
Grumpy: For once, I agree. Dagon is a monster, and can't be stopped.
Jim: Don't agree with me, you jerk!
Grumpy: I'll agree with you if I want, asshole!
Jim: Ok, then I change my mind! I think Gabe will kick Dagon's ass!
Grumpy: You can't just change your prediction like that!
Jim: I can... and I did. You got a problem with that, punk?
Gallivan: Guys... don't make me call security to separate you. Fans, for once we have some good news for you. Sean Lassiter, who suffered a broken neck at the hands of Dagon, has come out of surgery with flying colors. He still has a long way to go, but it looks like Sean's life, and indeed his wrestling career is safe. It's going to be a long road to recovery, but knowing Sean, it'll definitely be one he can handle. Johnny Lassiter is still with his son, so he won't be here tonight, but he'll surely be back for the next Blackened. Well fans, we came here to wrestle, so let's get started. Waitaminute! What's Gary Frat still doing out here?
[As Gary Frat's music starts up again, he just stands near the entrance curtain in a messianic pose. The boos of the fans finally convince Frat to leave. Before he can, however, the image on the Syni-tron cuts to static. Then, it is replaced by the words, I AM THE FUTURE.]
Jim: What's this all about?
Gallivan: Frat looks annoyed that someone has decide to infringe upon his senseless tirade here tonight. The guys in the truck seem to be having fun with Mr. Frat.
[Gary motions to George to check it out. George hoists his sledgehammer over his shoulder and heads through the entrance curtain to the back. The fans continue to jeer Frat, who pays them no heed.]
Jim: Click, click, click.
Gallivan: What's that?
Jim: That's the sound of people changing the channels. This is dead air, Gallivan.
[Suddenly, a kid steps through the entrance curtain holding George's sledgehammer. He is wearing an old black shirt with baggy pants. He has shaggy brown hair and two black and grey elbow pads on his heavily taped arms.]
Gallivan: That's Jamison!
Jim: Who?
Gallivan: Jamison, from XGWO! Gary Frat raises his arms in a peaceful motion... AND JAMISON JUST RAMS THE HEAD OF THAT SLEDGE INTO HIS CHEST!
Jim: Jamison? Judas is more like it. JUDAS!
[Frat drops to the ground, gasping for breath. The fans cheer immediately.]
Grumpy: Beating up Gary Frat. That's cheap heat if I ever heard it.
[With that, Jamison hoists the sledgehammer over his shoulder and heads back through the entrance curtain.]
Gallivan: Well, it looks like the UWS has a new competitor.
Jim: Good, cause wrestlers have been dropping like flies around here.
Gallivan: Well, while security removes "Better Than Jesus", we are finally ready for our first match.
Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a UWS Tag Team Tournament first round match, and is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 472 lbs... LEE F'N' TODD AND STU-E PRICE!!!
["Sweet Child O Mine" by Guns N Roses begins to play as Lee F'n' Todd and Stu-E Price step through the entrance curtain. Lee is wearing his LWA Division Title, and both men are taking their time getting to the ring.]
Aspen: And their opponents. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 489 lbs... FLASHBACK AND KURT TREMERE!!!
["Superstar" by Saliva starts up as the OWF Division champion Kurt Tremere and Flashback step through the entrance curtain. As if to prove a point, Tremere and Flashback walk to the ring even slower than Todd and Price had done.]
Gallivan: DI Rogers is controlling the action in that ring for this one, and here we go.
Gallivan: The competitors are in position. Stu Price and Flashback will start this one off. Stu was a victim of an attack by Flashback and Tremere, and of course Lee and Kurt will face off--along with Archangel--for the UWS Unified Title later tonight. This may just be a first round match, but there's a lot on the line.
Jim: You said it.
Gallivan: Flashy and Stu lockup, and Stu hits him with an Armdrag. Flashback is up again... and Stu hits him with a Standing Dropkick! Both men scramble to their feet... and Flashback runs into a Hiptoss by Stu-E! Stu heads off the far ropes just as Flashback gets to his feet... Kneelift by Price! He drops onto Flashback for a cover, but Flashy kicks him off before a count of one. They lock up again, and Stu hits Flashback with a Knee to the midsection... Gutwrench Suplex by Stu-E! He grabs Flashback by the foot... AND APPLIES A FIGURE-FOUR! Like all of our matches tonight, the insults have been flying around all week for this one.
Grumpy: Tell it like it is, Gallivan. The entire fed has been invaded by flamin' homos!
Gallivan: I apologize to our fans for the comments of Grumpy.
Jim: Yeah, apologize to the flaming homos, Johnny.
Gallivan: Jim! Kurt and Lee are staring at each other from the apron, itching to get in that ring. In the ring, Flashback is in a heap of pain. He's trying to drag himself and Stu back towards his own corner, but it's very slow going. Waitaminute! What's Tremere doing?
[Kurt grabs the top rope, and vaults himself over the top rope, landing on Stu with a nasty jumping Elbowdrop.]
Jim: That's how you break a figure-four! Tremere rocks!
Gallivan: Tremere hit Stu with that padded elbowpad, and now he stands up and grins down at Stu. Hang on! Lee climbs through the ropes and charges across the ring... HE SPEARS TREMERE AND BOTH OF THEM TUMBLE THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR!!! That got the illegal men out of the ring, and now both are brawling on the floor.
Grumpy: If they weren't enemies last show, then they are now.
Gallivan: Lee and Kurt are just pounding the hell out of each other on the outside, but Rogers is keeping an eye on the action in the ring. Stu is back up, but holding the back of his head. Flashback gets to his feet, and Irish Whips Stu into a corner! He charges in and leaps onto the second rope in front of Stu.. and starts firing off punches into the head of Stu Price! Stu grabs Flashback by the tights, and headbutts him in the guts, then lifts him off the ropes... AND NAILS HIM WITH AN INVERTED ATOMIC DROP! Flashback stands there in pain as Stu bounces backwards off the ropes and comes back... THESZ PRESS ON FLASHBACK! Now it's Stu who is hurling punches down on Flashback, who is trying to cover up. Stu grabs him by the arm... and applies a Figure-Four Armlock! He's got Flashback in trouble now, as Rogers checks for the submission. Outside the ring, Kurt and Lee have now brawled over to the entrance ramp and both men are up, but are still firing punches at each other!
Jim: Save it for the main event!
Gallivan: In the ring, Flashback looks like he might give it up... but he manages to get a hand on the bottom rope! Rogers calls for the break, and Stu-E complies. Stu's back up, and circling behind Flashback as he slowly gets to his feet. Flashy takes a swing at Stu, but he ducks! Stu fires off a kick to the guts on Flashback, then hooks him for what looks to be a suplex. He grabs Flashback by the leg... PRICE TAG BY STU-E PRICE!!! He dropped Flashback with that Fisherman Buster, and now Stu hooks the legs for the cover... 1... 2... 3! Rogers is calling for the bell, and this one is over as fast as that!
Jim: Lee is lucky he's got a man like Stu in his corner. While he was busy scrapping with Tremere, Stu won this one on his own.
Gallivan: Lee and Kurt have brawled all the way backstage, and I'm being told that Security has finally stepped in between them, but we got just a taste of the enmity they have for each other.
Grumpy: What?
Gallivan: Enmity.
Grumpy: You're a fag too, Gallivan.
Jim: Hehehe.
[The show cuts backstage, where "Sentinel" Gabriel Blade and "Demolition Man" Michael Burke are carrying their gear towards their dressing room. Both men look very anxious to get to work. Just as they walk up to the door with their names on it, Hoss Titan steps out from inside, wiping his forehead with a hankerchief.]
Hoss Titan: Well, howdy boys.
Gabriel Blade: What do you want? And what are you doing in our room?
Hoss Titan: Now, calm down. I'm just here to tell ya that there's been a mixup with the room assignments. Y'see, the ventilation in Shane Brandon's room just isn't up to scratch. He's been fighting off a bit of a throat tickle, and we wouldn't want it to get any worse. I'm sure you young strapping bucks wouldn't mind taking Brandon and Hoser's dressing room, would ya?
[Gabe stares at Hoss menacingly, but Burke steps in between them.]
Burke: Save it for the ring, Gabe. Besides, this guy isn't worth the effort.
Hoss Titan: Much 'preciated, boys. (pointing) You'll find your new dressing room down thataway, third on the left.
[They turn to leave as Hoss disappears inside the dressing room. The cameraman follows them down the hall until they reach a door with the words, "Brandon/Hoser" written on it. They head in, but Mike stops as a guy in coveralls wheeling what appears to be a keg of beer walks past them.]
Burke: Hey, that for Mike Burke? Guy: Sure is.
Burke: That's me.
[Mike signs the man's clipboard and lifts the keg from the dolly. Gabe just looks on, confused.]
Gabriel Blade: What's that for?
Burke: You'll see.
[The voice of the announcers can be heard over the feed.]
Jim: Waitaminute! If they are in there, that means Dagon's headed for Hoser and Brandon's room! Somebody tell Shane Brandon!
Gallivan: What about Hoser?
Jim: Screw Hoser.
[The show cuts to the other dressing room, where Shane Brandon is sitting on a folding chair, trying to relax. Hoss Titan is pacing around, trying to keep himself cool with a paper fan.]
Brandon Did you take care of them.
Hoss Titan: Yessireebob. They wasn't gonna take it first, but that young buck... Gabe I think it was, he tried to start some crap, but I just squared my jaw up'n against his, and he backed down mighty quick.
[Then, there is a hacking smoker's cough and Hoser steps into the room. His long, black hair is rather messy, and he looks like he's been up for three days. Hoser's wearing simple faded jeans and a tight, plain t-shirt. In one hand is a rather large can of Fosters, and in the other is 5 more on plastic rings. Brandon simply glares at the figure before him, as Hoser nonchalantly takes a swig of the beer.]
Brandon Hoser, right?
Hoser: In the flesh. And you would be?
Brandon Shane Brandon. Your tag partner.
Hoser: Oh, right, right. This tourney thing came outta nowhere huh?
Brandon (eyeing the grappler coldly) It was announced over a week ago.
Hoser: No shit? Anyway...
[Hoser finishes the beer, and tosses the empty to the floor. He pulls a fresh one off the ring and extends it with a crooked grin.]
Hoser: To being Tag Champs!
Brandon I don't drink before a fight.
Hoser: Oh... Good for you. It's nice to have a regimen. Me? I don't drink during a fight... Much.
[Popping the can open for himself, Hoser slaps Brandon roughly on the shoulder before slumping up against the wall.]
Brandon Don't you have to get ready?
Hoser: (glancing down at his disheveled appearance) I am ready.
Brandon Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to shave.
Hoser: Sure thing, Shawn.
Brandon It's Shane.
Hoser: Works for me.
[Shane grabs a small kit bag and heads into the small adjoining washroom. While Hoser guzzles his beer, Hoss just looks at him nervously.]
[The show cuts back to the announce table.]
Jim: They are the original odd couple! I could watch Hoser and Brandon's antics all night.
Gallivan: I thought you wanted to warn them about Dagon.
Jim: Oh yeah. I sure get distracted easily, don't I? It's almost as if we are taping these segments out of sequence. But this is a live show, and that's impossible.
Gallivan: Fans, I have to apologize for the delay before our next match. Unfortunately, Flashback is still down in the ring and our UWS medical crew are taking their time on him. He appears to have a neck injury, and we aren't sure as to the extent of it yet.
[The Syni-tron lights up, showing the end of the last match. There is a closeup of Stu Price hitting Flashback with the Fisherman Buster. It goes into slow motion, showing Flashback coming down solidly on his head. This cuts, showing Flashback on a stretcher in the ring with a neckbrace on. Kurt Tremere is standing by his side as they carefully remove him from the ring. With that, the Syni-tron goes black.]
[The Syni-tron lights up once again to display a closeup shot on a simple chain link fence. Then, the screeching whine of "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath begins to play as the video package begins to roll.]
[The camera cuts back to a room with several TV monitors and a large leather couch. An empty wheelchair is against the wall. Johnny Lassiter is sitting on the couch, with his huge bodyguard "D" standing beside him. Lassiter turns his head towards the camera.]
Lassiter: ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH!?! ITS TIME FOR THE IRON MAN!!!
Gallivan: Shane Brandon is now standing on our announce table, and he's pulling Uesugi up with him. OH NO!
Jim: He can't do this!
Gallivan: Brandon cinches Uesugi up... JUMPING PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE!!!
Jim: God-dammit!
[The table explodes at the impact, and Uesugi is covered in wires and scraps of wood. Brandon rolls out of the carnage relatively unscathed. The fans boo, as Brandon smiles and points at his unconscious opponent.]
Gallivan: "Sentinel" Gabriel Blade points to the turnbuckle, and I think he's going for the moonsault! He jumps up onto the ropes... but Shinobi I has climbed onto the ring apron!
Jim: Hah!
Gallivan: Gabe re-adjusts his balance... and HURRACANRANA'S SHINOBI I INTO THE RING!!!
Jim: Holy crap!
Gallivan: Without even looking back, Gabe charges the corner again... Springboard Moonsault on both of them!!!
Gallivan: Look at him! He's revved up, and Sentinel is just charging back and forth across the ring. Shinobi I and II are up... and Gabe nails both of them with a Running Forearm!!!
[Clips from a wild Battle Royal are shown.]
Gallivan: Now, Jack Loudon Clotheslines Scar from behind, and starts stomping on him! Marcus Ash still has his arms pinned... he reaches up and grabs Scot Lamont's hair... and uses the purchase to kick Nightwing square in the chest! He Snapmares Scot Lamont to the mat... and bails out through the middle rope!
Curtis Slamm: Smart move. Take a powder, Ash.
Gallivan: Outside the ring, Shane Brandon is tired of being beat on. He Low Blows Uesugi, and slides under the bottom rope, back into the ring. Firky has turned on Nightwing, and is now choking him in the corner... "Bad News" Leroy Brown is finally back on his feet, but Brandon catches him with a kick in the midsection... Double-arm DDT by Brandon! The Threat picks up Bad News... and deposits him over the top rope!!!
Gallivan: Brandon nails Uesugi with a Short-arm Clothesline, that stops his assault! Uesugi is holding that injured neck. Somehow, Scar is hanging onto the top rope, and Longshoreman and Loudon can't get him out... Waitaminute... Longshoreman just popped Jack Loudon in the face... and follows it up with a European Uppercut!
Slamm: Friends no more.
Gallivan: Officials have finally convinced Ash to get back in the ring, but Firky is there waiting for him. He drops onto Ash, and cinches a Front Facelock! On the other side, Sentinel grabs both Shinobi's... and rams their heads together! But, Dr. Karate steps in, and nails Gabe with a Round Kick in the face! Now, he steps in, and starts choking Gabe... Loudon is fighting back against Longshoreman, and throwing a few fists of his own! Both men are trading shots with reckless abandon... Loudon brings up his knee, and rams it into the injured ribs of the Longshoreman! Now, he shoves him up against the ropes, and he's trying to dump him out. Shane Brandon nails Uesugi with a Legdrop, right across the back of the neck!
Slamm: This kid's brutal. He kind of reminds me of someone.
Gallivan: Gabe reaches out, and grabs Dr. Karate by the waist... Inverted Atomic Drop by the Sentinel! That may buy him a few seconds to breathe... One of the Shinobi's charges Gabe for a clothesline, but he reverses it into a Sidewalk Slam!!! Loudon almost has the Longshoreman over the top, but he's hanging on! Meanwhile, Reaper has shoved Firky into a corner, and now he's peppering him with lefts and rights into the breadbasket! Ash grabs him for a front facelock... and Front Layout Suplexes him onto the top rope! Shane Brandon is right there when Firky stands up... and he Superkicks him to the floor!!!
Gallivan: Marcus Ash turns around to Shane Brandon... and drops him with a Heart Punch! Now, he stomps on that broken wrist of Brandon! Now, he slaps an Indian Deathlock on the Threat! On the other side of the ring, Loudon almost has the Longshoreman out of the ring... Waitaminute, Scar is up, and Dropkicks Jack Loudon in the back, sending both of them over the top!!!
Gallivan: Now, Scar and Gabe are trying to hoist Dr. Karate over the top... On the other side of the ring, Ash has wrapped that garden hose around Uesugi's neck... and he tosses him over the top rope!!!
Slamm: He's hanging him!
Gallivan: Officials are trying to get to Uesugi before he chokes, but Ash is holding onto the other end, and cackling like a madman! Waitaminute, Brandon is behind him... He dropkicks Ash, sending him over the top rope!!!
Slamm: Ash hit first, but Uesugi is also out of this one.
Gallivan: Scar is in incredible pain, and Brandon is just sitting on the top turnbuckle, catching his breath. In the center of the ring, young Gabriel Blade is still immobile. Scar is slowly getting to his feet, and this kid has to be in incredible pain. He climbs up onto the second rope, behind Brandon... grabs him by the hair... and drops him with an INVERTED DDT OFF THE TOP ROPE!!! Shane Brandon is completely out of it, but does Scar have the energy to capitalize? You can see the pain on his face, as he pulls the lifeless Brandon to his feet, and Fireman Carry's him over the top rope... and to the outside!!!
Gallivan: The fans are on their feet, as Scar collapses onto the canvas! Our ring crew is removing Brandon from ringside, as the Threat is still unconscious. Scar is catching his breath in the corner, staring at the downed Gabriel Blade.
Slamm: This has got to be Scar's biggest moment in his entire LWA career. Who would have thought that he'd be in there at the end of this grueling battle royal?
Gallivan: Indeed, who ever thought that Gabriel Blade would be in there either, after we witnessed that horrible accident during the Wheel of Chaos. These two new friends have worked together during a good portion of this contest, but now one of them has to win.
Slamm: Scar looks like he's trying to burn a whole in the Sentinel's head with that blank stare.
Gallivan: Somehow, fans... Gabriel Blade is getting up! He stands up, and returns the stare of Scar. The renegade young cruiserweight walks over to Gabriel Blade... and extends his hand!
Slamm: Oh, we've seen this before. Didn't "Bad News" Brown once do this to Bret Hart? Now, we'll see if Sentinel has learned anything in his relatively short wrestling career.
Gallivan: Gabe is hesitant... but shakes Scar's hand! The Sentinel can barely stand, and Scar looks completely out of it. Now, Scar raises the hand of Gabe, lets it go... and walks over to the ropes.
Slamm: Here it comes...
Gallivan: NO WAY!!! SCAR JUMPS OVER THE TOP ROPE, TO THE FLOOR!!!
Slamm: What? That's insane!
Gallivan: Gabe looks flattened, as Scar walks out of the ring, slapping the hands of these wild LWA fans!
[The fans begin to cheer, and the camera quickly cuts to ringside, where the Longshoreman is standing over the downed Dr. Karate.]
Gallivan: Longshoreman is pointing to that chair! Oh no! The Longshoreman's son just handed his dad a can of lighter fluid! These fans are yelling and shouting at the Longshoreman as he douses the chair in lighter fluid! He calls to the fans for something, and a dozen disposable lighters come flying through the air! LS catches one... AND SETS THE CHAIR ABLAZE!!!
Steve the Fan: Fire... cool.
Gallivan: In the ring, Loudon breaks out of the sleeper, with a Jawbreaker! He grabs Uesugi by the side... and drops him with a Backbreaker! But, these Charlotte fans are standing, as they watch Dr. Karate scrambling to his feet... AND HE CATCHES A FLAMING CHAIR IN THE FACE!!!
[Dr. Karate screams, and rolls around on the floor of the arena, as a quick thinking ring attendant douses him with a fire extinguisher.]
Gallivan: In the ring, Jack Loudon has just locked on the Lethal Silence!!! Julio takes one look at this modified STF, and calls for the bell!!!
Gallivan: I guess Loudon wants to be able to concentrate in this event. Afterall, he's only competing with himself out there. Silent Violence grabs the wheel, and commences spinning.
Lockheart: What... have... we... got... here... MONSTER MASH!!!
Jim: Ok, this one sounds interesting. Is it a drinking contest?
Gallivan: Nope. The rules are pretty simple. Survive for as long as possible. Julio gives the signal, but Loudon looks confused. And the monsters jump him! Jack Spade and "D" attack him from both flanks, firing fists! Unknown starts throwing shoulderblocks into Loudon's midsection, and Ken Grimm grabs him from behind!
Jim: Holy crap! Loudon is a dead man!
Gallivan: After a brief period of shock, Loudon is fighting back! He begins throwing elbows and knees, in any direction... and some of them are striking home! Grimm cinches him for a waistlock from behind, and lifts him off the mat! Loudon kicks Spade in the face, sending him a few steps back. Grimm shakes Loudon... then plants him with a German Suplex!
Jim: Why doesn't Julio call this off?
Gallivan: Because Loudon is still struggling! Beefeater, and "D" are now holding down Loudon's legs, and Grimm and Spade have got his arms. WAITAMINUTE! Mr. Toasty Bacon is headed up top!!!
Jim: No way! This guy has to weigh over 300 pounds!
Gallivan: There is nowhere for Loudon to go, but he continues to fight!
Jim: I bet he wishes he had Slater out here now.
Gallivan: Mr. Toasty Bacon leaps off the top rope... Top Rope Senton Bomb!!! Dear God, the ring shook under that impact!
Jim: Johnny. I'm pretty sure Loudon isn't struggling anymore. Now I know why this is called the Iron Man Memorial Tournament. It's because after tonight, all the LWA wrestlers will be dead!
Gallivan: Julio has called for the bell, and the LWA medical team is taking out Jack Loudon. But, on the bright side, he just racked up 6 points!
Gallivan: Gabe drags Johnny Reb to his feet, and Irish Whips him into turnbuckle... HARD! He charges in after him... Avalanche by Gabriel Blade!!! Blade steps back to the middle of the ring, and Reb staggers out of the corner... AND GABE SPEARS HIM TO THE MAT!!!
Babe: Unbelieveable!
Gallivan: Gabe hooks a giant leg, and Curtis Slamm makes the count... 1... 2... KICKOUT!!! On the apron, Shane Brandon is now reaching out for the tag. I guess he realizes what he's done, and is trying to fix it. Gabe looks frustrated, but keeps moving. He rolls Reb over on his stomach... AND APPLIES A CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!!!
Babe: He's targeted that injured shoulder of Reb, and the big man looks to be in incredible pain!
Gallivan: Curtis Slamm is asking Reb if he submits, but the big man is somehow holding on! Hang on, Shane Brandon is headed up to the top rope!!!
[Slamm looks up at Brandon, and just gives him the thumbs-up.]
Gallivan: The Threat is barely within range to break up this submission move, and apparently Curtis Slamm is going to let him do it! Shane jumps off the top rope... DOUBLE-AXHANDLE ACROSS THE BACK OF GABE'S HEAD!!!
Babe: That double-axhandle shattered the cast on Shane Brandon's supposedly "broken" hand, and Gabriel Blade isn't moving!
Gallivan: Brandon flops Gabe onto his back, and pulls Reb onto him. And now, he's heading back to the ring apron! Curtis Slamm just shrugs... and makes the count... 1... 2... 3!!!
Babe: This is a travesty!
[The last clips are from the Memorial Tournament portion of the show.]
Gallivan: Scar charges in after Brandon... and nails him with a Clothesline, ramming him back into the corner! Now, he's pointing towards the corner with the exposed cable, and it looks as if he's going to whip Brandon into that corner. He Irish Whips Brandon... but the Threat reversed it... but Scar reverses the reversal... BRANDON SLAMS INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!!
Jim: You can see the look of pain on his face, after running into that steel bolt, back-first.
Gallivan: Now, Scar charges at Brandon at top speed... Brandon staggers out of the corner... and catches Scar... STUNGUN BY BRANDON!!!
Jim: HOLY CRAP!
Gallivan: Jesus! Brandon caught Scar coming in with that Hotshot / Stungun move, and Scar came down onto that exposed cable... right across the forehead!
[As both men collapse to the mat, the camera gets a closeup of Scar. The reopened cut that was on his head has now been made wider, and much deeper. Dark, red blood is now pouring down his face.]
Gallivan: I don't think our cameras should get that close anymore. We have young people watching at home. Brandon pulled out that last-ditch move, and now Scar is out of it.
Jim: I've seen a lot of cuts in my day, and that one is one of the worst. Julio better keep an eye on this kid. He may have to stop it early.
Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is our Iron Man Finals! Already in the ring at this time... "Sentinel" Gabriel Blade!!!
Jim: Man, listen to that reaction from the fans!
Gallivan: I know I wanted to see Reb and Gabe in the finals, but this should be an amazing contest. And, looking down at the point totals, these two men are tied!
Jim: So, that means the winner of this match will be our Iron Man?
Gallivan: It sure does. Johnny Reb is our Iron Man Bronze Medalist, and these two men will receive Silver and Gold.
Lockheart: And his opponent. Coming to the ring at this time, accompanied by Hoss Titan. From Calgary, CA. Weighing in at 245 pounds. "The Threat" Shane Brandon!!!
[As Shane Brandon steps out through the entrance curtain, the Syni-tron fades back to the simple chainlink fence. This time, the fence has been splattered with a red liquid. As the sounds of Sabbath fade away, a logo appears on the screen.]
[The show then cuts to--of all place--a public toilet. Craig Lassiter is standing in front of a urinal relieving himself of nearly a full bottle of cheap sparkling wine.]
Lassiter: And I want the chilled champagne ready in the limo. Lee, Stu, and myself will be heading to the party as soon as that bell rings, and I want to avoid the traffic. Oh, and make sure Marcus Ash gets an invite. That should be good for a laugh.
Zeke: (heard from behind the camera) But the whole arena will be leaving after the main event.
Lassiter: Well, we'll put somebody out there after it. I know, we'll have Mitch and Leon take on the Shinobis directly after the UWS Title match.
Zeke: What? Nobody's gonna want to stay for that, dude. I don't even know if the Shinobis are here.
Lassiter: Oh, they're here, Zeke. They're always here. I think they hide in the ring kit between shows. Besides, by the time the fans realize what's going on, we'll be out of here with a limo full of gold, champagne, and silicone.
Zeke: Got it.
[There is a thud of the door slamming after itself. Edmund Paine II walks in and--despite a wall of empty ones--takes the urinal right next to Craig Lassiter.]
Paine: Why, hello Craigy.
Lassiter: What do you want, Paine?
Paine: Nothing. I just came in here to use the facilities.
Lassiter: Good, cause I'm in no mood for you. (looking down) Jesus, I'll tip the next bottle right down the toilet and save myself half an hour. This could take all night.
Paine: Oooh, I get cold shivers when I take a pee. Do you?
Lassiter: I don't know. I guess.
Paine: Listen, Craigy. At first I was a little upset that I didn't get to team up with my best bud Stu-E, but I've got to thank you for teaming me with Paco. We went for a bit of a workout the other day... and after getting all... worked up, we had to take a shower. That Paco... he's very a very big man, if you catch my drift.
Lassiter: (barely listening) Paco? Yeah, of course he's big. That's why we hired him.
Paine: Really? I didn't think you cared much about that sort of thing.
Lassiter: Are you kidding me? In this business, the bigger the better. Those 7 footers are hard to come across, but they sell tickets.
Paine: Seven footer? (giggling) Honestly, I don't think he's that big.
Lassiter: Well, that's what we tell the fans anyway. It's always good to have a few big'uns on the roster. It keeps things interesting.
Paine: Ooh, I'm having a hard time peeing now Craigy, you little devil.
[The last statement goes clear over Craig's head as he finishes up, and zips his pants. He moves over to wash his hands, when Hoss Titan crashes into the room.]
Hoss Titan: Craig, ya sumbitch! There you are! We're all supposed to be professionals here! I swear, if I find out this is some sorta sick payback, it'll be your ass!
Lassiter: (shaking off his wet hands) What the hell are you talking about?
Hoss Titan: Follow me!
[Craig wipes hands in his slacks and follows Hoss out of the door. Zeke heads out after them, with the camera in tow. They head down a hall to the main lockeroom area. There, they head into the room labelled, "Burke/Blade", where they can see Hoser collapsed on the floor, a small pool of blood forming near his head. Titan steps over the fallen body, gesturing wildly towards the washroom. It is here we view a crumbled Shane Brandon struggling to his feet before crashing back to floor.]
Hoss Titan: You're supposed to be creatin' a safe work environment for your employees. An' don't you dare go givin' me that "independent contractor" bull!
Lassiter: What the hell happened here?!
Hoss Titan: JESUS-ON-THA-CROSS! That big ol' Judas Dagon tore through here like a tornado! Jumped poor Shane from behind - He never stood a chance! All he's been talkin' 'bout is bein' a tag team champion! Woulda kicked in a nice lil' incentive clause in his contract too... an' look at 'em now! It's ruined! Although since he's already been on camera, I guess he'll jus' have to make due with his share of the PPV revenue. Me too, for that matter.
[Hoss tips his Stetson to the camera.]
Hoss Titan: Howdy fans! Ahem. Ohhhh! This is jus' awful! Oh lordie...
Lassiter: Settle down. Let's get some medical help down here!
Hoss Titan: Your medical staff? If they're anything like your security, we'll be takin' a pass. You can drag that Canadian drunkard out of here, but luckily, we have our own trained professionals... An' they prefer to work in private.
[With that, Hoss steps into the washroom with the downed Brandon, and slams the door.]
Lassiter: Bonnie!!!
[The show cuts back to the announce table.]
Gallivan: Well, it looks like Brandon and Hoser are out of this tournament, which is good news for their opponents. Gabriel Blade already has to work that Cage match against Dagon, so one less match may make a world of difference.
Jim: I'm just sorry for all those kids who plunked down their hard-earned snot-money to buy the PPV just so they could see Shane Brandon wrestle. Those kids... they are the real victims.
Gallivan: Snot-money?
Jim: Sure... um, little snot-nosed kids and their snot-money.
Gallivan: Jim, tell the truth. You messed up. Admit it. It happens to the best of us.
Jim: Hell no. I never make mistakes. That was exactly what I wanted to say.
Gallivan: Jim...
Jim: SNOT-MONEY! SNOT-MONEY! SNOT-MONEY!!!
[The show quickly cuts to a security camera in another dressing room. In an adjoining shower, Paco's voice can be heard over the water. He appears to be loudly humming to the tune of an old Santana song. There is a swish of clothing, and Brian Thorn appears on the edge of the shot. He pulls Paco's ripped jean shorts out of an open bag on the bench, and begins to pepper them with dust from a can labelled, "Insta-Rash." As Paco reaches the end of the tune, Thorn sneaks out of the room. The show cuts back to ringside, where Aspen Sandstrum is waiting in the ring.]
Gallivan: Insta-Rash? Just what non-devious purpose would a product like that serve?
Jim: You know, when you absolutely need a rash and just can't wait. That's when Insta-Rash comes in handy.
Gallivan: This show is getting weirder every day.
Jim: By the way... Snot-money!
Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a UWS Tag Team Tournament first round match, and is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 456 lbs... BRIAN THORN AND SCAR!!!
["Tear Away" by Drowning Pool begins to play and Brian Thorn and Scar step through the entrance curtain. Scar heads to the ring first, slapping the hands of the fans along the way. Thorn walks casually behind him, only pausing to leer at several of the more attractive female fans along the way.]
Aspen: And their opponents. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 611 lbs... EDMUND PAINE II AND PACO!!!
["What Comes Around" by Ill Nino begins to play as the giant Paco steps through the entrance curtain. Almost immediately, he begins casually scratching at his rear and groin area. Behind him, with a smile on his face, is Edmund Paine II.]
Gallivan: This one should be good. Paco is the latest UWS wrestler to sign an OWF contract, and it looks like most everyone in the fed has been nailed down to a division.
Grumpy: Paco knows what division has the most potential. The LWA is trapped in the past. OWF is the future of wrestling.
Jim: Shove it, dink. So, how come Thorn hasn't signed a contract yet?
Gallivan: Well, he already passed up an LWA Division Title shot. God knows what Thorn has in mind for his UWS career. The big man, Paco is going to start off in this one against Scar. They lock up, and Paco just shoves Scar into the corner... and starts choking him! He releases just as Julio Suave reaches the 5 count. After a quick dig at his crotch, Paco steps in, nailing Scar with a big Knee to the midsection. He grabs Scar... and Irish Whips him across the ring to the far turnbuckle!
Grumpy: Thorn is shouting directions at Scar from ringside, but I'm not sure if Scar is listening.
Gallivan: Scar steps out of the corner... but walks into a huge Backdrop by Paco! He must have lifted him 10 feet in the air! Now, Paco starts stomping on the downed Scar, but the plucky cruiserweight rolls under the bottom rope to the apron to avoid the attack. Paco takes a swing at him on the apron, but Scar ducks back out of range. Now, he leaps onto the middle of the top rope, balances for a second... AND HITS PACO WITH A SPINNING HEEL KICK OFF THE ROPES!! Paco went down, but is wisely reaching for his partner... but Scar gets to his corner first! He tags off to Thorn, who charges across the ring... hitting Paco with a running Senton Bomb! That kept Paco from making the tag, and now Thorn applies a Front Facelock and tries to push Paco back towards Thorn's corner. Paco's not going without a fight though! He stands up, lifting Thorn off the mat... AND HURLS HIM INTO A NEUTRAL CORNER! Paco charges in, hitting Thorn with a vicious Clothesline in the corner! Now, Paco takes a second to scratch his ass!
[On the apron, Edmund Paine nearly doubles over watching this, and starts to get flushed.]
Grumpy: Hooboy. Why don't we just put pink frilly curtains on the ring apron. This fed has gone to the queers!
Gallivan: Apologies again fans for the rather crude language by my broadcast colleague. In the ring, Paco pulls Thorn out of the corner, and Irish Whips him off the ropes. Thorn comes back, and ducks under a Clothesline attempt by Paco. Both men head off the far ropes, and Thorn tags Scar on the way past! They come together, and Paco goes for another Clothesline... but Thorn hooks a Crucifix on him! Hang on, Paco's not going down!
Grumpy: As opposed to everybody else this this fed fulla... (Grumpy's microphone goes dead)
Gallivan: Hang on! Scar is in the ring... AND NAILS PACO WITH A DROPKICK TO THE FACE! He falls back into the Crucifix, and here's the cover... 1... 2... NO! Paco managed to kick out, but he's lost his bearings in that ring. He stumbles to his feet, and starts towards his corner. In his corner, Paine is holding out his arms like some lost love.
Jim: That's sick.
Gallivan: I just call 'em like I see 'em. Scar charges at Paco, cutting him off from his corner! He catches the big man by the head and runs up the ropes... ACID DROP ON PACO!!! These fans love it! Paco is out on the canvas. Scar is up, but he's precariously close to Paco's corner. He turns around... AND EDMUND PAINE JUST SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE!
Jim: (in a lisping voice) Ooh, what a bitch.
Gallivan: Despite Thorn's howls to the contrary, Scar grabs at Paine over the ropes! They tie up, with Paine still on the ring apron. Paine breaks the tieup and grabs Scar by the hair... AND DROPS OFF THE APRON, GAROTTING SCAR ACROSS THE TOP ROPE! Now, both Scar and Paco are down in the ring, and Thorn is not impressed. He's shouting for the tag, but Scar is gasping for breath. Julio checks on him... but now Paine has rolled into the ring!
Jim: He's not the legal man!
Gallivan: Paine reaches Paco... AND HE'S GIVING HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH!
Grumpy: (his microphone coming back on) Oh, sweet Jesus. Do I have to watch this?
Gallivan: Julio turns back to see Paine in the ring... and puts a count on him. Hang on, Paco has shoved Paine away from him! He gets back to his feet, and now he's shouting at Edmund Paine!
Jim: Maybe Paine's got bad breath.
Gallivan: Hold on! While they are arguing, Scar crawls behind Paco... and hooks him for a Schoolboy Rollup! Here's the count... 1... 2... No! Paine just stomped Scar right in the head to break the pinfall attempt! Now, Julio Suave is forcing Paine out of the ring! On the other side, Scar and Paco get to their feet... and Scar hits him with a Crescent Kick to the head! Paco falls back into the corner where Thorn is... and Scar makes the tag to his partner! Despite their differences, Thorn and Scar seem to be working quite well in there. Thorn grabs Paco, and Irish Whips him off the ropes... but Paco reversed it! Thorn comes bouncing off the far ropes... CANADIAN BACKBREAKER BY PACO! He hooks Thorn's leg, and here's the cover... 1... 2... Kickout!
[Paco rolls over, and starts scratching his groin and ass once again, vigorously this time.]
Jim: Well, now Paine has got a rash.
Gallivan: Actually, Jim I think he's just... adjusting himself. Paine's more than a little flushed on that apron watching this match. Paco rolls across the ring, and manages to tag off to Edmund Paine! Paine leaps into the ring, and he's dancing around Thorn as he gets to his feet. Paine hits Thorn with a Punch in the face, but Thorn blocks a second one! Thorn snaps off a Kick to Paine's ribs... and another to the other side! He spins around, taking Paine off his feet with a spinning Dragon Legsweep! Now, Thorn leaps over Paine and bounces off the ropes... ASAI MOONSAULT ON EDMUND PAINE! Julio drops for the count, but Thorn is up before a 1 count. He lifts up Paine... AND POWERBOMBS HIM TO THE MAT! He takes a second to snarl at Paine before going off the ropes... ROLLING THUNDER BY THORN! Again, he doesn't go for the cover, but cartwheels across the ring and tags off to Scar!
Jim: Paine's in trouble in there.
Grumpy: He's also a--
Gallivan: Don't say it! Scar charges at Paine, and goes for the Acid Drop... but Paine shoves him off! Paine staggers back into the corner for a breather as Scar gets back to his feet. Scar charges in... and Monkeyflips Paine out of the corner! Now, he's headed up to the top rope! SCARSAULT BY SCAR!!! He hooks the leg after that high elevation moonsault, and this should do it... 1... 2... No! Paine managed to get a shoulder up! Scar drags him to his feet, and Chops Paine across the forehead! Now, Scar just boots him in the midsection, knocking Paine up against the ropes. Scar takes a swing at Paine, but he blocks it. He fires off a kick, but Paine catches his foot! Scar hops back, pulling Paine off the ropes... ENZUIGIRI KICK BY SCAR!!! Instead of going for the cover, Scar is up, and drags Paine to his feet. He slaps off another tag to Thorn, and Irish Whips Paine off the ropes. Paine comes back, and Scar Monkeyflips him into the air just as Thorn comes off the opposite ropes... THORN CONNECTS WITH A JUMPING SIDE KICK SQUARE INTO THE BACK OF EDMUND PAINE!!!
Jim: Holy shit! He damn near broke his back on that one!
Gallivan: Paine struggles to get to all fours, but Thorn is already up. He leaps onto Paine... MAJISTRAL CRADLE BY BRIAN THORN!!! He calls that the Perfect Pin, and Julio is there for the count... 1... 2... 3! On the apron, Scar is leaping up and down, and it looks like teamwork won this one.
Jim: Great double-team work by Thorn and Scar. Despite their obvious partnership, Paco and Paine just couldn't put it together for this one.
Gallivan: In the ring, Paco is in and he is furious. Edmund Paine is on his knees as he crawls over to Paco, and hugs him around the waist.
Grumpy: Do I need to get the hose?
Jim: Paine's face is dangerously close to Paco's itchy groin. The fans love it, but I'm not sure Paco does.
Gallivan: Paco shoves Paine away from him, and just bails out of the ring. A lover's spat? Or was Paine imagining affection where it didn't exist again.
Jim: Poor guy.
Grumpy: Poor guy? What the hell are you saying?
Jim: Oh yeah. Friggin' homos! String 'em up, I says!
[The show cuts backstage, where "The Sentinel" Gabriel Blade and "The Demolition Man" Michael Burke sit in their new dressing room lacing up their boots. In addition to the keg in the corner, there is now a 6 foot sub sandwich on a bench beside it.]
Gabriel Blade: Are you going to tell me what's going on here?
Burke: In a minute.
[There is a knock at the door, and Mike takes a quick look outside. He mumbles something to the knocker, then shuts the door.]
Gabriel Blade: Who is it?
Burke: Remember when we were talking earlier, and we were saying that we wouldn't be surprised if one of the teams tried to take us out before the tournament?
Gabriel Blade: Yeah, so?
Burke: Well, I was thinking, it might be a good idea for us to have a little security in case that happens. I thought about it some more, and I came up with the perfect men for the job...
[Burke swings the door open, ushering in 6 unseemly looking Hells Angels, recognizable to UWS fans as Hog, Bulldog, Bodie, Horse, and the other two Stu Price and Lee Todd made fools of earlier in the week. Burke shakes their hands as they walk in while Gabe looks on quizzically.]
Burke: Alright guys, remember the deal. I get you backstage passes and get you guys into the building, and in exchange you agree to serve as security for us for the rest of the night, and you agree not to lay a hand on Todd or Price until either they strike first, or they're out of the tournament. Deal?
Hog: Deal
Burke: Good man.
[Burke looks over at Gabe and gestures to the Angels as if asking Gabe what he thinks. Blade just smiles and shakes his head.]
Gabriel Blade: You're crazy, man, you're crazy.
[Mike points at a table laid out against one wall featuring the sub and keg.]
Burke: In the meantime, why don't you guys help yourselves to some refreshments.
[The camera cuts to the lovely Aspen Sandstrum, who is standing in the ring with microphone in hand.]
Jim: Great. We got Hell's Angels backstage... and they're giving them beer!
Aspen: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a UWS Tag Team Tournament first round match, and is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 555 lbs... "ILLEGALLY EXTREME" ERIC MANSON AND "DELINQUENT" LEO KIRK!!!
["Junkie" by Ozzy Osbourne begins to play as Leo Kirk and Eric Manson make their way to the ring, followed by Malice.]
Jim: You can tell a good team by how well their weights add up. 555 lbs is a nice number. These guys should go far.
Gallivan: Jim, that may very well be the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Jim: Ah, the night is still young, Gallivan boy.
Aspen: And their opponents. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 563 lbs... ARCHANGEL AND ARTHUR "CRUSADER" SAGE!!!
["Leave You Far Behind" by Lunatic Calm begins to play as Archangel and Crusader make their way to the ring with very little pomp. Both look very serious, and they don't even look at each other as they climb into the ring.]
Jim: Ooh, 563 lbs... ugly, ugly number. These guys don't have a chance.
Gallivan: Jim, might I remind you that Archangel was the OWF Division champion until last show, and Arthur Sage's accomplishments speak for themselves. I don't want to take anything away from Kirk and Manson, but they are definitely the underdogs in this one.
Jim: The numbers don't lie, Gallivan.
Grumpy: Hey!
Jim: What?
Grumpy: Nothing, I just wanted to say something.
Jim: I hate you, Grumpy.
Grumpy: Ditto, Browski.
Gallivan: DI Rogers is in the ring to officiate this one, and he calls for the bell. It looks like it'll be Crusader against Eric Manson to start it off.
Grumpy: That's "Extremely Illegal" Eric Manson.
Jim: No, it's "Illegally Extreme" Eric Manson.
Grumpy: What's the difference?
Gallivan: Well, technically, one is being extreme to the point of illegality, and the other is being illegal to the point of extremity.
Grumpy: Being illegal to someone's extremities? This Manson guy is sicker than I thought.
Gallivan: No, you don't understand.
Jim: Isn't all illegality extreme?
Gallivan: Yes, by its very nature, illegal acts are extreme. But not all extremity is illegal.
[The two look at each other, and shake their heads.]
Jim: My brain hurts.
Grumpy: Mine too.
Gallivan: I'll draw a diagram later. Now we've got a match. Manson locks up with Crusader, and Sage forces him into the corner immediately. He goes for an overhand right, but Manson ducks out of the corner. He hits Sage with a shot to the head, and a Knee to the midsection! Now, Eric grabs him and Irish Whips him off the ropes. Sage ducks under a Clothesline by Manson and goes off the far ropes... BUT RUNS INTO A POWERSLAM BY ERIC MANSON! Manson hooks the leg, going for an early cover... 1... 2... Kickout by Crusader! These two are pretty evenly matched, size-wise.
Grumpy: Size-wise, what kind of word is that?
Jim: Is it just me, or does Archangel look out of it?
Gallivan: It's not just you, Jim. Archy is paying very little attention to the match at hand. He's keeping an eye on the entrance curtain and the fans. Maybe he's keeping an eye out for another attack by Tremere and Flashback.
Jim: Maybe he's constipated.
Gallivan: Manson is up... and hits Crusader with a Legdrop across the back of the neck! He pulls up Sage... and Irish Whips him into Manson's corner! Leo Kirk is on him like a shot! Kirk starts choking Crusader from the apron while Manson distracts DI Rogers! Rogers is quick to get wise, and puts a count on Kirk in the corner. Now, Eric tags off to Kirk... and the two of them start stomping and punching on Crusader in the corner!
Jim: They're taking advantage of that 10 count, that's for sure.
Gallivan: They step back... AND HIT CRUSADER WITH A DOUBLE DROPKICK IN THE CORNER! Now, Rogers forces Manson to the outside as Kirk drags Crusader to the middle of the ring. Sage fights back with a shot to the gut... and another. Kirk locks a Front Facelock on Sage, and is trying to power him down to his knees.
Jim: Don't forget. Leo Kirk is a former LWA Tag Champion with Johnny Reb.
Gallivan: I haven't forgotten. Sage is trying to fight out of this, but Kirk's doing a pretty good job of keeping him in the middle of the ring and bearing all of his weight down on him. Kirk repositions, and now Crusader is reaching out behind him for the tag... but Archangel isn't even looking!
Grumpy: Archangel's got more important things to worry about. He's going home with the UWS Unified Title tonight.
Jim: Over Lee Todd's dead body!
Gallivan: Leo Kirk realizes that Crusader's dangerously close to his own corner. He brings down a clubbing Forearm across Crusader's back, and cinches him up... NAILING CRUSADER WITH A BRAINBUSTER! Kirk floats over for the cover... 1... 2... NO! Crusader had his leg underneath the bottom rope and Rogers saw it. I'm not sure if Sage tried that, or if he was just very lucky. Instead of dragging him to his feet, Kirk drags Crusader over to the ropes, drapes him over the bottom rope... and now he's choking him with it!
[Leo Kirk sits on Crusader's back, pulling up on the bottom rope for extra leverage. Eric Manson tries to distract Rogers, but has little effect.]
Gallivan: DI Rogers puts a count on Kirk, and he's forced to break it. Rogers pushes Kirk away from Sage, and now he's giving him a warning.
Jim: It won't be his first warning tonight.
Gallivan: Well, he'd better be careful. One DQ will knock them out of this tournament and steal away their shot at the gold. Waitaminute! Malice is choking Crusader from outside the ring!
Grumpy: Why isn't Archangel doing anything?
Gallivan: He's still staring into the crowd. Malice releases Sage... but he's pulling something out of his pocket. It's a fork! MALICE GRABS CRUSADER AND STARTS RAKING HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH THAT FORK!!!
Jim: Well, that's just disgusting. I hope he cleaned it first.
Gallivan: In the ring, Manson shouts to Malice, who clears away from Crusader just as Rogers turns around. Leo Kirk heads off the ropes... and leaps onto Crusader's back, throttling him on that bottom rope! He steps off, and here's another quick tag. Kirk gives Rogers the finger, then climbs through the ropes to the apron. Eric Manson moves behind Crusader, who is struggling to get to his feet. He's been fighting two men so far in this match, with no help from his partner. Manson spins around, grabbing Sage by the head... Neckbreaker by Illegally Extreme! Instead of going for the cover, Manson is up, and hits Crusader with a heavy Elbowdrop to the throat... and another... and another!
Jim: These fans are not enjoying this match. But I am!
Gallivan: Manson stops dishing out the abuse to climb onto the bottom rope and shout abuse at the fans, who are giving his team such grief. Hold on! Crusader is up to his knees, and he's trying to get up. It looks like those fork scrapes opened up a small cut on Crusader's head. Manson jumps off the bottom rope, and charges Crusader as he gets up. Crusader ducks under a Clothesline attempt by Manson, who bounces off the far ropes. He comes back, and Manson ducks under a Clothesline by Crusader! Both men bounce off the far ropes... and Leo Kirk slapped his partner on the shoulder as he passed by!
Grumpy: Is that a tag?
Jim: Shut up.
Gallivan: Crusader and Manson collide in the middle of the ring, slamming their bulk into each other! Both take a few steps back, but neither went down! Now, Crusader starts firing punches at Manson, who does the same!
Jim: But he doesn't see Leo Kirk sneaking into the ring!
Gallivan: Rogers is ok with it, so I guess that was a legal tag. Crusader swings, but Manson ducks. He grabs Crusader from behind for a Back Suplex, but Sage flips back behind him! Manson spins around, just as Leo Kirk comes up behind Crusader... TOTAL ELIMINATION!!! TOTAL ELIMINATION!!!
Jim: Jeezus, what's wrong with your voice?
Gallivan: Sorry, I went a little "Styles" there for a second. Kirk and Manson just hit Crusader with double dragon legsweeps, one high, one low, and that got a rise out of these fans, who are cheering despite their distaste for the team of Kirk and Manson. DI Rogers hurries Manson out of the ring, and Kirk drops for the cover. This could do it... 1... 2... NO! Crusader just barely got a shoulder up!
Jim: He's running on instinct in that ring now.
Gallivan: Leo Kirk drags Crusader back to his feet... AND IRISH WHIPS HIM INTO HIS OWN CORNER! Crusader slammed into the back of Archangel, who was lost in thought again. Rogers is calling it a legal tag! Leo Kirk grabs the top rope... AND SLINGSHOTS ARCHANGEL INTO THE RING! Now, he starts to stomp a mudhole in Archangel, who is slow to cover up. Kirk is just stomping the hell out of the former OWF champion. He hits Archangel with a Standing Splash! Now, Kirk grabs onto Archy's foot while he leans back and tags in his partner.
Grumpy: Frequent tags. These guys are working a gameplan in that ring.
Gallivan: Eric Manson leaps over the top, hitting Archangel with a Somersault Legdrop across the throat! He gets up, and moves to the middle of the ring. He's waiting on Archangel, who is trying to catch his breath while he stands. Manson grabs him from behind for what looks like an Inverted DDT... SILENCER BY ILLEGALLY EXTREME!!!
Grumpy: Yowza. He nailed that Inverted DDT/Elbowdrop to the throat combo in textbook fashion.
Gallivan: Manson hooks the leg of Archangel, and here's the cover... 1... 2... 3! What?
Jim: You gotta be kidding me!
Gallivan: DI Rogers is calling for the bell, and this match is over!
Gallivan: Crusader is lying on the ring apron, looking on in horror. He drops off the apron, and starts walking out of the ring area, leaving Archangel in the ring on his own. He doesn't look too impressed, that's for sure.
Jim: Well, I gotta say that Kirk and Manson outwrestled Crusader and Archangel in this one. Archy better get his head right for his title match tonight.
Gallivan: Hang on! Malice is in that ring, and he just hit Rogers with a Clothesline to the back of the head! Leo Kirk climbs into the ring, and picks up Archangel... AND TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR! Meanwhile, Manson is pacing back and forth in that ring with his arms raised.
Grumpy: What the hell are they doing?
Gallivan: Oh no! Leo Kirk grabs Archangel, and hurls him into the steel guardrail! AND NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE STEEL RINGSTEPS!!!
Jim: Oooh, baby! Let's see if Archangel can take the UWS Unified Title with no face!
Gallivan: They ended Red Zachary's career with this move, and it could be all over for Archangel. Leo Kirk has taken his position on the crowd side of the steel guardrail, holding it in place. While Malice continues to stomp on DI Rogers, Manson moves to the far side of the ring. This is merciless!
Grumpy: No! He's got a title match, for Christ's sake!
[Suddenly, the crowd erupts as Gabriel Blade charges through the entrance curtain.]
Gallivan: It's the Sentinel! Gabe slides into that ring, and tackles Eric Manson from behind! Now, he's pounding on the back of Manson's head!
Jim: Aw, why does he always have to play the hero?
Gallivan: As Leo Kirk leaps over the barricade and climbs back into the ring, Michael Burke heads out through the entrance curtain. Burke's only half dressed, but he's coming to provide some backup for his partner. Kirk hits Gabe with a leaping Shouldertackle, knocking him off Manson, and now they are rolling around the mat, trading punches! And now Burke hits the ring, and he and Manson start trading blows! We need some security out here!
[The sound of thunder begins to play over the arena soundsystem, as the sexiest man over 700 lbs steps (sideways) through the entrance curtain. He makes a beeline for the ring, moving swiftly for a man his size.]
Jim: It's Seun! I thought Dagon killed him!
Gallivan: Seun is back, against doctor's orders after that nasty piledriver from Dagon.
Grumpy: That's got to be the biggest neckbrace in the world!
Gallivan: Quite possibly. He's on a very strict diet... so he's been exceptionally irritable lately. Seun reaches into the ring, and grabs the first body he can get his hands on. It turns out to be Malice. Seun pulls him out of ring, and tosses him to the floor where the rest of security stop him from heading back in. He grabs Leo Kirk in the same way, and then Eric Manson. Gabriel Blade and Mike Burke are taking a breather in the ring while security removes the young offenders.
Jim: Young Offenders. Hey, I like that. Maybe we should call them that.
Gallivan: Gabe has rolled out of the ring to check on Archangel, who looks no worse for wear.
Jim: He escaped with his face tonight.
Gallivan: While security cleans up this ring, I'm being told...
[Suddenly, "Dust" by Cyprus Hill begins to play.]
Gallivan: That's Hoser's theme music. What's going on here?
Grumpy: I thought Burke and Blade were getting a bye to the second round.
[A bandaged head and a beer in his hand, Hoser steps through the entrance curtain on unsteady legs. As he gets closer to the ring, a camera mic picks up his voice.]
Hoser: Get a fuckin ref out here! We got a match!
Gallivan: This Canadian crowd is cheering Hoser here, and in the ring even Michael Burke is smiling as he shakes his head. Julio Suave is on his way out to, and I'm being told... yes, this match will go ahead, even without the injured Shane Brandon.
Gallivan: No ring intros, the bell has already rung. Michael Burke is in the ring, so it looks like he will start this off against Hoser. Security is helping Archangel out of the ring area, so Gabriel Blade has taken his position on the apron.
Jim: Man, Hoser looks plastered.
Gallivan: I think he's still punch-drunk after that attack from Dagon. They lock up in the middle of the ring, and Burke applies a Side Headlock on Hoser. Hoser hits him with a few Forearm shots to the kidneys, but there isn't much pep on them. Hoser shoves Burke off the ropes, breaking the hold. He comes back... CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL BY BURKE!!! Hoser hit the mat like a corpse, and Burke drops for the cover... 1... 2.. 3!
Grumpy: Oh man, he turned his lights out!
Gallivan: Julio Suave is calling for the bell, and this one is over as fast as that.
Jim: What a wuss.
Gallivan: Hoser was pretty brave to come out here, but it's obvious that his injuries were worse than we thought. Our medical crew is back and checking on Hoser, who is completely out. Burke looks a little guilty in there, but I think he's going to be ok.
Jim: I wouldn't be so sure. Guilt can eat away at your insides.
Gallivan: I was talking about Hoser, Jim. Fans, while everyone clears out of the ring, let's take a look at where we are in the tournament.
[A graphic appears onscreen showing the tag tournament brackets. The results of the first round matches are filled in.]
Gallivan: As we can see, The Sentinel and the Demolition Man will be facing Leo Kirk and Eric Manson in the second round.
Jim: You mean, the Young Offenders.
Gallivan: Sure, whatever. In the second bracket, we've got Lee Todd and Stu Price, who will be facing off against Thorn and Scar. Lee and Stu are still pretty fresh after having a quick match to start the program, but Thorn and Scar were working very well together. That one should be very evenly matched.
Jim: Well, we saw Kirk and Manson rumble with Burke and Blade just a few minutes ago. There's no love loss there.
[The show cuts backstage where Hoser, a bandage affixed to his head, sits on a gurney as Dr. Zamboolah checks his vital signs.]
Dr. Zamboolah: You godda mild combustion. Yer head'll clear up before too long.
Hoser: (holds up one of the many beer bottles sharing the gurney) Not if I can help it.
[Shane Brandon enters, limping slightly. His left foot is bootless and his ankle is heavily taped.]
Hoser: Well, looks like we know who took the brunt of it.
Brandon Exactly what are you trying to suggest?
Hoser: Nothing, nothing. It's just that I walked out, despite my injuries, because I wanted to win this thing. And you just sit back here, tending to your bruised feet?
Brandon Hey! I'm not the bad guy here. Save your blame for Dagon. I would have been out there with you if I had known you were going.
Hoser: I guess so.
[Brandon picks up one of the bottles.]
Hoser: No hard feelings, eh? Help yourself. Nothing like a little self medicating.
Brandon Like I said, I don't drink before a fight.
Hoser: Bro, maybe you really did take a shot to the head... The tourney's over as far as we're concerned, buddy.
[*CRACK*]
[Glass shatters across the head of Hoser.]
Brandon Not "that" fight.
[Shane kicks Dr. Zamboolah out of the way, and starts stomping on the downed Hoser, putting his full weight down on his "injured" ankle. Brandon tips over the gurney onto Hoser, then turns to walk out.]
Hoser: (grunt) Hey, asshole!
[Brandon turns back, and catches a stainless steel bedpan in the head. Hoser leaps up from the wreckage, and tackles Brandon, knocking him into the hallway. The two continue to scuffle as the show cuts back to the ring.]
Gallivan: It looks like Brandon wasn't too enthused about teaming with Hoser and decided to take the easy way out.
Jim: Are you insinuating that Shane Brandon's injury isn't legitimate? Gallivan, that's slander! Do you want Titan Industries to take your house?
Gallivan: No.
Jim: Then, you better watch what you're saying about the Threat.
[The camera cuts to a ring shot, where Ryan Lockheart and Aspen Sandstrum are standing in the ring together. They appear to be holding hands, but let go as the cameras focus on them.]
Gallivan: Well, since Gabriel Blade and Mike Burke are still out here, I guess we know what match is next. They didn't get much of a break after their first match, but I guess it really wasn't needed. Fans, I'm getting rather disturbing news here.
Jim: Well don't keep it to yourself. Tell us!
Gallivan: It seems that Judas Dagon has left the building! Apparently, he walked into Craig Lassiter's office and started making demands. Lassiter refused to give him what he wanted, and Dagon has walked out on the pay-per-view!
Jim: Why didn't we have a camera back there for that?
Gallivan: Because we were in the middle of a match when it happened. Do you suggest we cut away from an excellent match to watch some big headed wrestler make demands?
Jim: Yes, if it means possibly seeing Dagon kill someone! So, how many pieces did they find Craig Lassiter in?
Gallivan: Just one. Fans, unfortunately this means that we won't be bringing you the Cage of Justice match as promised.
Jim: But we built a cage and everything! At least put somebody in it.
Grumpy: I'll put you in it if you don't stop whining.
Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a UWS Tag Team Tournament second round match, and is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 503 lbs... "DEMOLITION MAN" MICHAEL BURKE AND "SENTINEL" GABRIEL BLADE!!!
[Burke reaches over and grabs the microphone from Ryan Lockheart.]
Burke: (with a wide smile) It's time for the pain. It's time for destruction. The hour of judgement is at hand and you have been found lacking. It's time for you to step into the ring with the Demolition Man and the Sentinel. Your Time has run out. What time is it?
[Tosses the mic to Gabe.]
Gabriel Blade: (smirking slightly) It's Demolition time!
Aspen: And their opponents. Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 555 lbs... "ILLEGALLY EXTREME" ERIC MANSON AND "DELINQUENT" LEO KIRK!!!
Gallivan: Kirk and Manson put on an impressive show against Crusader and Archangel, and we just saw Mike Burke win their first round match with a single move. Both teams are still fresh, so this one should be a barnburner.
[The writer hissed air through his teeth after taking a sip of the 10 year old single malt. Megadeth's Mechanix droning in the background, he waited patiently for inspiration to hit him. Just a couple more matches to go, and he could delve back into the online world of MotoGP. The sacrifices he has made and will continue to make go uncounted. He wonders to himself just why he is writing this. Maybe just to see if anybody is still paying attention. It's sloppy and the tense is erratic. "Well," he thinks, "back to the steroid boys and their wrestling show."]
Jim: What the hell was that?
Gallivan: What?
Jim: Nothing. Nevermind. I feel like a drink.
Gallivan: Leo Kirk will start this one out, but we're not sure who against. Although Mike Burke is trying to convince Gabriel Blade to stay on the apron, Gabe wants to start this one off.
Grumpy: Idiot.
Gallivan: They lock up, but Kirk breaks away immediately. Again, they lock up, and again Kirk breaks away. He holds up his hands for a test of strength and Gabe immediately bites. They lock their hands together and slam their chests together. Kirk curls Gabe's hands down, forcing him to his knees. Gabe starts to fight his way back... but Kirk Knees him in the face! He reaches down and grabs Gabe... and Powerbombs him to the mat! Now, Kirk drags Gabe over to his corner and tags off to Manson. Illegally Extreme comes in, and both men start to stomp a mudhole in Gabriel Blade. Blade covers up and rolls out of harms way as Julio Suave steps in. He forces Leo Kirk out to the apron. Manson is there as Gabe gets back to his feet. He pops Gabe in the head with a closed fist... and Gabe fires one back! Manson hits him again, and again Gabe fights back! Manson grabs Gabe and Irish Whips him off the ropes. Gabe comes back... AND SPEARS MANSON TO THE MAT! He goes postal on him, firing lefts and rights down at Eric Manson!
Jim: You can't say "he goes postal" anymore. It's not PC.
Gallivan: Since when do you care anything about PC?
Jim: Oh yeah. Fuck the cripples!
Gallivan: Just when I think he can't stoop any lower... Jim digs a hole for himself.
Jim: Who are you talking to?
Gallivan: The fans.
Jim: Fuck them too!
Gallivan: Julio Suave finally steps in and pulls Gabriel Blade off the downed Manson. Eric is still stunned by that flurry of blows.
Grumpy: I had a furry blow once... disgusting.
Jim: Hey! That's my joke! Stop reading off my sheet!
Gallivan: You guys are on a roll now, aren't you? Gabe charges off the ropes as Manson gets to his feet... AND CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR!!! While Julio puts a count on Manson, Malice is helping him to his feet on the outside. Waitaminute! Mike Burke jumps off the apron, shoves Malice out of the way... AND IRISH WHIPS MANSON INTO THE GUARDRAIL!
Grumpy: I can't believe it! This match has descended into chaos!
Gallivan: Hey, now you're reading off my sheet!
Jim: Buncha rogues those OWFers, I tell ya.
Gallivan: Julio is shouting at Burke to clear out of the area... but Malice jumps onto his back! He's raking Burke across the eyes! In the ring, Leo Kirk just climbed into the ring and nailed Gabe from behind and now he's stomping the hell out of him again. Mike Burke reaches up and drags Malice onto his shoulder... TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ON MALICE!!!
Jim: No more forks for Malice.
Grumpy: He's the one who is forked.
Jim: Fork you.
Gallivan: The fans are cheering this act of carnage, but Eric Manson is back up. He charges Burke from behind... HITTING HIM WITH A RUNNING KNEE THAT SENDS HIM INTO THE STEEL RINGPOST! Burke spins off from the post and drops to the concrete. I think that shot busted him open, and he could be hurt. Eric climbs back into the ring, and Julio sends Kirk back to the apron. Manson picks up Gabe... and Irish Whips him into the turnbuckle! Gabe comes back, and Manson goes for a Clothesline... but Gabe catches him... URINAGE ON ERIC MANSON! Gabe hooks the leg, but Kirk is in the ring! 1... 2... Kirk stomps on Gabe to break the count! Julio puts a count on him, but he's going after Gabe! Kirk hits him with a snapping right hand, and Gabe fires back one of his own! They start trading punches, but Julio jumps in between them... AND GABE NAILS JULIO IN THE FACE!
Jim: Ooh, that ain't nice.
Grumpy: Disqualify them! Kirk and Manson will be the unified champs! OWF rules!
Jim: Can I hit him?
Gallivan: After we go off the air. Julio drops like a...
Jim: Like a what?
Gallivan: I'm all out of similes. Julio drops like Warner Brothers stock after new Batman movie!
Jim: Nice.
Gallivan: Gabe immediately pulled back after that obviously accidental shot... and Kirk hits him with a Dropkick to the chest! Now, Manson has rolled out of the ring and he grabs a chair from ringside! In the ring, Kirk is stomping on the head of the Sentinel. He lifts him to his feet and hooks his arms behind his back!
Grumpy: Faceoff time!
Gallivan: Manson rolls into the ring and squares up Gabe with that chair. He brings it down... BUT GABE BROKE FREE, AND LEO KIRK TAKES THE CHAIRSHOT IN THE HEAD! Manson is furious, and swings wildly with the chair at Gabe, who ducks under the shot! Gabe hits Manson with a Dropkick that slams the chair back into his own face! He's back up and grabs Eric Manson... AND CHOKESLAMS HIM ONTO THE CHAIR!!! Gabe kicks Manson out of the ring and picks up Leo Kirk. Waitaminute! Mike Burke is back up! He sees what's going on, and he's headed up to the top rope! The Sentinel hoists up Leo Kirk for an Inverted Suplex... this could be Judgement Day!
[Instead of dropping Kirk, Gabe walks over with him still hoisted up, and passes him off to Michael Burke, who grabs him in a powerbomb position.]
Gallivan: SITOUT POWERBOMB FROM THE TOP ROPE BY DEMOLITION MAN!!! These fans are going nuts! Gabe bails out of the ring and charges Manson who is now standing on the outside... AND SPEARS HIM TO THE FLOOR! In the ring, Julio crawls over to administer the count on Kirk... 1... 2... 3!!! This match is over and Burke and Blade are going to the finals!
Grumpy: Wait one damn minute! Burke wasn't the legal man, and neither was Manson! This is a sham! A travesty! A...
Jim: A fellatio?
Grumpy: Yes, a fellatio! A... you bastard, Jim!
Gallivan: This match was definitely chaos, but Gabe and Mike Burke have won it.
[The show cuts backstage. Dr. Karate is walking down the hallway, whistling to himself. Then, the 6 Hells Angels that were in the dressing room pile into the hallway. One is carrying an empty beer keg and another is finishing off the last foot of the 6 foot sub. When he sees them, Dr. Karate just stops and stares.]
Dr. Karate: My my my. What a sorry set of specimens you are. If you're here to see the monster truck show, it's next weekend.
Hog: He's wearin' a dress!
Dr. Karate: This is not a dress. These are O.R. scrubs.
Hog: O.R. scrubs... Oh, are they?
[The rest of the bikers turn and stare at Hog.]
Hog: What? I saw it in a movie. (he points at Dr. Karate) Get him!
[The bikers charge Dr. Karate, who runs away screaming and waving his stethoscope.]
[The show cuts back to the ring.]
[The show cuts backstage, near an entrance. The door swings open, and a tall brunette in a long leather coat walks in. She shakes a dusting of snow from her hair and looks around.]
Gallivan: That's Barbra Raymond!
Jim: Who?
Gallivan: Babe!
Jim: Doesn't ring a bell.
Gallivan: Barbra Raymond? Her father owned the original LWA? She used to go out with Craig Lassiter, then known as Leroy Brown? She dumped him and left him a shell of a man. She was a former valet for Ken Holbrook and the Royal Flush gang?
Jim: Yeah, I think that's enough backstory. I remember her now.
[Babe kicks some snow off her boots and is about to head down a corridor when Dr. Karate comes screaming around the corner. He appears to be naked except for his labcoat flapping in the breeze behind him. Dr. Karate runs past Babe, flashing his ass as he turns the corner. Then, the line of bikers charges down the hall after him. One of them is waving Dr. Karate's scrubs over his head, and they are all shouting.]
Babe: Well, I'm definitely in the right building.
[She walks off.]
Gallivan: That's Babe! What is she doing here?
Jim: Yeah, a chick at a wrestling show. She just doesn't belong.
Gallivan: That's not what I meant.
Jim: Yes you did. Gallivan, you're a misogynist.
Gallivan: Jim, where did you learn that word?
Jim: It was on the paperwork for my last divorce.
Gallivan: How long did this one last?
Jim: Four and a half weeks. A new record.
Gallivan: Fans, although I announced earlier that the Cage of Justice match would be cancelled, it appears that the two sides have come to a decision. I hate to say this, but the UWS have agreed with Judas Dagon's demands. As an added stipulation, if Dagon wins this match against Gabriel Blade, his suspension is lifted. That means that there's even more on the line tonight. And if you don't believe me... take a look at this.
[The Syni-tron lights up to show a video package.]
[Then, a huge figure steps through the entrance curtain.]
Jim: IT'S THE SENTINEL!
[A sudden chill enters the arena and the lights dim. The sounds of screaming and torment can barely be made out as the unnerving cords of "The thing that should not be" by Metallica play on. Then, step by step, the giant 7 footer walks upon the entrance ramp. He is as slow but unstoppable as an iceberg or a glacier. His eyes are cold and his Iron plated Ash gray longcoat matches that emotional absense to a tee. He moves towards the ring and slowly lets the coat fall off his back while he takes off two big gray gauntlets, letting his long white hair fall into place.]
Gallivan: No it's not! It's the man who was masquerading as the Sentinel in the LWA and SWWF... Judas Dagon!
[Craig Lassiter looks up at the monster.]
Lassiter: Close enough. (yelling to Julio) Put him in the match!
Gallivan: Dagon pulls Sean back to his feet, and steps around to face Holbrook... AND HOLBROOK EXPLODES THE CRUTCH ACROSS DAGON'S HEAD!!!
Jim: HE DIDN'T EVEN GO DOWN!
Gallivan: Scar rolls into the ring... AND NAILS DAGON WITH A TWO-HANDED SWING ACROSS THE FACE!!!!!
Jim: Holy shit!
Gallivan: Dagon was driven back by the force of that chairshot, but he's standing up! Blood is already streaming down his face, but this beast is just staring at Scar as if to say, "hit me again!"
Jim: Scar wanted to be a hero like Burke, and now both of them can share a hospital bed.
Gallivan: Somehow, Mike Burke held on! He is still firing punches at Dagon, but they don't have the same sting. Dagon reaches back and grabs Burke, pulling him around to the side... CANADIAN BACKBREAKER BY DAGON!!! Mike Burke has curled up on that concrete, holding his ribs, and this kid is in a world of hurt.
Jim: Dagon's only just started.
Gallivan: Dagon grabs Sean by the hair, and drags his lifeless body to its knees... Dragon Sleeper by Anti-Sentinel! No, he hoists him up into an Inverted Suplex, and he's just holding him there!
Jim: That looks mighty familiar, if you ask me.
Gallivan: JUDGMENT NIGHT ON SEAN LASSITER!!!
Jim: Wasn't that the Sentinel's old move?
Gallivan: Actually, Sentinel used "Judgment Day." Judas Dagon just obliterated Sean Lassiter with that inverted hanging brainbuster, and this kid is done.
Gallivan: Dagon steps over the top rope and drops to the floor. He stares down at Ken Holbrook... then nails a Legdrop across the back of Holbrook's head!!!
[The monster slowly gets up, and stares down at the halo of blood that is slowly expanding around Ken Holbrook, who lies face-down on the concrete.]
Gallivan: Dear God! With the size of that man, he could have crushed his skull! Dagon is just staring at him as if he enjoys this!
[Sean Lassiter stares into the camera, showing much more emotion than ever before. Then, there is a loud bellow from off-camera, and a figure charges into shot.]
Gallivan: It's Judas Dagon!!! Dagon just Mafia Kicked Sean Lassiter! Where the hell did he come from?
Jim: A guy that size you should at least see coming. He damn near decapitated Sean with that kick. I don't think we'll be seeing Sean VS Dagon II. Sean couldn't do anything against him when he was teamed up with Ken Holbrook. He's got even less of a chance on his own after being sucker-kicked.
Gallivan: Zeke has wisely given this beast as much room as he needs. Dagon reaches down and drags the limp Sean to his feet. He hoists him up for a Gorilla Press!!! NO!!!
[Instead of pressing Sean to the floor, Dagon throws him, headfirst, into a nearby wall. Sean's goes clean through the wall material, as far as his chest. His body collapses as a huge section of the wall breaks free, dropping him to the floor.]
Gallivan: DEAR GOD!!!
Jim: He threw him like a dart!
[Judas Dagon sneers at Ufung, then grabs him by the throat. He hoists up Ufung, and choke-shoves him directly into a steel support beam. Ufung hits, back-first, with a meaty thunk, then drops to the ground. Dagon looks at him, then leaps into the air, bringing his entire bulk down onto Ufung with a Standing Senton Bomb.]
Gallivan: Good God!
Gallivan: Here we go! The bell rings, and Dagon charges at the Native! He grabs him by the throat, and hoists him high into the air!
Jim: He's lifting him like it's nothing!
Gallivan: The Native's struggles have all but ceased. Dear God... let him go!
Gallivan: Outside the ring, Seun is in incredible pain, and Dagon is actually fighting off the rest of the ring crew with his free hand! He's punching and kicking these guys off him, and still cranks down on the Claw hold! Waitaminute. He releases Seun, and grabs him by the head. Oh dear God, no! Dagon puts Seuns head between his legs. He's actually lifting this giant man... PILEDRIVER ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!!
Jim: Jesus, Seun didn't have much of a neck to begin with, but that could have killed him.
Gallivan: Dagon looks down at the helpless cruiserweight, and grins! He steps over... AND NAILS SCAR WITH A SPLASH!!! He just brought down all his weight on that kid, and he's damn near been crushed! Meanwhile, Holbrook is wailing on Mike Burke with that cane! Fans, I can't believe Dagon would work with anyone, let alone Ken Holbrook. Surely, there must be something more to this than meets the eye.
Gallivan: Dagon tosses Gabriel Blade into the ring and follows him in. He tries to get to his feet, but Dagon hits him with a vicious Running Knee to the head! Now, he drops to the mat... AND LOCKS A LEG GRAPEVINE ON GABE!!!
Jim: This guys no ordinary big man. He's targeted that injured knee of Gabe, and it looks like Dagon is going to cripple the Sentinel here and now, since he's not going to be able to do it at the pay-per-view.
Gallivan: Gabe is trying to fight his way out of it, but Dagon is just too big. He's tearing at that knee, and Gabe is in incredible pain! Ken Holbrook is on the top rope, and he dives off... HITTING GABE DEAD TO RIGHTS WITH A FLYING HEADBUTT!!! Holbrook was wearing that steel mask and came down square on the left knee of Gabe. Gabe is screaming in pain in that ring! This is insane!
[With that, the Syni-tron goes dead once again.]
Gallivan: Well, if that isn't an impressive resume, I don't know what is. Judas Dagon has done just one thing since his arrival in the UWS... hurt people. A few have tried to stop him, to limited success. He's been suspended by LWA President Craig Lassiter, but tonight his suspension will be lifted if he wins. Tonight, Gabriel Blade, the self-appointed defender of the Sentinel's virtues, will get his chance to go one-on-one against the monster.
Jim: This match will be incredibly short.
Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest will take place within the confines of the Cage of Justice! Coming to the ring at this time, from The Tower of Babel, and weighing in at 350 lbs... "THE ANTI-SENTINEL" JUDAS DAGON!!!
[A sudden chill enters the arena and the lights dim. The sounds of screaming and torment can barely be made out as the first unnerving cords of "The thing that should not be" by Metallica begins to play. Then, step by step, the giant 7 footer known as the Anti Sentinel walks upon the entrance ramp. He is as slow but unstoppable as an iceberg or a glacier. His eyes are cold and his Iron plated ash gray longcoat matches that emotional absense to a tee. He moves towards the ring and slowly lets the coat fall off his back while he takes off two big gray gauntlets, letting his long white hair fall into place. Then he waits.]
Gallivan: Judas Dagon is standing in that ring, and Ken Holbrook is surprisingly absent. We saw Holbrook and Dagon working together on the last Blackened, and we assume that Holbrook was responsible for Dagon's attack earlier tonight on Hoser and Shane Brandon. But it seems as if Dagon's chosen to come out here alone.
[The camera pans up to show the Cage of Justice hanging high above the ring. Several brave riggers are attaching what looks like a giant sword to the center of the roof of the cage. The sword has a huge, broad blade, and is held up by the hilt so that it points down towards the ground.]
Jim: What the hell is that?
Gallivan: Read your cheat sheet, Jim. The Cage of Justice is so called because hanging above the ring will be the Sword of Justice.
Grumpy: What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I guess that's a +6 Defender, is it?
Gallivan: That sword will be fair game for either of the competitors. It is blunt, but weighs over 50 lbs and can still be used as a very dangerous weapon.
Jim: We're giving Dagon a sword now? That's it, I quit.
Grumpy: Good, I'm the new color man!
Jim: Shut up... I rescind my quitting.
[The Syni-tron lights up with yet another video package.]
ob·ses·sion \Ob*ses"sion\, n. (L. obsessio: cf.F. obsession.) 1: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety. 2: an unhealthy preoccupation with something or someone (syn: fixation)
Sometimes one thought, one idea can totally dominate your mind.
[The scene is dark as we hear one slow, measured exhalation. The visual slowly fades in as we see Gabriel Blade staring at his own reflection in a locker room mirror. His face is mixed with so many emotions, it's difficult to say what exactly he is feeling. Although so much else is clearly there, the only emotion clear in his eyes is nervousness. The visual fades out, and we are again engulfed in darkness.]
One thought can come to be your entire focus, everything else can be shut out. Some call this determination. It can make you strong. It can help you do what needs to be done.
[The scene fades in again. Gabe is leaning against the bathroom counter of the locker room, partially supporting his weight with his arms as he stares into the mirror. He lets out another long, controlled breath as the scene fades out again.]
Obsession can fuel you, it can give you what it takes to accomplish great things. It can make you a hero.
[Gabe steps away from the mirror as the scene fades in. He breathes deeply, trying to maintain control, and rolls his head from side to side.]
Obsession can be a great ally. But it can also be a great enemy.
[Gabe is sitting on a folding chair in the locker room proper, his hands over his face. He sighs as he slides his hands back through his hair, then begins cracking his neck, and tapping his foot impatiently]
Determination can be too much. Obsession can grow too quickly...
[Gabe continues to tap his foot impatiently before jumping up and pacing, walking back and forth across the room. He stops pacing and jumps gently from foot to foot, warming himself up.]
Having only one reason, only one purpose, it can be trying on the mind. With nothing else to stop it, one thought can grow unchecked, it can consume you.
[We see a close up of Gabe's face. The shot seems to be in slow motion as Gabe's eyes blink shut and we hear one word whispered through his mind, "Dagon..."]
It's a difficult balancing act, a thin line to walk. Determination and obsession are close bed fellows. A young superstar now walks that line. On one side lies greatness and legend, on the other, total destruction. Which will come for Gabriel Blade? Only time will tell...
[Gabe is once again pacing, his breath heavy, his hands twitching. He looks like a caged animal, he looks like he's ready to snap. He stops suddenly, his eyes practically burning through the door way, he can wait no longer. After a moment, Gabe storms forward, throwing the door open and charging out of the room, the door slams shut behind him.]
Gabriel Blade has a date with destiny. One way or another, he will get his hands on the man that has been racing through his thoughts almost without pause since the debut of UWS Blackened. The question is, will Gabe be able to channel his obsession into the drive to do what must be done, or will he explode before he even gets his chance?
[The scene fades back in for one a shot of Gabe quickly and purposefully walking through the arena. He stops in front of the curtains leading to the stage. He takes one deep, measured breath, and exhales slowly. With resolution burning in his eyes, the young superstare presses forward, pushing the curtains to his sides]
Lockheart: And his opponent. Coming to the ring at this time, from Athens, Greece, and weighing in at 246 lbs... "SENTINEL" GABRIEL BLADE!!!
[And Justice For All plays as Gabriel Blade steps onto the entrance ramp. Those observant of the human soul can easily see the wonder and awe still there in his eyes as he surveys the scene before turning to face the ring and marching resolutely forward.]
Gallivan: Gabe is understandably hesitant to climb into that ring. But, Dagon is waiting calmly in his corner. Ryan Lockheart bails out of the ring, as does Julio Suave. The Sentinel is alone in that ring with Judas Dagon... as they start to lower the cage!
Jim: Hey, there's no door in this cage!
Gallivan: Exactly. An enclosed roof and no door. There's no way in... or out. Julio Suave and DI Rogers are watching outside the cage, but have instructions not to raise the cage for any reason until we have a winner. It's a dangerous situation to say the least.
Jim: Yeah, dangerous for one man... Gabriel Blade. The last time the LWA had a cage match, someone got hit by lightning.
Grumpy: The Sentinel should be so lucky.
Gallivan: Despite the attack on him at Blackened, and his grueling matches thus far tonight, Gabe is looking very strong in that ring.
Grumpy: Yeah, Dr. Zamboolah healed him to maximum hitpoints before coming out here. Sheesh. And I supposed he was Blessed and Hasted before the match as well.
Gallivan: Are you done?
Grumpy: Not quite. Judas Dagon is a myrmidon, and Gabriel Blade is a goblin. Even if there were a hundred Sentinels, Dagon could sweep on them, one for each level. Plus, he's got a permanent Stoneskin on him that replenishes over time. Unless Gabe's got a few Power Word: Kill's up his sleeve, his orc is roasted.
Gallivan: Well, thank heaven that's over.
Grumpy: Catoblepas.
Gallivan: The cage is finally down, and this match is on!
Gallivan: Gabe walks towards the center of the ring, as does Dagon. He stares up into the eyes of the big man, and they lock up! At 7 feet tall, Dagon uses his height to force Gabe down to his knees. He brings all of his weight down on the tieup... but Gabe starts to force his way back up! He stands up, and breaks the tieup, shoving Dagon back! The monster takes a few steps back... then charges! Dagon bullrushes Gabe... but he Leapfrogs over him! Dagon turns around, and Gabe hits him with an overhead Haymaker! And another! Now, Gabe starts to fire lefts and rights into the head of Dagon!
Jim: Yeah, this should last long.
Gallivan: The big man is taking a half-step back with every punch, and finally comes up against the ropes. Gabe hits him with another right... AND DAGON REACHES OUT AND GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT!!!
Jim: Say goodnight, Gracie.
Gallivan: Dagon's blatantly choking Gabe, but it's all legal inside the confines of the cage.
Grumpy: Isn't that kinda stupid, having a Cage of Justice with no rules inside?
Gallivan: Sentinel boots Dagon in the midsection, but he still holds on! He fires off another front Kick, then grabs Dagon by the arm... AND ARMDRAGS HIM TO THE MAT!
Jim: When was the last time an Armdrag got that kind of reaction from the fans.
Gallivan: Dagon looks angry as he regains his vertical base, but Gabe bounces off the ropes towards him... hitting him with a Lariat to the back of the head! Dagon stumbles forward, and Gabe hits him with a Running Knee to the back... sending Dagon through the ropes to the floor!
Jim: There's not a lot of room between that ring and the cage.
Gallivan: Gabe waits on Dagon in the ring, as the big man tries to stand. He turns back to the ring... AND GABE HITS HIM WITH A SUICIDE DIVE THROUGH THE ROPES!!! He hit Dagon square in the chest, and slammed him up against the cage! The big man actually went down!
Grumpy: Nobody saw this coming.
Jim: I did.
Grumpy: You did not!
Gallivan: Gabriel Blade doesn't waste a second. He drops onto Dagon... AND STARTS RAMMING THE BACK OF HIS HEAD INTO THE CAGE!!!
Jim: Gabe's drumming on Dagon's head like he's playing Moby Dick.
Gallivan: He's been waiting weeks to get his revenge on Dagon, and Gabe's just going to town. Judas Dagon has been busted open by the rather cheap fence material that makes up this cage. Now Gabe kneels down, and starts hammering Dagon in the head with furious right hands!
Jim: These fans are completely behind him, and I'm sure the ghost of Dasher Ufung is watching on.
Gallivan: Jim, Dasher Ufung is not dead.
Jim: You sure? I thought he was dead. Oh well.
Gallivan: Waitaminute! Something is crawling out from under the ring apron! IT'S KEN HOLBROOK!!!
Jim: How long has he been down there?
Gallivan: Long enough. Holbrook's wearing that chrome Jester mask and wielding his silver cane, and Gabe has no idea he's there! Holbrook comes up behind Gabe, and hits him with a two-handed swing across the back of the head with that cane!!! Gabe collapses to the floor, and now Holbrook hooks that cane across his throat, sitting on his back!
Jim: That's a modified Camel Clutch, and Gabe's getting zero air.
Gallivan: This is unfair! He's got to fight two men in there!
Jim: He asked for this match. Anybody who's stupid enough to get in a cage against Dagon deserves whatever they get.
Gallivan: Speaking of, Dagon's slowly getting back to his feet. The hair on the back of his head is matted with blood, but Dagon doesn't seem to be bothered by it. Hang on! He grabs Holbrook by the head and tights, and throws him into the ring! Now, Dagon is stomping on the downed Sentinel!
Grumpy: There's no give to that floor, that's for sure.
Gallivan: Ken Holbrook is pacing around the ring, riling up the fans while Dagon does the damage outside the ring. Dagon picks him up, and just rams him into the ringpost! He grabs Gabe... lifts him up... AND GORILLA PRESSES HIM INTO THE RING!!!
Jim: That's impressive.
Gallivan: Holbrook is on Gabe like a shot. He hits him with a Baseball Slide to the ribs! Now, he's choking him! Dagon jumps onto the ring apron and steps over the top rope. He kicks Holbrook out of the way... AND LEAPS ONTO GABE FOR A SPLASH! Outside the ring, DI Rogers slaps the side of the cage to indicate a pin... 1... 2... NO! Dagon just rolled off Gabe after the 2 count. He points to the ropes as he drags Gabe back to his feet. Dagon Irish Whips Gabe off the ropes, and Ken Holbrook runs off the same ropes at the same time.
[Dagon catches Gabe coming back, and hurls him off the far ropes with incredible speed. Ken Holbrook initiates a barrel roll, connecting with Gabe in the center of the ring upon his return.]
Gallivan: Oooooh! Holbrook hit the Belly Laugh, that rolling headbutt to the breadbasket, and Gabe has just collapsed in a heap, gasping for breath.
Grumpy: Come on, shake it off.
Gallivan: Need I remind you that Holbrook is still wearing that chrome Jester mask?
Jim: He made his liver quiver on that one!
Gallivan: Ken Holbrook drags himself into a corner, holding his neck and laughing like a madman. He and Dagon really fit together... they are both sick. Dagon rolls Gabe onto his stomach... AND HITS HIM WITH A LEGDROP TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!! He makes no effort to go for a cover on the immobile Sentinel. Instead, Dagon drags him up... and just hurls him into the turnbuckle! He steps in, driving the heel of his boot into Gabe's throat! Now, Ken Holbrook rolls out of the ring and retrieves his silver cane.
Grumpy: Is he talking to his cane?
Gallivan: I think so. Holbrook is definitely a nutter, and a dangerous one at that. Dagon releases the foot choke, and slams into him with a Back Elbow!
Jim: See, Dagon can wrestle just as good as Kevin Nash. He deserves the world title!
Gallivan: Is that sarcasm?
Jim: Yep.
Gallivan: Thought so. The cackling Ken Holbrook is headed up to the top rope with that cane in tow. Dagon pulls Gabe out of the corner... AND CHOKESLAMS HIM TO THE CANVAS! He steps back, and Holbrook leaps off the top... RAMMING THE HEAD OF THAT CANE INTO GABRIEL BLADE'S HEAD!!!
Grumpy: Oooh.
Jim: He stabbed him in the head!
Gallivan: Gabe has been busted wide open by that shot, and again Holbrook is laughing his fool head off. He pulls off the chrome mask, and tosses it out of the ring.
Jim: Don't call him a fool, Gallivan. He may be a Jester, but he ain't no fool.
Gallivan: You're doing his catchphrases now, Jim?
Jim: Somebody's got to keep this show hip.
Gallivan: These fans are still cheering for Gabe, and some of the sicker fans are screaming for more blood. The Sentinel started off like a house on fire, but Judas Dagon and Ken Holbrook are firmly in charge now. This kid is bleeding pretty badly, but I don't think the refs are going to stop it yet.
Jim: For his sake,they should, because Dagon's just getting started.
Gallivan: Dagon has gone back to stomping on Gabe with those massive feet. Gabe tries to cover up, the first sign of life from him in ages, but Dagon just starts firing off kicks to the head and ribs! Gabe crawls back into a corner and covers up. Dagon charges in... AND HITS GABE WITH A MAFIA KICK IN THE CORNER! He signals to Holbrook, who heads into the far corner, as Gabe collapses to a seated position on the canvas. Holbrook charges across the ring for a Bronco Buster... BUT GABE SHOT HIS FOOT UP, CONNECTING WITH THE GROIN OF KEN HOLBROOK!!!
Jim: Holbrook was going about 30 miles an hour when he hit, and he's gonna have to keep his mouth shut for fear of losing his 'nads.
Gallivan: Holbrook falls backward, and rolls to the end of the ring... AND VOMITS ONTO THE FLOOR!
Grumpy: Ah, jeez, will ya look at that?
Gallivan: No thank you. While Holbrook empties his stomach, Dagon charges into the corner. He goes for an Avalanche on Gabe... BUT GABE SPEARS HIM ON THE WAY IN!!!
Jim: Holy crap! Where the hell did he get the momentum to take down Dagon?
Gallivan: I don't know, but he did it. That was pure power on the part of the Sentinel. Now Gabe is on top of Dagon, and he goes back to hurling punches at him! Gabe's face is covered in blood, and I can't imagine that he can see much. Dagon covers up... and shoves Gabe off him! He stands up, but Gabe hits him with a Running Shoulderblock that drives him up against the ropes! Gabe backs up, and charges the big man... BUT GETS BACKDROPPED INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE!!!
Jim: Oh crap!
Gallivan: Gabe hit the cage upside down, and fell downward to the concrete below. He landed awkwardly on his head and shoulders, and this match might be over right here, fans. Ken Holbrook is back up, and is slowly walking around the ring, holding his package.
Grumpy: What's left of it.
Gallivan: Judas Dagon wipes some of his own blood from his face and stares down at Gabe on the floor. Ohmygod... he's headed to the top rope! He glanced at that Sword of Justice, but decided to head up top instead. On the outside, Gabe is wedged between the ring apron and the cage. Dagon stands up on the top rope, and has to duck his head against the roof of the cage. Fans, you might want to turn away at him if you're squeamish. Dagon leaps off the top rope... AND COMES DOWN ON THE SENTINEL WITH A HUGE TOP ROPE SPLASH!!!
Grumpy: That's it! Get the bodybag!
Gallivan: Gabe turned his body at the last second, which may have saved him from having his ribcage completely crushed. Dagon's curled up on the outside as well. Julio Suave is right next to them, safely outside the cage, and he's trying to speak to Gabe. It doesn't look like the kid is responding, though. Hang on, Ken Holbrook heads over to that side of the ring and slides out. He lifts up the Sentinel, and shoves him back into the ring. He takes a few seconds to adjust his package again, and now Holbrook's signalling for what I think is the NeckbreakerBomb! If he hits this, considering Gabe's condition, this match will surely be over. Frankly, it's bad enough that Gabe has to fight Dagon, but he's fighting two men in that cage, with absolutely no help.
Jim: Tough!
Gallivan: Holbrook tries to pull him up into a Powerbomb position, but Gabe just slumps to the mat. He tries again, but can't lift him up. Gabe's dead weight in that ring.
Grumpy: C'mon Holbrook, ya baby! He's not that heavy.
Gallivan: Ken Holbrook drops Gabe and starts to stomp the hell out of him in anger! He's literally dancing around Gabe, kicking at him from every angle. Now he picks up that silver cane... AND STARTS POUNDING ON GABE'S BACK WITH IT!
Jim: Hahaha! Tonight, the legend of the Sentinel finally dies!
Gallivan: Hold on! These fans are cheering again because the Demolition Man is on his way to the ring! I guess he could only watch so much before coming out here to his partner's aid.
Grumpy: That's not fair! We are watching a perfectly good handicap match, and Burke comes out here to screw it up.
Jim: (laughing) Yeah, but he can't get in the cage!
[Burke moves around the cage, shaking the walls, looking for a way inside. In the ring, Ken Holbrook is waving his cane at Burke and mocking him, shaking the walls from the inside.]
Gallivan: This is rediculous!
Jim: You think everything is rediculous!
Gallivan: Burke has decided to climb up the side of the cage, but that roof is just as secure as the walls. Apart from lifting the entire cage off the ground, he's not getting in.
Grumpy: He should have brought a weapon that he could feed through the cage to the Sentinel. That would work.
Gallivan: Holbrook is dancing around like a monkey now, pointing at Burke and laughing. Wait one unholy minute. Gabriel Blade is actually getting up! Holbrook is busy watching Burke scale the side of the cage, but these fans are reacting.
[Ken Holbrook looks confused at the fans' reaction. As Gabriel Blade gets set behind him, he slowly turns around to face the red-faced Sentinel.]
Gallivan: SPEAR BY THE SENTINEL!!! He hurled himself into the Jester, and Gabe's got to be in tremendous pain in there. He's been beat on by both men, but with Dagon still down on the floor, he's got Ken Holbrook all to himself.
Jim: Hold on! What is Burke doing?
Gallivan: He's fiddling with the bracket that holds the Sword of Justice to the top of that cage!
Grumpy: He can't do that! Ken Holbrook is lying directly underneath the sword!
Gallivan: You better believe he is! These fans are going wild as Burke struggles to unhook the clasps that are holding up the sword. Gabe staggers back to the ropes, and he's trying to clean the blood out of his eyes.
[Burke finally unhooks one of the clasps, and the rest break free. The sword falls pointfirst towards Ken Holbrook. Holbrook stares up, sees the blade falling towards him, and rolls out of the way in terror. The sword hits the canvas, digging into the ring.]
Jim: Sweet Zombie Jesus!
Gallivan: Ken Holbrook nearly lost his life in that ring! His eyes are wide open now, and I think he's about to faint. That huge sword is standing straight up, nearly a third of it dug into the ring! Gabe is there as he stumbles to his feet. He boots Holbrook in the stomach, and cinches him. Gabe hoists him up, and runs forward... POWERBOMBING HOLBROOK OVER THE ROPES TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!!
Grumpy: Ken hit with a rather sick thud, and he's not moving!
Gallivan: The tide of this match may have very well turned. Hold on! Judas Dagon is up on the outside! He's moving much slower, but he's got that same look in his eyes... hatred for everyone and everything.
Jim: Sentinel looks ready for him.
Grumpy: Sentinel looks like a victim of a combine harvester. He's a bloody mess.
Gallivan: Gabe's the first one to strike as he nails Dagon with a right hand... and another! Now, Dagon starts firing back punches of his own, and these two are actually standing toe to toe! Gabe is holding his own against the monster, and refuses to back down! A flurry of blows stuns Dagon! Gabe hits him with a vicious Forearm shot to the chest, driving him back a few steps! He drills Dagon with an Elbowsmash to the forehead... AND BODYSLAMS HIM TO THE MAT! Sentinel leaps into the air... huge Legdrop on Dagon! Outside the ring, Julio Suave slams the count into the side of the cage... 1... 2... Kickout!
Jim: I can't believe Gabe has lasted this long.
Grumpy: Lasted? He's taking Dagon to school!
Gallivan: The Sentinel picks up the big man and hooks on a Dragon Sleeper. Waitaminute! He's signalling for Judgement Day!
Jim: No way! No way is he going to hit this!
Gallivan: Gabe cinches Dagon up for that inverted Brainbuster, and lifts him up... but can't quite get him up! He tries again... but Dagon hooks his leg around Gabe's! Dagon grabs Gabe by the tights, and lifts him up... JACKHAMMER BY JUDAS DAGON! Instead of going for a cover, Dagon is back up and drags Gabe to his feet. He Irish Whips Gabe off the ropes... reversal by Gabriel Blade! Dagon comes back... DROP TOEHOLD BY THE SENTINEL!!!
Grumpy: Holy crap! Dagon came face-first into the side of that sword!
Gallivan: The big man is down... and I think he's out! Gabe stands up on shaky legs and again wipes the blood out of his eyes. Now, he's headed up to the top rope!
Jim: Nothing good can come of this.
Gallivan: Judas Dagon is moving, but he's still not able to get up. Gabe balances on the top rope. He looks up at Mike Burke, who is still standing on the top of the cage, and gives him a thumbs-up.... SHOOTING STAR PRESS BY GABRIEL BLADE!!!
Grumpy: Tell me that didn't just happen.
Gallivan: This kid is nearly 250 lbs, and he just nailed Judas Dagon with a Shooting Star Press. These fans in the nation's capital have gone completely insane! Waitaminute! Gabe isn't going for the cover! He staggers over to the Sword of Justice, and he's trying to pull it out of the ring!
Jim: Tell this kid he ain't King Arthur. That sword is stuck in there good and proper. Dagon hit it full-force with his noggin and it didn't budge.
Gallivan: Well, that isn't stopping him. On the top of the cage, Mike Burke is stomping around waving his arms, riling up the fans even more than they already are. Gabe has wrapped his arms around the sword, his arms coming up under the massive hilt, and I think it's actually moving!
Grumpy: I'll tell you what's moving! Dagon!
Gallivan: Judas Dagon is stirring on the bloodstained canvas. He rolls over onto his hands and knees and tries to shake off the cobwebs.
Jim: That big man is sucking down air like it's going out of style.
Gallivan: Gabe gives the sword another tug, and lifts it out of the ring! Sentinel hoists that sword by the hilt, with some difficulty, and drops it onto his shoulder. Behind him, Judas Dagon climbs back to his feet. He's still very unsteady. Gabe turns around... and swings the sword... BUT DAGON DUCKS!!!
Jim: He coulda been decapitated! First they try to stab Ken Holbrook, and now they try to chop Dagon's head off!
Gallivan: Dagon reaches for Gabe, who just spins around, doing a 360.
Grumpy: The sword is spinning him, not the other way around.
Gallivan: Gabe brings up the sword again, in mid-spin... AND SLAMS DAGON ACROSS THE HEAD WITH IT!!! DEAR GOD! Sentinel just brained Dagon with an overhead broadside swipe of the sword. The big man falls backward like a giant redwood... AND CRASHES TO THE MAT!!!
[Gabe collapses after the effort, sending the sword thudding to the corner of the ring.]
Gallivan: Gabriel Blade crawls over towards Dagon, blood dripping off his nose and chin... AND APPLIES THE GATEWAY TO ETERNITY!!! Dagon is down... and out! DI Rogers and Julio Suave are moving around the ring to get a better look... and Rogers calls for the bell! I can't believe it!!!
Jim: That mandible claw was completly unnecessary. Dagon was out after the shot from the sword.
Gallivan: These fans are going wild! Gabriel Blade has done it! He has defeated Judas Dagon!
[Mike Burke climbs down from the roof of the cage, and as soon as he hits the floor, the cage begins to rise.]
Gallivan: Gabe can barely stand, but he's ecstatic in that ring. Burke rolls into the ring as the cage continues to rise and congratulates his partner. What a contest.
Jim: Looks like Dagon's going to be taking a ride in the meatwagon tonight.
Gallivan: I don't like it when anyone gets hurt in the ring, but I'm having a hard time pitying Judas Dagon. The UWS medical team has an especially large stretcher to carry Dagon out of here. Holbrook is also being carried out. At the risk of editorialising, he deserves what he got as well.
[Seun reaches into the ring, and pulls out the Sword of Justice. Doc Andrews climbs into the ring with a towel and hands it to Gabriel Blade. Gabe wipes most of the blood from his face, and Doc Andrews starts looking at the various cuts on his head.]
Gallivan: What a night so far. And we've still got two matches left to go.
[Suddenly, "Bodyrock" by Moby begins to play as Lee F'n' Todd and Stu-E Price step through the entrance curtain. The two of them stand at the entrance, their hands on their hips, staring at the ring.]
Gallivan: What are they doing here?
Jim: Are you forgetting? We've got the finals for the tag tournament to do!
Gallivan: Todd doesn't call the shots here! He can't just come out here and start up a match. Gabriel Blade just fought the match of his life. He's a bloody mess!
Jim: Tough.
Gallivan: Well fans, I'm being told that this match will go ahead right now. Doc Andrews is doing a quick patch job on that nasty cut across Gabe's head, and here come Stu and Lee!
[Stu and Lee start to walk slowly towards the ring. In the ring, Gabriel Blade calls for a microphone, even while Doc Andrews continues to stitch up his head.]
Gabriel Blade: Stop, please, stop before you even say a word. I like a good laugh as much as the next guy, and comedy definitely has its place, but not here, and not now. I've sat back and watched as you two have made a mockery of this tournament over and over again. Your little skits and pranks may make the two of you laugh, but they belittle this tournament, and they belittle the men in it. A lot of men busted their asses tonight for this tournament, a lot of people that would give anything to be where you are now. So please, save whatever ridiculous and juvenile comments you may have for some other time, we're here to wrestle...
Burke: (snatching the mic away) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, Sentinel. Take it easy on them. Everybody has his own style, and these two already have enough ridicule and insult piled on them. I've got to tell you though, Stu, I was really hurt when you suggested that Gabe and I might be, shall we say, "more than friends." That hurts, man, that hurts, right here. (pats his chest, over his heart) After all, Stu, I'd have thought that you of all people would know how much it hurts when people say things like that. I mean, you've heard what the guys in the back are saying! They're ruthless, they'll take any innocent little thing and twist it right around. I'm even a bit guilty myself and I'd like to say I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not even gonna get into the whole Aqua thing because... quite frankly, Kev and I are partial to Danish pop. But that's just the tip of the iceburg. The guys back there, they'll take the fact that to train for this tournament, you had your partner run around slapping naked men on the ass, and they turn that into something sick and perverted! They see that in your other little training session, you felt the need to press your bare ass against the spot occupied by your partner's lip, and they call you a fag! What are those bastards talking about?! And that's not the worst of it, either. They go on and on and on about... "the incident" with you and Edmund Paine, and I just don't know what they're thinking. They take an innocent little thing like a massage and turn it into something twisted. But I know, it was perfectly innocent. I mean, sometimes you just get tense, and you need a massage to let that tension go, and sometimes the only person there to give you that massage is a man. And hey people, tension isn't limited to the shoulders! Sometimes a man gets tense... all over, and he's got to get that release somewhere, and I think it's wrong that the boys in the back feel the need to harass you for it. I say there's nothing wrong with what happened between you and Paine, in fact, I applaud it. You know, now that I think about it, we're probably all gonna be pretty tense when this whole thing is over... I bet we'll all be in need of a massage. How about this, Stu. After the match, you and I will go back to the locker room, I can give you a massage... (under his breath) and you can fuck me in the ass.
Grumpy: Whoah!!!
[At that, Stu charges into the ring and is set upon by Mike Burke.]
Gallivan: That got Stu in the mood to fight, if he wasn't already. I guess Mike Burke is tired of all the innuendo, and just flat out said it.
Jim: Innuendo? What's that, an Italian suppository?
Gallivan: Jim, I am positive that you used that joke in the old LWA.
Jim: So what, it's still funny.
Gallivan: In fact, I think that's an old Benny Hill gag. Burke tried to smother Stu with his size, but Stu punched his way out of it! Now, both men are trading punches like wild dogs.
Jim: Dogs don't punch.
Gallivan: Don't diss my similes, Jim. Lee Todd jumps into the ring and Gabe tells Doc Andrews to get out of there, as he does. Todd moves to charge at Gabe, but puts on the brakes when he sees that Gabe sees him coming.
Grumpy: There's a rather determined look on Gabe's face.
Gallivan: Beating an unbeatable monster will do that to you. Gabe is the one who comes at Lee, and Lee hits him with a Forearm shot across the chest... and a Knife-edge Chop! And another! Gabe fires back with a Knife-edge Chop of his own! And now they are trading chops just as Stu and Burke trade punches!
Jim: It looks like we finally have a ref for this one.
Gallivan: Julio Suave was at ringside and he's decided to climb into the ring to try and restore some order to this affair. Stu-E hits Burke with a Headbutt out of nowhere. He strikes Burke with an Elbow... and another! He grabs Burke's arm... Jumping Armbreaker by Stu-E Price! Stu grabs Burke by the hair... AND TOSSES HIM THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR! Julio immediately jumps in front of Stu, who was headed towards Lee and Gabe.. and he's sending him to the apron!
Jim: C'mon, let 'em fight.
Gallivan: Stu-E complains, but heads out to the apron anyway. On the other side of the ring, the audience cheering on each smack, Lee and Gabe continue to trade chops! Gabe drives a Knee into Lee's midsection... but Lee viciously rakes Gabe across the eyes! He Fireman Carries Gabe to the mat... AND DRIVES HIS KNEE INTO THE SENTINEL'S THROAT! Lee keeps it held there, choking Gabe until Julio forces him to break! He's up and tries to lifts Gabe up to his feet... but Gabe hits him with a stiff Shoulderblock to the stomach! He grabs Lee for a waistlock, and Backdrops him to the mat! Todd is quick to get to his feet, but Gabe catches him as he gets up... URINAGE BY GABRIEL BLADE! He hooks Lee's leg, and here's the count... 1.. 2... NO! Stu ran across the ring apron, and booted Gabe in the head from the outside! Hang on! Michael Burke is up on the outside. He grabs Stu by the legs, and pulls him onto his shoulders! Stu is panicking, and starts firing punches into Burke's head, but he's walking towards our announce table.
Grumpy: SWEET JESUS!
[There is a screech of feedback and then static replaces the audio as Michael Burke sends Stu Price through the announce table with an Electric Chair Drop. The fans start chanting "DEMO-LITION" while the announcers scramble to pull their headset cables out of the wreckage.]
[In the ring, Gabe is firing punches down at Lee Todd. Mike Burke jumps back on the apron and holds his hand out for the tag. Gabe picks up Lee and hurls him into their corner, then tags off to Burke.]
Jim: Are we on?
[Hiss of static.]
Jim: Get Gallivan a new headset! I'll take over. Gabe and Burke Irish Whip Lee off the ropes... and drive him into the mat with a vicious Double Sidewalk Slam! Gabe heads out to the apron, and Burke goes for the cover... 1... 2... Kickout by Todd!
Grumpy: Jesus, I think he broke my ankle!
Jim: Shut up, I'm doing play-by-play! Mike Burke plants a knee onto the LWA Champion, grabs him by the hair... AND STARTS PUMMELLING HIM IN THE FACE!!!
Grumpy: Let me do this. Burke is just piss-knocking Lee Todd with his fistes!
Jim: You friggin' goober. The play-by-play chain of command goes Gallivan... Jim... that dude in the front row with the "Intellectual Property of the LWA" t-shirt... then you.
Grumpy: Up yours, Browski.
Jim: Julio has warned Burke twice, and now he has to physically pull the Demolition Man off Lee Todd. Todd rolls over clutching his blood-red face and he's crawling toward his corner.
Grumpy: He ain't gonna find a partner. Stu has been de-smashitated.
Jim: Don't make up words, tool.
Grumpy: That's a word! I heard Ron King use it!
Gallivan: Test... test. Ok, we're back. Fans, we no longer have an announce table, thanks to Michael Burke, but at least my headset is working again. In the ring, Burke is waiting on Lee. He grabs Lee, and forcibly hurls him off the ropes. Lee comes back... AND DUCKS UNDER THE LARIAT ATTEMPT BY BURKE! That shot would have decapitated Lee for sure, but Burke fell to the mat after missing it. He scrambles back up... but Lee hits him with a running Knee to the back that sends him headfirst into the corner! Lee grabs Burke from behind... Back Suplex by Lee Todd! He's back up and pulls Burke to his feet... REVERSE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP BY LEE TODD! Todd is still red-faced, but he's getting his bearings back. Hang on! He charges across the ring... AND TATTOOS GABRIEL BLADE WITH A SHOT TO THE HEAD! Gabe tries to climb into the ring, but Julio tackles him on the way in.
Jim: I wouldn't call that a tackle. Gabe is only stopping because he doesn't want to get Julio stuck to the bottoms of his boots.
Gallivan: Hang on! Lee just pulled off his t-shirt... AND HIS WRAPPED IT AROUND MICHAEL BURKE'S NECK! He's throttling Burke with that shirt!
Jim: That's quality LWA merchandise there, it won't rip like those cheap FHW shirts.
Gallivan: Gabe sees what's going on, and heads back to his spot on the apron. Lee locks Burke in a Rear Chinlock... and he's managed to hide that shirt underneath his arms! He's still got Burke's air supply cut off.
Jim: Hey, looks like Stu's coming around. Don't let him see Lee with no shirt on. It could get messy.
Gallivan: Jim, not you too.
Jim: Come on, they bring this shit on themselves!
Gallivan: Julio checks on Burke, and it looks like he's out of it!
Grumpy: His face is turning blue, for chrissakes!
[Gabe shouts at Julio to check the hold, but while his back is turned, Lee releases it, and tosses the shirt out of the ring. He re-applies the Rear Chinlock just as Julio comes back to check him.]
Jim: Ah, like a fine wine... heels just get better with age.
Gallivan: Julio checks on Burke, who is finally breathing again. Lee breaks the hold... and nails Burke with a Legdrop across the throat! He grabs Burke by the feet... AND APPLIES A FIGURE-FOUR! Stu-E Price has been busted open after that nasty chairdrop from Burke, but he's shambling back to his corner. Things look bad for Michael Burke, but he's coming out of that state of oxygen-deprivation that Lee put him in pretty quickly.
Jim: See how stupid you look when you make up words, Grumpy?
Grumpy: Yes, I see.
Gallivan: What?
Jim: (shaking his head) Oxygen-deprivation... broadcast journalist indeed.
Gallivan: In the ring, Michael Burke has lifted himself up on his elbows, and is slowly dragging himself backwards towards his corner. Gabe has his arm held for the tag, and he's itching to get his hands on Lee Todd. Burke is fighting off the pain of the figure-four, and it looks like he's going to make it to his corner... WAITAMINUTE!
[There is a roar of a Harley-Davidson, and the leader of the bikers, Hog, drives through the entrance ramp towards the ring. He swerves halfway to the ring, and crashes into the security railing, sending sparks into the front row. The other 5 bikers charge through the entrance, ripping the curtain off in the process and start running towards the ring.]
Gallivan: What the hell are they doing here?
Jim: They are bikers, and they are drunk. Did you expect them to hang out backstage and play with Dr. Karate all night?
Gallivan: Surely one keg isn't enough to get 6 bikers this drunk, is it?
Jim: Bad news. They found Hoser's stash.
Gallivan: Oh dear.
Jim: And Craig Lassiter's...
Gallivan: Oh my.
Jim: And Marcus Ash's...
Gallivan: I'm sense a trend here.
Jim: This is a wrestling arena, Gallivan. There's more liquor in this building than the Senate House.
Gallivan: On the apron, Stu Price is ready to run, but he doesn't know where. Brodie is the first one onto the apron... AND HE HITS STU WITH A BIKE CHAIN!!!
Grumpy: Double ouch!
Gallivan: Stu collapses to the floor, holding his face. In the ring, Lee has released the figure-four. He charges Brodie... AND HITS HIM WITH A RUNNING KNEE THAT SENDS HIM INTO THE GUARDRAIL! Hold on, Hog and the rest of the bikers are climbing into the ring as well! Julio is shouting at them, but they aren't listening.
Jim: Go figure. A bunch of drunk Hells Angels won't listen to a little Spanish man. What is the world coming to?
Gallivan: The bikers gang-clobber Lee Todd!
Jim: Gang-clobber? This is the closest you've ever been to a motorcycle, isn't it Gallivan?
Gallivan: Well... yes. Hang on! Gabriel Blade climbs into the ring... AND HE'S HELPING LEE FIGHT OFF THE BIKERS!
Jim: Well that's just stupid.
Gallivan: Michael Burke is up, and although he's limping, he jumps into the fray!
Jim: Are we in a Groo comic now?
Gallivan: You're really reaching now, Jim.
Jim: What can I tell ya, it's late and I want to go home. I'm too tired to make any sense.
Gallivan: Julio is just watching this. He obviously doesn't want to disqualify both teams and render this tournament null and void. Burke, Todd, and Gabe are fighting off these bikers pretty well in there! Stu Price is still a wreck on the floor, though. The three of them knock the last of the bikers to the floor, and these fans are cheering them on.
Grumpy: Ahem... aren't we in the middle of the tournament finals?
Gallivan: As the last of the bikers is sent through the ropes, Lee turns on Burke! He hits him with a nasty right hand, but Burke fires back at him with a Haymaker! He boots Todd in the guts... AND POWERBOMBS HIM TO THE MAT! He reaches down to Lee and grabs him around the throat... AND LIFTS HIM OFF THE MAT FOR A CHOKELIFT!!! Julio forces Gabe back to the apron, and I guess this match will continue. Julio puts a count on Burke... BUT HE NAILS LEE WITH A CHOKEBOMB! The Demolition Man hooks the leg, and this could do it... 1... 2... Kickout by Lee Todd! Hold on fans, Stu Price is actually back on the apron! He's a bloody mess, but he's actually reaching out for the tag.
Jim: Not a good idea.
Gallivan: Burke picks up Lee, and bounces off the far ropes... but Brodie tripped him! He grabs Mike Burke by the feet, and pulls him out of the ring, into the hands of the bikers! Now, all 6 of them are pounding on him, and Julio jumps out of the ring to try and stop them.
Grumpy: What happened to our security?
Gallivan: In the ring, Lee Todd just spit at Gabriel Blade! Gabe was about to run to his partner's aid, but now he jumps into the ring... AND SPEARS LEE TO THE MAT! He start firing punches at Lee Todd, but Stu Price is headed up to the top rope! TOP ROPE FROGSPLASH ONTO GABE BY STU-E PRICE!!! He just came crashing down onto the Sentinel, and both he and Lee are in a mess. Stu picks up Lee, and motions for him to move across the ring. He grabs Gabe by the feet for what looks like a slingshot!
[In the ring, Lee shakes his head at Stu, but Stu insists.]
Gallivan: Lee braces himself as Stu cinches up Gabriel Blade... Stu slingshots Gabe right into Lee... SPINEBUSTER BY LEE TODD!!! The impact was enough to shake the ring, and now Lee is firing punches into the head of Gabriel Blade, opening up those cuts again! Stu runs over to the other side of the ring where security is finally trying to remove these bikers. He shouts to Julio, who dives back into the ring. Lee hooks Gabe's leg... 1... 2... NO! Kickout by Gabe Blade!
Jim: No way!
Gallivan: Gabe still looks like he's had all the air knocked out of him, but he still managed to kick out. Lee drives a knee into Gabe's throat... AND GOES RIGHT BACK TO POUNDING ON THOSE CUTS! Julio puts a count on him, and now he just grabs Lee's arm and tries to pull him off Gabe! Lee comes back after Gabe, who has rolled up to a seated position. He hits Gabe with a boot in the head, then starts firing more closed fists into his head!
Jim: Brutality!
Grumpy: These guys were fighting together a second ago.
Gallivan: Gabe reaches out in desperation, and grabs Lee by the belt loops on his jeans.
Jim: I hope he's not THAT desperate.
Gallivan: He yanks on Lee... LAUNCHING HIM THROUGH THE ROPES BEHIND HIM TO THE FLOOR! Julio starts to put a count on Lee, but Stu Price charges into the ring! STU NAILS GABE WITH A PINPOINT DROPKICK TO THE FACE! He hooks the leg, Julio shrugs, and count... 1... 2... Kickout!
Grumpy: Hold on! Just who is legal in there?
Gallivan: Don't ask me. Stu picks up Gabe... and Irish Whips him into the corner! Outside the ring, Mike Burke grabs Lee by the leg... AND APPLIES AN INDIAN LEGLOCK! Lee is trying to fight it, but he's keeping him grounded!
Jim: Burke took a hell of a beating from those bikers.
Gallivan: Stu charges in at Gabe headfirst, but he pulls himself up... SUNSET FLIP BY GABRIEL BLADE! Julio drops for the count... 1... 2... Kickout! Both men scramble to their feet, and Stu boots Gabe in the guts! He cinches him for a Suplex, and hooks the leg! He hoists Gabe into the air, but he's fighting out of it! Gabe falls back behind Stu! He spins around and grabs Stu by the hair... JUDGEMENT DAY BY THE SENTINEL!!! He slammed Stu to the mat with that inverted brainbuster, and now Gabe drapes his arm across Stu for the cover... 1... 2... 3! This match is over, and we've got UWS World Champions!!!
Jim: Unbelievable. This match was a giant shambles.
Gallivan: Stu and Gabe are just covered in their own, and each others, blood. Julio retrieves the UWS World Tag Team Championship belts and hands them to Gabriel Blade and Michael Burke. Outside the ring, Lee has collapsed, and he looks absolutely gutted. Fans, while we clean up here, I'm being told that something's going on backstage.
[The show cuts to an office backstage where Craig Lassiter is watching the show on a monitor. There is one empty bottle of champagne on his desk, and the remains of a full one smashed against one of his walls. Craig is cursing under his breath as he watches the the replay of the tag match.]
Lassiter: God-dammit.
Zeke: (from behind camera) Dude, the LWA still got the tag champs. Shouldn't you be happy?
Lassiter: Yeah, I guess so, Zeke. But I told the world that I would build the UWS on Lee Todd's shoulders. And I'll be damned if I'm going to be proven wrong.
[Then, the door swings open, and Barbra Raymond walks into the room. She looks at the mess on the floor, and 'tsks' under her breath.]
Babe: What would Johnny say if he saw what you were doing to his office.
[Craig looks up as if he'd seen a ghost.]
Lassiter: Babe, what are you doing here?
[She walks up to Craig, and eyes him carefully. With a practised hand, she casually removes an errant eyelash from Craig's cheek.]
Babe: Your grey hair really shows up with your hair cut short, you know that?
Lassiter: (running his hand through his short cropped hair) I know.
[Craig stands up, putting some distance between himself and Babe.]
Lassiter: What do you want?
Babe: Actually, I'm here to see your brother.
Lassiter: He's not here.
Babe: I know that now. He made the appointment with me several weeks ago. (she walks around the desk, causing Craig to back away from her) So, no more Leroy Brown?
Lassiter: Nope. I ditched the gimmick and ended my wrestling career once and for all... the way I wanted to.
Babe: I saw that. Very impressive.
[Craig absent-mindedly reaches for the bottle of champagne, but realizing that it's empty, deposits it in the trash.]
Lassiter: So, Johnny offered you a job?
Babe: Yep. Looks like we'll be working together again, Craig. (she giggles; the giggle of a streetwise woman, not an innocent girl) I'll have to get used to calling you Craig.
Lassiter: You could call me the Magnificent Bastard.
Babe: (laughing) Yeah, that's much better. See ya around, Craig.
[As Babe leaves the room, Craig collapses in a heap into his chair. His flushed face slowly starting to recover, he furiously starts searching through the drawers of his desk.]
Lassiter: Zeke, where's my scotch?
Zeke: The bikers took it, boss.
Lassiter: Bonnie!!!
[The show cuts back to the ring, where it is relatively organized once again. The announcers are now sitting behind a new table while the ring crew are clearing up the last of the wreckage from the first table.]
Gallivan: Well, this is finally it. We are ready for our main event. The current and former OWF Division Champions and the current and only LWA Division Champion face off for the UWS Unified World Heavyweight Title.
Grumpy: Jeez, can we make the name of that belt a little longer?
Jim: How long have we been here? I'm starving. Oh, hang on, I think I have some haggis left over from my stint as a Scotsman.
Gallivan: Jim, you can't eat haggis at a pay-per-view!
Jim: (his mouth full of something) And why the bloody hell not?
Gallivan: Please Jim, think of the people within sight of that disgusting dish.
Grumpy: Not to mention the smell.
Jim: I would have thought that your own B.O. would provide some kind of odor shield around your own body, vaporizing any outside odors as they get too close.
Gallivan: Jim, that's disgusting.
Jim: Do me a favor, Gallivan. This thing in the haggis. Is that an eyeball, or a testicle?
Gallivan: (urp)
Jim: Thing is, the guy who sold me this thing had both eyes, so now I'm starting to worry.
Gallivan: Could you please get rid of that thing?
Jim: Sure, I wasn't hungry anyway.
Gallivan: So what was the point of the haggis?
Jim: I wrote this gag for the last show but forgot to use it. I'll be damned if I'm coming out dressed as a Scotsman again, so I thought I'd work it into this show.
Gallivan: Jim, that's pathetic... even for you.
Jim: Well, it was worth it to see the look on your face.
Gallivan: Let's throw it to Ryan Lockheart, who gets the honor of introducing this matchup.
Lockheart: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is our main event. It's for the UWS Unified World Heavyweight Championship and is an elimination contest. Hailing from Paradise, Pennsylvania...weighing in at 285 pounds... The Phenom... HE... IS... ARCHANGEL!!!
[Archangel and Gabriel emerge from behind the curtain as images of his past matches appear on the Syni-tron. Archangel battling in the lowest cage in the Tower match that would decide his fate. Archangel battling back stage with Lee Todd while the whole company watched. Archangel smiling as he stares down the barrel of a shotgun only to see Ash with his finger on the trigger.]
[The two men begin to walk methodically down to the ring, a slight hint of a smile on each of their faces. Archangel and Gabriel glance to each side occasionally, looking to the crowd.]
[The two men reach the ring and climb the steps. Upon reaching the apron, Arachangel steps over the top rope. Archangel turns to the turnbuckle beside him. He steps up on the top turnbuckle and throws back his head as his arms are outstretched.]
[He drops down, moves to the opposite corner, and return to his pose atop the turnbuckle. The last video clip shows on the Syni-tron; Archangel kicking Drake Raynor off the top of the Tower and Drake falling 40 feet to his fate. Finally he drops down and sheds his trench coats and sunglasses, giving them to Gabriel who now stands outside the ring.]
Lockheart: And his opponent, the OWF Division Champion. Coming to the ring at this time, from Toledo, Ohio, and weighing in at 248 lbs... KURT TREMERE!!!
[The lights flicker out, and as the sound of wind fills the arena, a low blue light slowly lights the crowd. After a moment, a voice can be heard echoing through the PA.]
[The blue lights slowly grow a little brighter moment by moment.]
[At the end of the last line, the lights vanish and the arena is engulfed in darkness and silence..]
[As the scream is heard through the PA, 4 blue spotlights shine on the entrance, and "Superstar" by Saliva begins to blast out of the speakers, almost simaltaneosuly with a large pyro explosion on the ceiling and ramp. As the smoke clears, Kurt Tremere is standing in the middle of the entrance, looking over the crowd. The spotlights begin to strobe with the beat of the song, and they follow Kurt down the aisle as he begins to walk. Kurt ignores the crowd, not once even looking at them as he walks. The spotlights follow Kurt up the stairs and onto the apron where he wipes his feet, but then go out as he jumps over the ropes and into the ring. It's only dark in the arena for a moment, because on cue with the next loud beat of the song, more explosions go off, and as the lights come back on, Kurt Tremere is standing in the middle of the ring with his arms raised in the air, and what appears to be glass raining down on him. When the music and fireworks finally cease, Kurt walks over to the corner, lies on top of it ala Shawn Micheals, and adjusts his one elbow pad on his right arm.]
Gallivan: Archangel is trying to burn a hole through Tremere with his mind, but Tremere is just smiling back at him.
Lockheart: And their opponent, the LWA Division Champion. Coming to the ring at this time, from Darlington, England and weighing in at 232 lbs... LEE F'N' TODD!!!
[The lights in the arena dim as Sweet Child of Mine rips through the arena, dry ice fills the aisle as Lee F'n' Todd steps through the curtain a bottle of brown ale held high above his head in his left hand. A two fingered salute on his right. Making a slow march to the ring he hops up on the apron knocks back his ale before handing the bottle to a ring attendant. Climbing through the middle rope he pauses like an agitated Lion waiting for the bell.]
Jim: I guess Lee stopped puking long enough to make it to the ring.
Gallivan: All three are waiting in their corners for the bell to start this one off. Rogers is certainly going to have his hands full with Tremere and Todd.
Jim: Hey, Archangel's no choirboy. Hehehe. Get it? Archangel... choirboy?
Grumpy: Oh Lord, put me out of my misery.
Gallivan: The bell rings, and it's Todd who makes the first move! He charges into Tremere's corner, but runs into a boot in the midsection! Tremere nails Todd with a hard Forearm Elbow shot, but Todd fires back a lightning fast left hand of his own! Kurt fires off another Elbow to the head and Todd returns with several Jabs to the midsection! Hang on! Archangel charges across the ring... AVALANCHING BOTH MEN INTO THE CORNER!!! He grabs Lee Todd... and Irish Whips him across the ring to the far turnbuckle! Now, he grabs Kurt Tremere, and Irish Whips him the same way... but Kurt reversed it! Archangel goes flying into the corner, but Lee catches him coming in... TURNBUCKLE HOTSHOT ON ARCHANGEL!!!
Jim: Ouch!
Gallivan: The big man came face down across that turnbuckle, and he's hurt. Lee is up, but Tremere charges him... HANDSPRING ELBOW ON LEE TODD! Kurt slammed into Lee and dropped the champ to the mat.
Grumpy: Kurt uses that right elbow like an extension of his own body.
Gallivan: It IS an extension of his own body.
Grumpy: I knew that.
Gallivan: Kurt sizes up Archangel and Todd... and delivers a double Legdrop to the two!
Jim: Yeah, Tremere rocks!
Gallivan: Jim! He came out in a press conference dressed like Hitler, and called the entire UWS racist!
Jim: Hehehe. Yeah, he is pretty cool, isn't he?
Gallivan: DRESSING UP LIKE HITLER IS NOT COOL!!!
Grumpy: Sounds pretty badass to me.
Jim: Yeah.
Gallivan: Jesus, why do I feel like I'm in a cartoon here? In the ring, Kurt Tremere has lifted up Archangel, and is cinching him up for a piledriver! Hold on! Lee is up just as Kurt lifts Archangel up into the piledrive position! He jumps up and grabs Archangel's feet... SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON ARCHANGEL! Kurt scrambles to his feet, but Lee is waiting for him! He boots Tremere in the guts... DDT BY LEE TODD! He hooks Tremere's leg, and here's the first cover... 1... 2... Kickout by Tremere!
Jim: Good!
Gallivan: Jim, I thought you were a big fan of Lee Todd.
Jim: Nah, Lee Todd eats kittens. Kurt Tremere said so.
Gallivan: Jim, you are a member of the LWA announce team. Don't you want an LWA wrestler to become the UWS Unified champion?
Jim: Jeez, I'm all confused now.
Gallivan: Lee is up, and he picks up Tremere... and tosses him through the ropes to the floor! He's got a downed Archangel all alone in that ring. Lee's headed up to the top rope! He balances on the top, and Archangel's not moving! Lee jumps off... FLYING ELBOWDROP ON ARCHANGEL! He hooks the leg... 1... 2... 3! No!!! Kurt Tremere pulled Lee out of the ring by his feet just before the 3 count! Tremere grabs Lee by the hair, and Knees him in the stomach... and again... and again... and again! Kurt hits another Knee to the guts... THEN HITS LEE WITH A SWINGING NECKBREAKER ONTO THE CONCRETE!
Jim: Yeah!
Gallivan: DI Rogers puts a count on both men while Kurt gets back to his feet. Todd is holding his shoulder on the floor in front of us, and he could be in real trouble. Hell, he's already fought 3 matches tonight, it's a wonder he can even stand.
Grumpy: Hang on! If they get counted out, that means Archangel is the champ, right?
Gallivan: I guess so.
Grumpy: Oh yeah!
Jim: Screw Archangel! Kurt Tremere is the man!
Gallivan: You're both wrong. Lee Todd will win it!
[Both commentators turn to stare at Johnny Gallivan.]
Gallivan: Sorry fans. I just... lost it for a second. I'm supposed to be an unbiased broadcaster. In front of us, Kurt Tremere rolls into the ring, and back out again, restarting the count. He picks up Lee... AND RAMS HIM SHOULDER-FIRST INTO THE STEEL RINGPOST!!! DI Rogers is out of the ring in a shot and he's admonishing Kurt for that move. In the ring, Archangel has started to move, but he's still out of it. Now, Kurt pushes Rogers out of the way and starts stomping on the downed Lee Todd. He's targetting that shoulder area that got hurt by the swinging neckbreaker. Again, Rogers steps in front of Kurt, and he's threatening him with disqualification!
Jim: He can't do that!
Gallivan: I'm afraid he can. Kurt shakes his head in disgust, and rolls back into the ring. Rogers stays on the outside, but now he's putting a count on Lee Todd. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5...
Jim: That's it! Lee is out, and Kurt just has to finish off Archangel!
Gallivan: Hold on! Lee is up, and he's climbing up onto the ring apron. Rogers waves off the count! In the ring, Kurt Tremere charges across the ring... AND KNEES TODD OFF THE APRON! Lee crashed into the security railing, and Rogers is yelling at Kurt Tremere again!
[In the ring, Tremere holds up his arms, professing his innocence.]
Gallivan: Yeah, he looks about as innocent as Robert Blake. Todd is hurting outside that ring, and now Tremere passes the time by stomping on the downed Archangel. But, he's keeping one eye on Lee Todd. Rogers climbs up onto the ring apron as he continues to count Todd out... 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. 7... Waitaminute! Todd is up, and rolls into the ring just as Rogers hits 8.
Jim: He should have stayed out there.
Gallivan: Tremere is on him like a shot! He stomps Todd in the head on the way in... then hits a Flash Elbowdrop! And another! And another! And another!!!
Jim: Shades of the great Muta! Tremere has Lee Todd right where he wants him.
Gallivan: Tremere boots Todd in the ribs, forcing him onto his stomach. He drops down on Todd for a Crippler Crossface!... BUT TODD IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE ROPES!
Grumpy: That was a close one.
Gallivan: Tremere is cursing after that one. He had Todd's injured shoulder targetted and that might have been it for the LWA champion. Tremere picks up Todd, and shoves him into a corner. He steps in, nailing Todd with a Back Elbow... and another! Hold on! Across the ring, Archangel is actually getting to his feet!
Jim: No way!
Gallivan: Archangel slinks up behind Tremere and grabs him by the waist... GERMAN SUPLEX BY ARCHANGEL! The big man is back up as Tremere begs off to a neutral corner with his hands raised! Archy comes in... but Kurt boots him in the groin! He hits Archangel with an Elbow shot to the face that spins him around, hooks him for a Back Suplex... and deposits him on the top rope! Tremere climbs up behind Archangel, and now he's hammering Archy in the back of the head with that padded elbow! Across the ring, Todd is holding his shoulder, but he's watching everything. Kurt Tremere grabs Archangel for a waistlock. He's up on the second rope now, and this looks bad for the former OWF champ. He tries to lift him... BUT LEE TODD CHARGES ACROSS THE RING, NAILING TREMERE WITH A DROPKICK TO THE BACK!
Grumpy: Ouch! Tremere and Archangel's heads collided with that move.
Gallivan: Both are still up on the top rope, but Tremere looks like he's about to fall off. Hang on, Todd backs into the corner, and grabs both of them by the head! We saw this at the last Blackened!
Grumpy: He's going for the double Fuck U off the second rope, and this will win it!
Gallivan: Todd pulls them out... FUCK U OFF THE TOP ON ARCHANGEL!!! Kurt Tremere grabbed onto the top ring rope at the last second, sparing himself! Todd drags Archy away from the corner, and here's the cover! Waitaminute! Tremere lifts up his legs and spins around on the top turnbuckle. 1... 2... NO! Tremere leapt off, nailing Todd with an Elbowdrop from the top rope to break the count!!!
Jim: I don't know why they are fighting. This is an elimination match. They should just get Archy out of there right now.
Gallivan: I think bragging rights probably has something to do with it. Now, it's Tremere who puts the cover on Archangel, and here's the count... 1... 2... NO! Lee Todd just kicked out his foot, booting Kurt in the face to break the count! As Tremere rolls over, holding his nose, Todd rolls onto Archangel... 1... 2... No! Tremere pulled Todd off Archangel by the leg! This is rediculous! Both Kurt and Lee scramble back to their feet, and they lock up! Kurt applies a Side Headlock, and goes for a Bulldog... BUT LEE THROWS HIM OFF! Kurt gets back to his feet, but Lee is waiting on him... Thumb in the eye by Lee! He whips Tremere off the ropes... SPINEBUSTER BY LEE TODD! He hooks Tremere's leg and here's another cover... 1... 2... Kickout by Tremere! Undaunted, Lee just rolls onto Archangel and goes for a cover... 1... 2... 3! Wait, is it official? Yes, it is! Rogers calls for the bell, and Archangel is out of this match!
Grumpy: Nooooo!
Gallivan: Lee has dragged himself to one of the corners and he's rubbing his shoulder to get some life back in it. Kurt Tremere is slowly getting to his feet, so Lee pulls himself up as well. It's down to two men now, the OWF and LWA Division champions. One of these men will go home with two titles, the other with one.
Jim: Lee has already been robbed of the UWS Tag straps tonight. He doesn't want to lose out on the UWS Unified Title.
Gallivan: Lee stumbles across the ring towards Tremere. They lock up, but Tremere hooks Lee for an Armwringer! He spins through it, flipping Lee to the mat! Lee struggles to get up... BUT TREMERE DROPS HIM FOR A FUJIWARA ARMBAR! He's pulling back on that injured shoulder and this might do it! Lee is reaching for the ropes, but he's almost in the center of the ring. Tremere smells victory and he's cranking on that arm, trying to yank it out of the socket!
Jim: Lee's in real pain in there!
Gallivan: Hold on! Stu-E Price just ran through the entrance curtain and he's making a beeline for the ring! And he's got a chair in his hand!
Grumpy: Get him out of there!
Gallivan: Rogers sees Stu and heads over to keep him out of the ring. Stu slides the chair into the ring, and now he's climbing the ringsteps... but Rogers is blocking him! In the ring, Tremere has released the armbar... AND NOW HE'S BLATANTLY CHOKING LEE!
Jim: Wait to go, Stu.
Gallivan: Rogers looks like he's threatening to disqualify Lee if Stu doesn't get out of here. Waitaminute! Kurt Tremere just grabbed that chair that Stu threw in, and Rogers back is still turned! He steps towards Lee.... AND RAMS THE EDGE OF THAT CHAIR INTO LEE'S SHOULDER!!! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! This isn't right!
Jim: I know, but I love it so!
Gallivan: Now, Stu is freaking out and pointing, but Tremere tosses the chair out of the ring before Rogers turns around. Hang on, Stu is climing through the ropes anyway!
[Just then, Marcus "Reaper" Ash steps through the entrance curtain with security enforcer, Mr. Toasty Bacon.]
Grumpy: It's the Reaper! Where the hell has he been tonight?
Jim: I don't know, but business is about to pick up.
Gallivan: Ash and Mr. Toasty Bacon are charging towards the ring. In the ring, Stu charges across... AND TACKLES KURT TREMERE! Stu is throwing lefts and rights down on Tremere and these fans love it!
Jim: This is unfair!
Gallivan: Mr. Toasty Bacon climbs into the ring and grabs Stu from behind... TAZMISSION ON STU PRICE! Marcus Ash is shouting something to DI Rogers. He's telling him to disqualify Lee Todd!
Jim: Hold on, here comes boss #2!
[Craig Lassiter breaks through the entrance curtain and charges to the ring.]
Gallivan: Craig Lassiter runs straight to the timekeeper's table... AND STEALS THE HAMMER! Rogers has called for the bell, but Lassiter won't hear it! In the ring, Mr. Toasty Bacon is dragging Stu Price out of the ring area, still holding him in that painful submission hold! Hang on, Craig Lassiter has a microphone.
Lassiter: No way is this match ending as a result of a disqualification! I just saw Kurt Tremere dish out some punishment with a steel chair just seconds before Stu inserted himself into the match, so I say we call this tit for tat!
Jim: Did he just say tit?
Gallivan: DI Rogers looks as confused as I am. He's looking between Ash and Lassiter... and decides to start this match back up again! Kurt Tremere is furious, but these fans love it!
Jim: You can't cater to the fans, Gallivan. Lee Todd deserved to get disqualified.
Gallivan: In his defense, it was Stu Price who interfered, and I think Stu just got over-emotional when he saw Tremere using that chair against his tag partner. But, with Ash and Lassiter at ringside, it looks like we'll have a clean match from here on out. Kurt Tremere picks up Lee Todd and hoists him up... SHOULDERBREAKER BY TREMERE!
Grumpy: Ooooh!
Gallivan: I second that. Tremere is back up, and he drives a Knee down into the shoulder of Lee Todd! And again! And again! Todd is being dissected in that ring. He drags him to his feet. Tremere hits him with an Elbow to the head! And another! Back Elbow by Tremere! Kurt half-turns into another Elbow shot! He spins around... BUT LEE CATCHES HIM COMING IN! OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX BY LEE TODD!!!
Grumpy: That was the Tremere Shuffle, but Lee stopped him dead!
Jim: That move came out of nowhere! Look at the look on Craig Lassiter's face! He's beaming at Ash after that move.
Gallivan: Each of these men want their champion to represent the UWS, and I can't blame them for that. In the ring, both men are still down. Todd exerted too much energy on that move to capitalize. He rolls over, draping his arm across Tremere, and here's the count... 1... 2... NO! Tremere got a shoulder up! Both men are very slow to get up, but they are beating the count. Kurt swings at Lee, but he ducks... ROARING ELBOW BY KURT TREMERE!!! He dropped Lee with that move, and now Kurt hooks the leg! Hang on... his feet are on the ropes for leverage! 1... 2... 3! NO!
Jim: He can't do that!
Gallivan: I can't believe it! Craig Lassiter jumped onto the ring apron and broke the count!
Jim: He's cheating!
Gallivan: Well, to be fair, Tremere was using the ropes for leverage, and DI Rogers couldn't see it. Hold on, now Reaper has jumped onto the ring apron and he's jarring with Lassiter! Reaper grabs Lassiter by the collar just as Rogers comes over to see what the hell is going on. Lassiter shoves himself free of the Reaper... AND ELBOWS DI ROGERS IN THE FACE!
Jim: What? Tremere had this match won! This is a travesty!
Grumpy: Yeah!
Jim: Don't you agree with me, dirtbag.
[Craig Lassiter looks down to see Rogers holding a bloody nose on the canvas, and drops his face into his hands.]
Gallivan: Lassiter shakes his head and he's apologizing to Reaper. That did seem accidental to me.
Jim: Bullshit!
Gallivan: Hang on! Julio Suave is running out from the back. Thank heaven for that. Kurt Tremere drags Lee away from the ropes, and hooks the leg again! Julio dives into the ring to make the count... 1... 2... Kickout by Lee Todd!!!
Jim: No way!
Gallivan: Kurt is up and is shouting at Julio about a slow count. Ash and Reaper have dropped off the ring apron, and they are still arguing. DI Rogers is being helped out of the ring area by a member of our security team. Fans, this match is still going, despite all this chaos. Tremere jabs a finger into Julio's chest, getting a rise out of these fans. Julio shakes his head... and Tremere jabs him again! Julio carefully warns him... AND TREMERE SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE!
Jim: Way to go Tremere! I've been wanting to do that for years!
[Julio looks to the fans, who applaud wildly, then he shoves Tremere in the chest.]
Gallivan: Tremere staggers back, tripping over Lee Todd, who is on his knees... SCHOOLBOY ROLLUP BY TODD! Here's the cover... 1... 2... NO! Kickout by Tremere! God, I thought this one was over!
Jim: You thought wrong, white man.
Gallivan: Both men are up, and Kurt hooks on a Side Headlock. Lee hoists him for a Back Suplex, but Kurt flips out of it behind him! He hooks Lee's arms behind his back, and spins him for a Tommakaze... but Lee lifts himself out of it! He stands up with Tremere hanging upside down, spins him, and grabs him by the neck...
Jim: This won't be pretty.
Gallivan: FUCK U BY LEE TODD!!! Somehow, Lee Todd managed to maneouver than hangman's neckbreaker on Tremere! Todd just crawls onto Tremere, and here's the cover... 1... 2... 3! No! What on earth? Marcus Ash just grabbed Julio's arm in mid-count through the ropes! He climbs into the ring, and Julio is shouting at Ash. Ash kicks Julio in the midsection... DDT BY THE REAPER!!!
[The camera cuts to a shot of Craig Lassiter's face. Craig is clearly saying, "what the fuck?" to Marcus Ash.]
Grumpy: Way to go Ash! Screw those LWA wrestlers.
Gallivan: This is insane! Todd had that match won, and Marcus just attacked Julio Suave! Once again, we have no ref in this match. Craig Lassiter finally comes to his senses, and drags Ash out of the ring by his feet! The two of them are arguing at ringside! In the ring, Lee Todd is up and stomping the unholy hell out of Kurt Tremere!
[Craig Lassiter tries to climb into the ring, but Reaper grabs him and the two start scuffling on the floor. No punches are being thrown, but both men are wrestling around trying to keep the other from the ring.]
Gallivan: The presidents have lost all perspective tonight! Tremere is out in that ring, and we don't have a ref. Waitaminute! It can't be!
Jim: Oh crap, it is... another Todd.
Gallivan: IT'S TUMBLER!!! Tumbler is here in the UWS!
[The fans go berzerk as Tumbler leaps out of the crowd and stands on the security railing. He takes a second to raise his arms to the fans, then jumps across onto the ring apron.]
Jim: Hooboy, this is gonna cost us. Isn't Tumbler the FHW World Champion?
Gallivan: Yes, he is!
Jim: That's it. FHW is gonna shut us down for sure. Last one out, turn off the lights.
Gallivan: Fans... Adam Todd, Lee's brother, has climbed into the ring, and he's shouting at Lee to cover Tremere! Waitaminute. He's not about to ref, is he? Lee is more than a little dazed, but he knows a freebie when he sees it. He drops onto Tremere, and here's the count... 1.. 2.. NO! Kurt Tremere kicked out! HE KICKED OUT!
Jim: I don't know who was more shocked by that. Lee Todd, or Tumbler.
Gallivan: We have lost all semblance of order here tonight. Our presidents are brawling outside the ring, and the heavyweight champion of our competition is refereeing our main event! What else can happen?
Grumpy: Oh, you shouldn't have said that.
Gallivan: In the ring, Todd is still intent on becoming the UWS champion. He picks up Tremere, and whips him off the ropes. Todd ducks for a Backdrop, but Kurt leapfrogged over him! He bounces off the far ropes... and collides with Lee Todd! Somehow, they both stayed up! The two of these champions are on rubber legs, as Lee pops Kurt with a left Jab! Kurt fires back with an Elbow shot to Lee's face! Kurt grabs Lee, and goes to Irish Whip him into the corner... but Lee reversed it... BUT TREMERE RE-REVERSED IT! Todd crashes face-first into the turnbuckle!
Grumpy: The man is dead on his feet!
Gallivan: Kurt Tremere grabs Todd from behind as he staggers out of the corner, knocking him to the mat... CRIPPLER CROSSFACE BY TREMERE!!! This time, he's got it locked, and Lee Todd is in hell! Tremere is trying to rip Lee's head and shoulder clean off, and I don't know how long the LWA champ can handle this! Tumbler is watching, but he is calling it right down the middle. He's checking on Lee and asking him if he submits.
Jim: This is a bad precedent to set. Now wrestlers all over the country are going to be showing up here to ref main events. I think we finally lost control tonight.
Grumpy: Give up, Lee! It's not worth it! The OWF will take that belt!
Gallivan: Lee is still fighting! He's trying to inch closer to those ropes, but the effort must be killing him! Waitaminute! Lee's arm has dropped, and I think he's out! He's no longer struggling for that rope.
Jim: He was so close, too. Ah, that's it. Ring the bell so we can all go home.
Gallivan: Tumbler is watching his brother intently and these fans are actually cheering for Lee Todd to keep going. Tumbler lifts Lee's arm... and drops it! He lifts it again... and drops it! Tumbler shakes his head, hesitates...
Jim: Lift it, ya numbnuts!
Gallivan: Tumbler raises Lee's arm again... AND IT STAYS UP! Tumbler himself cheered at that one, and somehow Lee Todd is still conscious! He reaches his arm out... AND GRABS ONTO THE BOTTOM ROPE!!! I can't believe it! These fans are actually cheering Lee Todd! This match isn't over yet!
Jim: Guess again.
Gallivan: Tumbler puts a count on Kurt Tremere, but he refuses to break the hold! After a second quick 5 count... TUMBLER BOOTS KURT IN THE HEAD!
Jim: Hey, hey! That's unnecessary!
Gallivan: Would you rather he disqualified Kurt?
Jim: He's not a ref! He's just some guy who jumped into the ring!
Gallivan: Tremere breaks the hold, and now he's up and in Tumbler's face! Lee Todd is a broken man on the canvas, clutching at his shoulder. Kurt raises his hand to Tumbler, and Tumbler is daring him to do it!
Jim: Don't do it! Think of all the kittens that will get eaten if Lee Todd becomes the UWS champion!
Gallivan: Kurt backs down, and instead, stomps a precision kick to Lee's shoulder! He kicks Lee in the face, and now he's dragging him back to his feet. Kurt hits Lee with a few paintbrush slaps to the face, as if to goad him on! He shoves Todd into the corner, and continues to paintbrush him! Lee shakes his head... and drives a Knee into Kurt's midsection! Lee grabs Kurt for a Front Facelock, and signals for the DDT! Hang on! Kurt Tremere blocks it, and lifts Lee into the air! He hoists Lee onto his back, and turns it into an Airplane Spin!!!
Jim: Old school, baby.
Gallivan: Tremere does a 360... AND DROPS LEE TODD WITH THE MANIPULATOR!!!
Jim: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!
Gallivan: Tremere hit the LWA champ with that 360 sheer drop Burning Hammer!
Grumpy: Is that what that's called? Remind me never to say anything bad about Kurt Tremere.
Gallivan: Dear God! Lee Todd is out! Kurt drags himself across the canvas and flops an arm over Todd! Tumbler is hesitating.
Jim: Count, goddammit, count!
Grumpy: He can't count out his own brother!
Jim: He better!
Gallivan: Tumbler is looking down at Tremere, who is covering Lee Todd... but he refuses to count! Hang on, Kurt Tremere regains his vertical base, and he's shouting at Tumbler!
Jim: Do your job, ref!
Gallivan: The fans are shouting for Tumbler to deck the OWF champ! Kurt Tremere is hurling abuse at Tumbler, and pointing to his downed brother... AND NOW HE SPITS IN HIS FACE!!!
Grumpy: Oh, you shouldn'ta done that.
Gallivan: Tumbler turns back towards the fans, who are cheering even more loudly. He turns back... AND NAILS TREMERE WITH A FOREARM SHOT TO THE HEAD!!! Tremere landed flat on his back, and now Tumbler is advancing on him!
Jim: What kind of a ref is he? THIS SHOW IS COMPLETELY FUCKED!
Gallivan: Wait one damn minute! It's Shane Brandon!!!
["The Threat" Shane Brandon breaks through the entrance curtain and starts running towards the ring. He looks a mess and is still wearing one boot, with his bare foot still heavily taped.]
Gallivan: Brandon slides into the ring, and these fans have turned! Tumbler realizes something's going on. He turns around... SUPERKICK BY SHANE BRANDON!!!
Grumpy: Wow, Brandon kicked him with his injured foot. Now that's some kinda toughness.
Gallivan: HIS FOOT ISN'T INJURED, YOU DOLT!
Grumpy: Sheesh, calm down.
Gallivan: Tumbler is knocked through the ropes to the floor, and now Brandon is shouting at Tremere to go for the cover. He crawls over, and Shane Brandon drops down to administer the count... 1.. 2.. 3!!! After that fast count, he's calling for the bell!!!
Grumpy: What the hell is going on?
Gallivan: Outside the ring, Craig Lassiter is staring up at Shane with a look of hatred in his eyes. Marcus Ash grabs the timekeeper's hammer from him, and rings the bell! Fans, I think this match is over!
Jim: You think? Who the fuck knows!
Gallivan: Ryan Lockheart is being told to make the official decision!
[Suddenly, fake snow starts to fall from the ceiling of the arena as a ton of pyros go off at the entrance ramp and on each of the ringposts. Shane Brandon slides out of the ring and grabs the UWS Unified Title and the OWF Division Title. He climbs back in and hands both to Kurt Tremere, who is now standing. Garbage litters the ring as Tremere beams a smile to the fans, holding a belt up in each hand. Screaming fireworks run across the guardrails from the ring to the entrance curtain as Tremere bails out of the ring, followed by Shane Brandon.]
Gallivan: Fans, Marcus Ash is giddy and Craig Lassiter is heartbroken. We are out of time here fans, and I'm as confused as you are.
[The show cuts backstage, where Zeke is sitting in a semi-circle with the 6 bruised and battered Hells Angels. They are passing around one of Zeke's "homemade" cigarettes.]
Hog: (takes a drag and passes it to Brodie) Maybe violence isn't the answer.
Zeke: That's what I'm saying, dude. War... what is it good for?... absolutely nothing.
Hog: Wow, you're a pretty deep guy Zeke.
Horse: You know something? I don't remember the last time I talked to my dad.
Zeke: You should give him a call.
Horse: Yeah, I should.
[They sit in silence for a minute, passing the cigarette around.]
Zeke: Dudes! That gives me an idea. Let's all go to my pops place! He's got this big farm out in Saskatoon.
Hog: Excellent. You ever driven a hog before, Zeke?
Zeke: Nope.
Hog: Well, I hope you're a quick learner!
[The last of the credits roll up the screen as they bikers and Zeke stumble out of the room towards the parking lot.]